Most stupid comments from outsiders?

[Mo71]

Hello fellow sufferers of insensitive people around you,

What where the worst comments you got from people around you about your situation? Black humour and laughing it away are my best way of coping. So please make my day!

Here are mine:

I tried talking to my brother (a happy father of a meanwhile two year old) (actually an obsessed happy father, the sort of "I forget the world around me in all my happiness") about my failed pregancy after having done IVF for $15,000 U.S. and how we were wondering, if it ever worked out for us. He replied that he thought exactly the same, and that I shouldn't worry too much. There wouldn't be a book to read about it, it just comes naturally, and that parenting is something everybody can do. Then I tried explaining to him, that I actually wasn't talking about (the easy thing of) parenting, but the huge problem that comes first for us - BECOMING PREGNANT WITHOUT TWO FUNCTIONABLE TUBES, you idiot!

If you think now, that this was just a little misunderstanding we had, then this is only the result of me shortening the whole situation. It's really rather being totally alone in this with my husband, and whatever other people are saying, they just don't have a clue what you're going through. And some don't even try to understand. They are just too occupied with their own life.

If I have my father on the phone (he's not the talkative I have to admit), and I tell him that we are now doing our second cycle, his response is something like "Uhmmm uhmm". Or maybe "uuuhhhhmmmm", or something like "uhm uhm uhm". Pick any of these, and you have all the converstaion I ever had with my father about my infertility situation. Then follows maybe a nice little anecdote about my cute, little nephew. As in: "talking about kids, here's what just comes to my mind". Very sensitive.

Other, shorter examples:

After having scraped out my hard fought for embryo after only 9 weeks - okay, you can call it D&C if you mind my French - one of my good willing girl friends said to me, that maybe the time was just not right, and that I shouldn't give up.
Pardon me, I picked the wrong time??? How stupid of me! Maybe the next time I should try astrology instead of tons of syringes. Yes, maybe.

And one of my absolute hate comments is "I know it will work out for you". That says to me as much as "Please don't even start trying to tell me how much you worry, I know anyway that everything will be fine." What should be my response?? "So, you know it, do you want to bet then?" Or, after it just didn't work out for me: "Seeeeee??? I told you so!" If I would know anything about the outcome, good or bad, I WOULD GIVE MY LEFT ARM FOR IT!!

My current method of handling outsiders is to not do it at all. I just don't tell anyone any details about the ongoings, I'll wait until I have the final results. I don't feel it's any help to discuss all this with them anyway. How about you?

[DebraP]

Hi, I tend to forget most comments but one that won't be forgotten was from my MIL. We were visiting her for a few days during my last 2WW. AF arrived and I was crying so I thought I'd explain. Her response "oh". That was it. Not another word.

Debra.

[Alette]

I scared my neighbour and she almost ran out of the house.

She told me that I should not worry, that once you have a holiday, all will be allright.

(I work as a OM in a travelagency and I go on holidays more than average)

I got soooo angry that I told her this will NOT be the case and gave her a lecture about IVF, she was soo scared and after this did not speak to me for over 6 months!!

It is PURE STUPIDITY and in fact we may not blame people for they do not know, do not know to react because I think, this is the biggest fear for people and thank god, most of them never have to think about it....

[sophiejane]

Mo,
I know exactly how you feel and over the past few years i have felt so alone. I met up with another person who was doing ivf and that helped a lot.
I used to get so angry at people ... most dinners with friends always ended in tears, as someone would say something completely crap. After my 2nd failed ivf a friend said to a large dinner party that Jennifer Anniston (or whatever her surname is) obviously can't have kids so why is Brad still with her.
I couldn't bl**dy believe it and it was my dp rather than me that blew his top.
If anything ivf has brought me and dp so much closer, and we value eachother so much more.

Another classic has been "it'll work when you are less stressed". They have no idea what we go through.
"I reckon you will conceive naturally" - NO I WONT I have blocked tubes.
"Why dont you just adopt" is another classic one.

I could go on and on. For my third treatment I didn't tell many people. After the 2nd I said I was giving the whole thing a rest, and me and dp did start planning our wedding. It actually helped a bit having less people know.

I hope that your next treatment does work, and I am so sorry about your miscarriage. To have the joy of being pg taken away from you after a few weeks is just horrible.
All the ebst
From Sophie-J

[Claire]

Oh I have a list as long as my arm of stupid comments I've had over the years.
The latest one was from a colleague (who is really a lovely person). I've told her the ins an outs of it all on several occasions (she wanted to know) and when i started the buserelin injections I told her and she said: 'So you could be pregnant in the next week or so then?' Dohhh! I gave up trying from that point.
My boss told another colleague he was going to check out with human resources whether IVF was important enough to warrant time off work, I'm raging even thinking about that one.
The worst ones are, 'just try and relax a bit more, it will happen you know, you're too tense with it all'
TENSE, TENSE I'll give you TENSE ! ARRGGGGGG!
They mean well, but really don't help sometimes.
positive thoughts to you all,
claire x

[Alette]

This one is nice too: (on a birthday)(in a crowded room)


HEYYY ALETTE!!?? HOW IS YOUR ICW GOING???

[SallyP]

Hi Girls - i think I can do one better (Unfortunately)! My husband has 2 brothers - one has no fertility problems and 2 children. The other brother and his wife had unexplained infertility then miracle twins after AI. My husband has low sperm and I had dodgy eggs and severe endo.

After lots of surgery (for me - joy of joys!!) we had our first IVF/ICSI. When that failed, my MIL said to me (quite seriously) 'I wonder what I've done to have 2 infertile daughters in law'. She then went on wonder aloud whether I could use the fertile sister and 'rent her womb'. I kid you not.

I kept our second IVF/ICSI secret from everyone - work (I just took time off as sick or holidays to avoid suspicion), family, friends - no-one knew and it worked - Jay is a big 1 next week and every day I thank God for him.

I found it difficult not having any support - but this board and my DH got me through it - I think I would have found people's sympathy worse to bear had it not worked, so just got on with it myself.

People can be so insensitive, but I just think it's because they don't understand, or get embarrassed, or feel bad because they can't do anthing to help or make things right. I think because we're so raw and sensitive and emotional that things people say make us more upset even when they're not trying to. Although how my MIL thought renting my sister in law's womb might not upset me I cannot fathom!

Anyway - I wish you all BFPs, love, support and happiness. And a lovely relaxing weekend.

love Sally xx

[Mo71]

That was already quite amusing, thank you so much, girls! The "womb renting" really cracked me up, though. Very funny! Since mine is quite allright, maybe I should consider that as a new career opportunity. I'm infertile, but hey, I still can be a useful member of this small community!

[Maggs]

I was asked if DH and I were to selfish to have children!!! I exploded and said no I have buggered tubes are you to stupid to think before you open your mouth.

At a family do, everyone sitting round the table for breakfast, Hey mags how do you want you eggs....fertilised!!! No-one laughed and brother in law felt a right prat.

Good luck girls
Mags

[Leanne]

I have to join the "did they really say that to me"? club also.

When we went to our DOCTOR to tell him we were having trouble conceiving first he said - do you think you might be a little chubby??? ( I was 9 1/2 stone and 5ft 5 or something!!!) I asked if he had any tips becuase he refused to refer us at that time, he said " try keeping IT in longer" as you can imagine I walked out in tears, swopped doctors as was refered straight away.

Another one. After my first laporoscopy ( the one where they told me my tubes were damaged and I was feeling megga low) a friend said, " don't worry ( classic) you can come to my house and we can go for a walk ( like I could really do a hike at that moment) and you can carry my baby!! Err no thanks I would rather carry my own!!! cheers.

At a Christmas party ( always the most upsetting times) the same friend said " I wish you would hurry up and have kids you'll make a great mum" no shit!! ( she knew all our problems), she then tried to back track by saying - wait for classic line again "just relax".

I have so many that I would use up too much of the news!!!

So for now, just relax girls and keep it longer!!!!!!!

[Alette]

Most remarks said to me, make me laugh.

But I was really hurt when my sister and BIL came to us to tell they were pregnant.

This I liked, that they came to us in person.
But I did not like the remark of my BIL saying: and it was Bingo the first time! (WE were ttc then for 4 years then)
and (my day off is Monday) we need a babysit for the Monday... we were thinking of you Alette.

(what was he thinking?? That I might LIKE that??!!)

[Mo71]

Your fist in his face?

That reminds me of another doctor story: After I just had my D&C the doctor (who knew about my history) came to me when I was just waking up to tell me about the outcome. He then said, that we could try to become pregant again already in one month. That was really hard to bear in this situation.

[Leanne]

Good thread here Mo, at least we can all have a smile at there expense now!!

Thought of some more classics - ever had " no we can't come out, it's alright for you, you don't have to get a babysitter!!"

Or sat around with a group of parents, when they start talking about their birth stories!! Not sure if it's worse when they all stop with embaressment and the tumble weeds go past or when they carry on????

Good luck Mo with your second ivf x

I read my first answer and realised at the end I put " keep it longer" rather than " keep it in longer" suppose both would be of use!!!!
Well girls we've gotta laugh or we'll cry - sure we all do enough of that as it is !!

[ogr1]

it is for the best.
its natures way. how could it be for the best
at least the baby isnt suffering.. for one it wasnt just a baby. this was our child and second you are telling me my child was suffering inside of me.
at least you didnt know the baby yet.
arnt you over it ? how long will this take..
you need to get on with your life.
my all time fav, its very common and you will be pregnant again very soon...


there is alot more but the other one that was said , i know how you feel when my dog died last year ..........


but most people dont understand and really how could they.. i've even gone threw so much and have had so much taken away that i say things that i cant beleave that i have said... or there have been so many times where i wish i could have the right words so that the person would know that they are love and dont have to be alone. or if i could say that 1 thing that day at that moment that might help that person to go on for another day.. it took a few different people at different times that have helped me....

[AMITHIS]

Let's not forget the old favorite "I bet if you adopt, then you will have one naturally" Ugghhh!!!

This was the insensitive response I got from several people (including both my mother and MIL!) when, after tons of research and soul searching on this issue, I tried to have a serious conversation with them about adoption and how I was feeling ready to consider it if these last attempts don't work. It was like they were unwilling to even consider that DH and I might actually be happy with using adoption to build our family. For them, it was only worth considering as a means (a very superstitious one) to having a biological child.


Staci