wedding

[ogr1]

feeling guilty as i watched your brother in his tux as he was getting ready to get married as he put his arm threw mine he walked me down the ile i cried i was sad cause we will never be able to walk with you down that ile. we love all of our children but you where ours. we would have not had to share you with any other parents. you where our dream. we miss you so much. your grandma came for the wedding and she got to see where we laid you to rest. she realy liked the fountain. your sister bought a beautiful bench for your little island to.
your other brothers stood proud and tall as they walked the bridesmaids down. then your other 2 brothers brought down the rings. you would have been a year old so we would have had 3 ring bearers. oh how i wish so much that you where here now with us.
i thought we had made it with you. it makes me sad to know all of the things that we wont be able to do.
but one day you will be back in my arms son i love you so much and i miss youou you will
love mom

[ogr1]

again my chilndren i find my self wondering the what ifs..
soon we will have your four brotheers graduating..
how i long for all of you to have done the same..
i find myself thinking would any of you had your dads curly hair,
whos temper would you have, hopefuly you all would have your dads temper.... but my playfulness...
my arms at time still seem so empty ...
somethings are fading and then i feel guilty..
how we both wanted all of you so much..
my 3 sons and my daughter what would you have grown up to be...

[DeniseM]

Hi Becky

So sorry about your losses. It sounds like this follows you through all moments of joy too. Does this make them bittersweet, or is it possible to lose yourself in the moment still?

I felt like that when my dad died, and knew he wouldn't see any of my siblings graduate or get married.

I find myself grieving more today as I can feel my body beginning to miscarry. This wait has been hell.

[ogr1]

the wait is hell.. i cant think that anything could be worse...

i dont think that it consumes me any more..

i give myself time to pondering the what ifs or wwhat should have been.. this seems to help me..
for me it is not good to keep it pushed down.. so i have to make myself feel or i wouold exploed..

i try except my saddness and end it with the happyness..
like for my children ,
i have been blessed cause there are so many women that have not got to have the joy of knowing that they where pregnant ..
i was lucky cause i have photo scans of my children from the time they where just eggs.... i got to see there heartbeats....
those are all miricales..
so i have been very lucky and very blessed..
and i do have 13 children and getting ready to have 2 more that are 15 and hopefuly they well beable to feel the love that we do have in our home..
and i have always had this forum and god to see me threw everyday..
i hope this had made some sence..
i am not much for getting my thoughts into words..

you hang in there and please know that you are not alone.. and as you can see i come here and write to my children.. i also keep paper and a photo in my bible and write little things there to..
i dont know why but it has helped me to face and start to enjoy the day..
becky

[rahulkumar123]

Wedding is the most beautiful occasion and must be celebrated with happiness