Is this normal?

Claire C · Post by **Claire C** » Wed Oct 22, 2003 8:18 pm

Hi, I've never posted on this side before but I have been reading through all the good advice you girls give. I recently had my last ivf treatment which was unsuccessful so I am officially in the 'life after ivf' category. A bit of background - I'm 37, been trying to get pg for 7 years and over that time I've had all the usual tests & laparoscopy, clomid for 9 months, 3 iui's and 2 ivf cycles. Dh and I decided before this cycle that it was to be our last, not that we don't still want it enough but rather we want to have some quality of life without the intrusive and invasive nature of tmt. Its only been 3 weeks since my negative test and although I thought that I was doing ok, I've been feeling really tired, lethargic, even sick at times with no real get up and go. I can't seem to feel any enthusiasm for anything and I'm just going thru the motions. Is this how other people have felt, I know it will take time. With all the last tmts there was always the prospect of the next time but not now, perhaps reaching the decision not to go on is harder to accept than the neg result? I don't know but I would appreciate any advice that anyone can give. I'm going to see my gp shortly, I don't want drugs but maybe some time off work to try and come to terms with this all may help? Thanks for listening, Claire C -x-

ogr1 · Post by **ogr1** » Thu Oct 23, 2003 2:35 am

i wish i had some good advice. but i dont. i will be 40 in july. had a mc 12-25-1982. got remarried 13 years ago and have wanted a baby ever sence.did fet and got pregnant with twins. one heart beat stopped at 7 wks and the other stopped at 8 wks. they said a blod clot cut off the oxygen. had to have a d&c on 12-26-2003. the test came back and didnt have any reason why it all happenend.but we couldnt get our twins back. found out that it was our daughter and our son. did fet again and found out we where pregnant on march 18 th 2003. we worried until we past the 12 wks and we thought we had made it. until july seventh our son came, he was born to early.he is barried here at home. this was our hope and dreams for so long.ivf was our life. i think that it will take time to find out what you can feel that time with. i am still working on this. i to have a very hard time getting into things. i pray that i will have some peace some day.this life is so very hard. i am so sorry that you have had to go threw this. have you guys talked about a donor? does it have to be over. i dont know if i should be wrighting or not, but please give yourself some time. your body has been threw alot so give yourself a break. it all does take time. i am going to send this before i delet it. becky

Lorraine · Post by **Lorraine** » Thu Oct 23, 2003 12:20 pm

Dear Claire You are 100% normal - have no doubt about that! It is still very early - your body will not have recovered from your last cycle - never mind the outcome. Emotionally and physically you must feel drained - that numb feeling is your bodies way of protecting you from the shock and pain inside. There is sadly no quick fix. Time is all you need, the most imprtant thing is to listen carefully to what your body is telling you, be gentle with yourself, if you need time off to take care of yourself and gather your thoughts then it is important you do it. It is vital that you keep talking, like you I planned my last attempt would be just that, and I honestly thought I was fully prepared for the 'fallout' but nothing prepares you for that loss of hope. You need time to grieve - when the tears come let them flow. I am currently not working - I havent returned to work since my last cycle in July - I would like to go back - I even planned to a couple of weeks ago but the truth is I do not have the energy or the concentration - it takes all my energies just getting out of bed, doing day to day stuff and trying to cope with this terrible sadness. This loss has had a huge impact upon my life leaving me feeling worthless and a complete failure - something which I hadn't expected and I am struggling to come to to terms with. But I remain hopeful that this time will pass, I have a great support network, I am having counselling, and I recently joined a fertilty support group. I just feel if I can expel all these huge emotions that I will be able to re-package this vast weight into something more sizable and more manageable so that I no longer feel weighed down by it. I know by facing up to it and dealing with its consequences that I can overcome this sadness - but its hard work! BUT it will be worth it - I have a lovely husband and we have a happy future ahead of us - if I can just get there! This side of the board has recently 'got going' so you will find lots of support here - for most of us this is new to us too - but you will find everyone is dealing with it as best they can - in different ways and at very different speeds - so KEEP IN TOUCH! Wishing you peace in your heart. Lorraine. xxxxx

alice · Post by **alice** » Fri Oct 24, 2003 5:14 pm

Hi Clare, just to reallt go over what lorraine and beky have said in that this is normal. You do think that you have prepared yourslef for the worst, but you can't really. It is a bereavement when you give up and youhave to treat it as such. There are stages of grieving and you are going through them now, but also have the effects of the drugs leaving your body to contend with. I can only say that you ahve to work through them at your own pace and it will get easier. Its hard to count your blessins when you feel life is so crap and unfair, but you will begin to feel better slowly. I can onky say that you must keep writing as we all know how you feel. I always see infetility as a disease that is so distressing but one that no-one else knows about and certainly don't understand, so you have to draw strneth in this site as we do know. Thinkng of you a xxxx

caz1 · Post by **caz1** » Sat Oct 25, 2003 12:33 pm

HI Clare YOu are so not unusual. I felt exactly the same way when my first ICSI failed in the summer, and was REALLY surprised about how long it took me to feel physically and mentally "myself" again. I felt , "hungover", for weeks, I think is the best way to describe it. It took about 6 weeks to feel better - going away with my MUm for a week helped and with my DH for a weekend (with baby talk banned) to Norfolk - walking, drinking, eating, etc etc ! , really helped too. But funnily enough, for me, going back to work has (I think) been a godsend. Dont get me wrong - I'm NOT a big work fan, but I do do quite a stressful "City" job, and it just keeps my mind occupied I guess. I really hope you start to feel a little better soon. I know I'm heading back into it all next year and for now I'm just trying to live for the day - and havea bit of fun. Love to you all, BIG x to Lorraine too (Hi hon!) Cazx

Zed2003 · Post by **Zed2003** » Sun Oct 26, 2003 6:35 pm

Hi Claire, After what you have been through, 3 weeks is so very little time. After my second IVf attempt, I lost the baby at 8 weeks and can honestly say it took around 7 months to 'recover'. Give yourself whatever time you need to grieve, whether it's weeks or months. Time off work will do you the world of good as long as you won't 'stew' with nothing to keep you occupied. You are right about quality of life, and sound like you need a break from it all, so take it. I really hope you feel better soon. Zoe x

beckym · Post by **beckym** » Sun Oct 26, 2003 9:37 pm

Hi Claire I would ditto what the others have said. I got really bad ohss on my first cycle which was so bad that we didn't think we would risk trying again. After I came out of hospital I launched myself into all kinds of projects to keep my mind busy and booked a fab holiday. Everything was hunky dory till I came back from holiday but then i just went through a horrible "down" time for about 6/8 weeks. Felt numb, difficult to get out of bed etc etc. I can only presume it was everything catching up with me. All I can say is that keping busy initially staved it off. Maybe the solution is to have something to look forward to and a "project" on the go. Have you considered adoption at all? I know it's not your own kid but there are some really sweet kids out there that badly need a mum and dad to love them. beckymxxx

Claire C · Post by **Claire C** » Thu Oct 30, 2003 9:58 am

Hi Girls, Thanks for all your good advice, it really helps to know that how I am feeling is perfectly normal. Sorry for not replying sooner but I haven't been on the site for about a week. I went to see my gp and he said it was natural to feel 'out of it' after everything that has happened and he signed me off work for 2 weeks. I am managing to keep busy and I have been detoxing this week! I hope this wil be a kick start to lose a little weight for xmas. I've made an appointment to have my hair coloured and my nails done - silly things but they help to boost self esteem and whatever makes me feel happier, however fleetingly, must be worth it. As our inf was unexplained and during the course of all the treatment I experienced really bad af pains, the only solution - after tests established that there was nothing there to cause the a pain - was to go on the pill. So that puts paid to any suggestion that it might just happen naturally. Dh and I did talk about adoption at one point but we have put all that on hold at the moment and I know that adoption agencies won't consider you until its been at least 6 months since you've had any form of inf treatment. We're thinking about moving house, so that is giving us a focus and something to aim for. We've also booked a couple of nights in Dublin between xmas & new year so that's something to look forward to. I am feeling more upbeat today and just taking each day as it comes. Thanks for all your support and encouragement, you really are a special bunch fo people. Love Claire -x-

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