Hello all. Mind if I join you ?

Dawn · Post by **Dawn** » Sun Nov 23, 2003 10:09 pm

Hello girls Hope you don't mind me joining you.Well ,on the spurr of the moment I decided about 5 mins ago to look at this site again. The last time was in January, I can't believe it as I was always reading thru & occasionally leaving messages. Our first Icsi attempt failed a few days before xmas last year and although I really needed everyones support on this site, I found after awhile that it upset me to log on as it had become a bit of a habit. It was so great though to hear of successes and i can honestly say I never felt envious- just proud really especially those girls that had countless attempts and finally succeeded. Like Lorraine, I have a son by a previous marriage but would love to have a child with my new husband. I always felt guilty belonging to this site and do now too as most people here have never experienced motherhood & I feel a cheat. However, I did hope we would try again and were saving up when my child,aged 12, had a breakdown in April and was diagnosed with depression. I never saw this coming but have of course wondered if it was to do with the ivf. I was always so careful to shield my child from what was happening and was lucky that I went out & returned from clinic appts before end of school. A sibling is all that he has ever wanted and my new hubby too and I feel a complete failure in so many ways. I'm not writing this for sympathy as I'm not made that way and life goes on. There are so many people out there so worse off and I have no right to moan but I saw this new site- life after Ivf & all those feelings inside that I've kept locked away have come out. And hey no one knows me and I don't have to put on a brave face. Hopefully next year will be better (although I'll be 40 ! )and my child will feel well. Crikey I've just reread what I've written & it's enough to depress anyone ! Sorry ! Anyhow if no one minds I might join in now & again & promise to be uplifting. Keep the faith- we never know Luv dawn :')

Tracey S · Post by **Tracey S** » Mon Nov 24, 2003 2:12 pm

Dawn Just thought I would pop in - I remember you from last xmas - sorry to hear about your son - tough isn't it and you have a right to feel whatever you feel I say. I have had a crap time - first ivf ectopic jsut before I got married last sept then next failure then a frozen - no go and then 4th - bingo - we went for the 20 week scan and the baby had died - this was 11 weeks ago and still no postmortem results so life is shit as well in this neck of the woods - I plod on. Take care Love Tracey

LORRAINE G · Post by **LORRAINE G** » Mon Nov 24, 2003 7:29 pm

Hi Dawn I am not sure if I am the Lorraine you are referring to, I have a son and daughter from my previous marriage. I have just had my one and only IVF cycle fail, which I kind of expected in a weird way. I am alternating between feeling philosophical and devastated but as Tracey S says life goes on. I was so sorry to hear of your son's traumatic time, this I do empathise with as my son had a really bad time of it after his dad left (he was 5 then) and it was a couple of years before he finished with the councelling. He is now 11 and doing OK, though if I am honest I think that he will always have a deep fear that maybe, just maybe I will walk out on him like his dad did. I am sometimes very bitter that his dad can be such a crap parent and yet there are so many loving, strong people on this site that try so hard and the joy of having a baby just seems to elude them. Life seems so difficult and unfair for some.I understand you when you say you feel a cheat as you already have a child, though it does not stop the longing to have one with your new partner does it? I hope that you, like me will draw strength from this particular side of the board. I have been in awe of so many here, every one so inspirational in their own way. I pray that ALL of these wonderful women will find their peace as will you, Keep in touch Love and very best wishes Lorraine G

Grace · Post by **Grace** » Mon Nov 24, 2003 10:13 pm

Hello Dawn I just wanted to say welcome to this part of the site. I am sorry your little boy has been having a diffiuclt time, I sincerely hope he is getting better all of the time. I suppose we sometimes underestmiate the devestating affect our infertility and sadness can have on other members of our family. I don't have any children, but I know all of this has had a huge affect on my Mother particularly. I suppose at the end of the day I am her child and you never want to see your child so sad and helpless. I know you are not writing for sympathy Dawn. It is refreshing though to be able to write down exactly how you are feeling sometimes. As you say life does go on, but with all we have been through sometimes it is good to have a bit of support. Keep in touch and look forward to hearing from you again. Love Gracexx

Dawn · Post by **Dawn** » Fri Nov 28, 2003 11:55 pm

Dear Tracey, Lorraine & Grace Thank you all so much for your kind words and support.It really helped to get it off my chest. There are times when you think it's just you going thru all this and then you hear about all the joys,tears and hopes and in a way it does make you feel better and hopeful and helps put your own life into perspective. Do you know sometimes I feel that my hubby has no idea what the yearning inside is like (bless !) but when I ask him about his feelings he says it's just his way of dealing with it not to talk about the whole process again and that I want him to say what I want to hear and he can't always. Which is quite true !! Sorry that probably doesn't make sense but I know what I mean !! Anyhow girls, thank you again and speak soon. Have a good weekend whatever you are all up to. Luv Dawn xx