Hello All,
I have not posted much lately and I haven’t had much time to keep up with other peoples post. At first the time away from the board was a bit nice. I was able to think about things other than my GD infertility. However, not thinking about it hasn’t done anything to change the level of stress in my home. These boards are a great catharsis…no one else really understands.
I am sure this post will be a long one…I have a lot of pent up issues, and I am going to vent. I feel like I should advise the reader now this post will have very little PMA.
Actually, this post is less about treatment than it is about what treatment is doing to my family. From everything I read on these boards and from other women, everyone has a wonderful husband but me. My husband is selfish, insensitive, and cold. Some of you replied to my last post (Sandra, Becky, Dagny, Ellie and others), so you know we postponed the treatment again (until June, but don’t quote me on that). That was 100% his decision. I really had no say so in the matter, but I was the one who had to tell the nurse when she called, and I am the one that has to deal with AF, and juggle treatment around work, and deal with our first “expected delivery date” from our previous failed treatment that will be coming up in April.
I know you will think that GDH will have to deal with that date too, that is because you are using your DH as a reference. Mine will not remember. Of course, he will have to deal with me, but all that means is that I will be sad and cry, he will shut down and then I will later apologize for being “too sensitive”. He will say, “Uh huh” and then we will go back to not speaking to each other for days at a time.
I am unhappy. He is unhappy. We are going to try to get pregnant in June, but if we can not work our problems out that would be one of the biggest mistake I have ever made. What do you do with embryos if you get divorce? We agreed to have them destroyed, but I have changed my mind. I have grown too attached to those embryos.
I don’t know. I have rattled on. I did not even realize that the upcoming anniversary was a problem for me, but I guess it is. No I can not talk to my husband about it. I can not talk to my husband about anything. We do not talk, or laugh, or joke, or hug, or kiss, or have sex. We fight and that is about all we ever do together. Things our bad. Things are very very bad, but do you not have treatment because you think eventually you are certain to be divorced? Does anyone have any advice how I bring that issue up?
Maybe I should say something like this:
Honey, you know I was thinking, maybe we shouldn’t go through with this next invetro because five years down the line I just cannot picture myself being married to you. What I mean to say is that everything you do and say irritates me and what if (oh the horror!) our child grow up to act like you. Plus it would be just way too weird to be pregnant since I have not had sex in (gawd!) at least six months!!!
Okay it is time for me to shut up. Happy treatment everyone!!!
Mia
**WARNING** Husband Mentioned
Mia, Hi!
I am new here, I am "young "(24 going 25!), so I don't pretend knowing a lot about marriage, and certainly don't pretend understanding the male species!
But I know that men are different that us! The way they deal with their pain or distress, the way they share (NOT) their feelings etc...
My hubby is very sensitive and always kept everything for himself.
It took me months to make him understand that we are a couple, that I can help him through difficult time, and that when you are two fighting, the battle is easier.
Maybe the way your husband cope with the stress is by shutting down?!
But you have to communicate if you want to save your marriage. You have to support each other, tell him how you feel and ask him how he feels!
Maybe you could organise a little week end away, just the two of you.
Explain to him that you are not happy at the moment and that you know he is unhappy as well. Tell him that you want to make things work (if you really do...) and that both of you will have to make some efforts. Tell him you want to make love to him, that you need him!
But if you know that your marriage is over, if you dont want to stay with you husband (THIS IS NOT AN ADVICE, ONLY MY PERSONAL OPINION)
if I was you, as hard as it would be, I would not go through the IVF.
I was raised only by my mother, and I know a child needs a father.
But if you decide to go ahead, I would completely understand. This is a very difficult situation and I hope it will get better soon.
Take care
Love
Souris
I am new here, I am "young "(24 going 25!), so I don't pretend knowing a lot about marriage, and certainly don't pretend understanding the male species!
But I know that men are different that us! The way they deal with their pain or distress, the way they share (NOT) their feelings etc...
My hubby is very sensitive and always kept everything for himself.
It took me months to make him understand that we are a couple, that I can help him through difficult time, and that when you are two fighting, the battle is easier.
Maybe the way your husband cope with the stress is by shutting down?!
But you have to communicate if you want to save your marriage. You have to support each other, tell him how you feel and ask him how he feels!
Maybe you could organise a little week end away, just the two of you.
Explain to him that you are not happy at the moment and that you know he is unhappy as well. Tell him that you want to make things work (if you really do...) and that both of you will have to make some efforts. Tell him you want to make love to him, that you need him!
But if you know that your marriage is over, if you dont want to stay with you husband (THIS IS NOT AN ADVICE, ONLY MY PERSONAL OPINION)
if I was you, as hard as it would be, I would not go through the IVF.
I was raised only by my mother, and I know a child needs a father.
But if you decide to go ahead, I would completely understand. This is a very difficult situation and I hope it will get better soon.
Take care
Love
Souris
Mia
Hi there - sorry about your troubles. I never thought about the other side of the coin and DH not being supportive.
I think we all get wrapped up in our situations that because we're fine, everyone else here will be.
I am so sorry for you
It's so difficult to know what to say as there is no right or wrong comment to make 
You were once very much in love with your DH and if there is the slightest chance of that resurfacing, then of course it's worth fighting for. We were told that IVF puts so much emotional pressure on couples that it can cause problems, and now you've had the courage to talk about this I am sure others will relate to you 
As for going through the treatment again - only you can answer that question, follow your heart and your dreams
Take care
Little P
Hi there - sorry about your troubles. I never thought about the other side of the coin and DH not being supportive.
I think we all get wrapped up in our situations that because we're fine, everyone else here will be.I am so sorry for you
It's so difficult to know what to say as there is no right or wrong comment to make You were once very much in love with your DH and if there is the slightest chance of that resurfacing, then of course it's worth fighting for. We were told that IVF puts so much emotional pressure on couples that it can cause problems, and now you've had the courage to talk about this I am sure others will relate to you
As for going through the treatment again - only you can answer that question, follow your heart and your dreams
Take care
Little P
-
bubblymichelle
- Valued Contributor
- Posts: 1960
- Joined: Mon Jun 23, 2003 11:16 am
- Location: West Midlands
Hi Mia
I am so sorry to hear that you and your husband are experiencing problems at the minute. We all have problems but some can be overcome but some can't. The thing is Mia only you can decide what to do for the best. No matter what anyone says to you, its got to be your decision.
Admittenly myself and my husband have had problems and we are trying to fight through ours. Some days I really think that our marriage won't survive because I have had so much crap through at me but then I think that it will. Alex wasn't very old when we started having our problems which makes it harder because there is a little one involved.
I really do hope you can work through them, but just remember we are all here for you if you need to talk.
Love
Shell.
xx30
I am so sorry to hear that you and your husband are experiencing problems at the minute. We all have problems but some can be overcome but some can't. The thing is Mia only you can decide what to do for the best. No matter what anyone says to you, its got to be your decision.
Admittenly myself and my husband have had problems and we are trying to fight through ours. Some days I really think that our marriage won't survive because I have had so much crap through at me but then I think that it will. Alex wasn't very old when we started having our problems which makes it harder because there is a little one involved.
I really do hope you can work through them, but just remember we are all here for you if you need to talk.
Love
Shell.
xx30
Mia. Your post was so honest and so sad. Concern about what happens in a few year's time is extremely valid when even just to get there means you dealing with more stress, more pressure and poor communication.
My suggestion is couples' counselling. If your clinic offers something suitable perhaps try there first and persuade him under the white lie 'the clinic wondered if we wanted to talk through some issues re. the delay. I'm really keen to understand how you feel about it, what do you think?'. Alternatively another source of counselling.
From what you say, going through another round of treatment with the current situation would be unbearable. You need support, love and understanding and he needs to tell you what's really going on.
Take care,
hugs
Debra.
My suggestion is couples' counselling. If your clinic offers something suitable perhaps try there first and persuade him under the white lie 'the clinic wondered if we wanted to talk through some issues re. the delay. I'm really keen to understand how you feel about it, what do you think?'. Alternatively another source of counselling.
From what you say, going through another round of treatment with the current situation would be unbearable. You need support, love and understanding and he needs to tell you what's really going on.
Take care,
hugs
Debra.
Hi Mia,
I felt so sad reading your posting - your heart sounds so heavy. I agree with DebP that some form of counselling might be a good idea - the challenge is likely to be getting him to agree to it. However, counselling might be a way for both of you to demonstrate your commitment to getting through this rough patch and moving forwards.
My DH is very supportive and very caring but not particually pro-active. I'm the one researching, saving, planning, phoning etc - he is 100% behind me but knowing how he ticks - it will be for me to do the 'doing' if you know what I mean. Sometimes when I get frusrtated I have to try and remember how my DH ticks and work with that rather than pulling against it.
I also think it IS very different for women - we have our clocks ticking away inside - constantly and that no doubt adds a pressure to you. Most men can walk away and have a child any time in their life - we can't!
I wish you the very best of luck and lots of love & support vibes are on their way!
Kx
I felt so sad reading your posting - your heart sounds so heavy. I agree with DebP that some form of counselling might be a good idea - the challenge is likely to be getting him to agree to it. However, counselling might be a way for both of you to demonstrate your commitment to getting through this rough patch and moving forwards.
My DH is very supportive and very caring but not particually pro-active. I'm the one researching, saving, planning, phoning etc - he is 100% behind me but knowing how he ticks - it will be for me to do the 'doing' if you know what I mean. Sometimes when I get frusrtated I have to try and remember how my DH ticks and work with that rather than pulling against it.
I also think it IS very different for women - we have our clocks ticking away inside - constantly and that no doubt adds a pressure to you. Most men can walk away and have a child any time in their life - we can't!
I wish you the very best of luck and lots of love & support vibes are on their way!
Kx
Me 30 DH 31
TTC 3.5yrs
TTC 3.5yrs
I would agree that you really need some counselling and if getting him there is further stress just go yourself. I've said a lot on here about my DH and how lovely he's been (flowers Mothers day etc) but I think I should tell you some back ground so you don't think everyone else is in dream land and your situation is unfixable. Me and DH have been married 7 years but nearly split after 2 - I moved out and we were apart for about 6 months - we have had some terrible times in the past where we weren't communicating at all and I can honestly say that the two cathartic points for me in sorting my emotions out was 1. getting counselling (for me not us - I really needed to understand what I wanted) and 2. to open myself up to self-help books (Susan Jeffers - Feel the Fear and do it anyway etc etc - there are lots of really supportive reads). I know it sounds flippant but I really think taking action like that can help otherwise the situation does spiral and just get worse and worse. My relationship isn't perfect by any means but I am better at dealing with my own feelings and reactions to what happens around and to me. I hope this doesn't sound patronising - not trying to suggest that I have the answer just hoping to be supportive and let you know that sometimes things aren't what they seem - remember people are likely to share the worst and the best on here and sometimes your perception might fool you. Me and my best friend Wendy have talked in past about friends who seem to have 'perfect relationships' and how envious we are - sensitive men, men who cry, men who remember birthdays / special days etc but over the years we've noticed that often we've just built them into someting they are not. Two of our 'perfect couples' (who we've often said 'Why can't DH do that like him?') are now in process of divorce! Don't think that any situation is unrescuable and get that counselling bookerde now before you lose heart. Thinking of you, Cherylx
Third ICSI July 2005 BFP and praying it continues!! 6, 8, 12, 13(Nuchal) 20, 25 and 28 week scans successful! Emily Ann Cane born 8.4.06 - more beautiful than we could have imagined
Mia, Sorry for your unhappiness. I have not much else to add to what the others have suggested really.
All I am sure of is that you need to be sure of wanting a baby with your DH and that he feels the same. It's not even just for the trauma of going through IVF that you need to support each other but also throughout your journey as parents. You will only want the best for your child so you need to be sure.
Individual and/or couple counselling would be a great starting point to have the help of a third party give you valuable insight and mediate.
Being unhappy is a very lonely experience and it is sometimes difficult to know what to do for the best and taking a step forward, when you probably feel weary from battling, can seem too much to do. It is not for me or anyone else to tell what you ought to do but hopefully by considering some of the responses you will be able to carve out a plan of action; small steps at a time.
Wishing you all the very best over the coming months.
Maci
All I am sure of is that you need to be sure of wanting a baby with your DH and that he feels the same. It's not even just for the trauma of going through IVF that you need to support each other but also throughout your journey as parents. You will only want the best for your child so you need to be sure.
Individual and/or couple counselling would be a great starting point to have the help of a third party give you valuable insight and mediate.
Being unhappy is a very lonely experience and it is sometimes difficult to know what to do for the best and taking a step forward, when you probably feel weary from battling, can seem too much to do. It is not for me or anyone else to tell what you ought to do but hopefully by considering some of the responses you will be able to carve out a plan of action; small steps at a time.
Wishing you all the very best over the coming months.
Maci
Hello Mia,
It does sound as if you are having a very bad time. My advice would be pretty much the same as the others that have posted on here - talk to DH, try to get him to agree to some counselling (I know it may be really difficult but it sounds as if you both really need some help to work this out). What other people say about their DH's may not be entirely true and most of the time people don't put the bad things - unless they are feeling like you.
Don't do anything rash, take your time to come to a rational decision.You must do what is right for the both of you in the end, even if it takes a while to work out what that is.
Don't forget that you have support on here and don't be afraid to ask for help.
Hope this helps a little.
Love
Debbie
It does sound as if you are having a very bad time. My advice would be pretty much the same as the others that have posted on here - talk to DH, try to get him to agree to some counselling (I know it may be really difficult but it sounds as if you both really need some help to work this out). What other people say about their DH's may not be entirely true and most of the time people don't put the bad things - unless they are feeling like you.
Don't do anything rash, take your time to come to a rational decision.You must do what is right for the both of you in the end, even if it takes a while to work out what that is.
Don't forget that you have support on here and don't be afraid to ask for help.
Hope this helps a little.
Love
Debbie
Age 40
Dh 42
ttc#1
1st IVF Oct 2004 -ive
2nd IVF March 2005 -ive
3rd (and final) IVF August 2005 +ive
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/1;10053;13/st/20060426/dt/5/k/fa35/preg.png[/img]
Dh 42
ttc#1
1st IVF Oct 2004 -ive
2nd IVF March 2005 -ive
3rd (and final) IVF August 2005 +ive
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/1;10053;13/st/20060426/dt/5/k/fa35/preg.png[/img]
Hi Mia,
Your message made me want to cry. I know what you are going through, I thought my marriage was ok but in the middle of my second IUI I discovered my husband was having an affair. He said we should carry on with the IUI's and because I desperately wanted a baby I nearly agreed. However after a lot of soul searching I cancelled the treatment and also got divorced. It was so hard though as I wondered if I was giving up my only chance of having a baby and i wondered if I could put up with my husbands infidelity just to have a baby. I know now though that I did make the right decision and 5 years on I am very happily engaged and getting married in St Lucia in June and Im hoping to start treatment again shortly.
In the end you have to do what is right for you, counselling might help even if its just you that goes because at least you could talk through your feelings, however this board is fantastic for that and you will never be alone here.
Good luck with what ever you decide and we are all here for you
Gail
Your message made me want to cry. I know what you are going through, I thought my marriage was ok but in the middle of my second IUI I discovered my husband was having an affair. He said we should carry on with the IUI's and because I desperately wanted a baby I nearly agreed. However after a lot of soul searching I cancelled the treatment and also got divorced. It was so hard though as I wondered if I was giving up my only chance of having a baby and i wondered if I could put up with my husbands infidelity just to have a baby. I know now though that I did make the right decision and 5 years on I am very happily engaged and getting married in St Lucia in June and Im hoping to start treatment again shortly.
In the end you have to do what is right for you, counselling might help even if its just you that goes because at least you could talk through your feelings, however this board is fantastic for that and you will never be alone here.
Good luck with what ever you decide and we are all here for you
Gail
me 38 DH 43 TTC 7.5 yrs. 1st IVF June 05 ended in severe OHSS never made it to ET. FET Nov 05 -ive. FET April 06 -ive FET June 06 OMG BFP
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/2;10718;30/st/20070329/n/Katie/dt/5/k/6467/age.png[/img]
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/2;10718;30/st/20070329/n/Katie/dt/5/k/6467/age.png[/img]
Oh Mia - I'm sorry things are so bad at the moment.
Did you get to the bottom of why dh wanted to postpone tmt until June ? Could it be that he is thinking along the same lines - ie. doesn't want to start tmt until things are a little better between the two of you ?
Of course, we're all here to support you Mia, but it's dh you need to talk to. Perhaps he's still hurting more than you think over past cycles, and can only deal with it by blocking everything out... unfortunately, including you too.
I hope things get easier soon
Take care
Sandra x
Did you get to the bottom of why dh wanted to postpone tmt until June ? Could it be that he is thinking along the same lines - ie. doesn't want to start tmt until things are a little better between the two of you ?
Of course, we're all here to support you Mia, but it's dh you need to talk to. Perhaps he's still hurting more than you think over past cycles, and can only deal with it by blocking everything out... unfortunately, including you too.
I hope things get easier soon
Take care
Sandra x
Me 41 yrs old - dh 49 yrs old. ttc 110 yrs.
1st cycle (ICSI)....Mar 04 -ve.
2nd cycle (ICSI)....Aug 04 -ve.
3rd cycle FET........May 05 -ve.
4th cycle (ICSI) ... Feb 06 -ve
5th cycle FET ..... Feb/Mar 11
1st cycle (ICSI)....Mar 04 -ve.
2nd cycle (ICSI)....Aug 04 -ve.
3rd cycle FET........May 05 -ve.
4th cycle (ICSI) ... Feb 06 -ve
5th cycle FET ..... Feb/Mar 11
sorry for a long post
Hi Mia,
After reading your post, I was almost on tears. I know how you are feeling and I really pray for you. how much ever concolation I try to give you, you won't feel better.Its only you who know-what you are going through.
But my life has not been smooth too. If you had the chance to read my earlier posts-I mentione that I am in the process of writing a book.This book is all about how I faced all challenes in my life and am going to name it: LIfe is a challenge-Lets face it". It all began 11 yrs ago when we got married and when I joined my hubby in the US. I had been suffering from epileptic attacks since I was a 8 months baby. And when my hubby got to know about my sickness, he was furious and at one point, I even left him. but he came back and took me.
Even then things were not smooth. Because of my illness, I couldn't drive car. I don't have to tell anone how it is to live in US without a car.I was totally dependent on my Dh. He used to get frustrated and angry on every little things. Having no cars made it difficult for me to get a job. Though I lived maority of my life outside India, I still have the indian culture of not leaving my hubby unless I was physically attacked. Though he never really hit me or hurt me, I was been toutured mentally, by telling me-"I am useless, worthless, its my parents fault that they didn't tell about my sickness "etc. I attempted to COMMIT SUCIDE 4 times. But didn't succeed.
by that time I naturally conceived our only child. Now handling a premi who weighed only 2 pounds and my health was killing me. he wouldn't even change diapers at night. for a seizure pateints rest is very important. but I never got rest.
I used to call my house a "sohisticated jail"-which has all the accessories but had no freedom to go. even to buy a bra, I have to go with him.
People used to call me a nut case and that I am a idiot to stay with him. But I decided that I will improve my life. thats when I went to india for my brain surgery.would you imagine, your husband not next to you when you are under a knife.He didn't want to come to india for my sugery. imagine my situation.It was a 12 hour surgery.UNFORTUNATELY i am still alive, but a much stronger person and the sugery was a SUCCESS. I now do have my driver's license, but yet to buy me a car. then I worked day and night by going to nite school and got my bachelor's degree without my husband help. and now I am preparing from my financial advisory licensing exam.
Now he does see that I am progressing-BUT IT HAS TAKEN A LONG WAY FOR ME TO REACH HERE.
I had no family support or even friend's support. my parents are in India. It was not possible for them to come. so handling a very tough husband for a big challenge. even with our ivf, we have had several argument, never spoke etc. 5 yra ago- he even once said to me when I told him that we should try for our second-" I DONT EVEN WANT TO GET CLOSE TO YOU. MY BODY POKES WHEN I GET CLOSE TO YOU"(YOU MEANING ME). imagine my feelings. I cried for 11 yrs without one holding my hand and saying-Raji things will get better, don't worry".
Life is still a challenge, but my costant effort to better my self and not being dependent on him makes me feel better
I KNOW THIS WILL NOT HELP YOU. BUT MY LIFE WAS NO BED OF ROSES. I STRUGGLED AND AM STILL STRUGGLING. BUT I HAVE FAITH THAT THERE IS ONE PERSON WHO KNOWS WHAT EVER I AM DOING IS GOOD AND HE ALONE WILL TAKE CARE OF ME.
HAVE FAITH.
lot of people spoke about councilling. maybe you can go for yourself. I know your hubby will not be ready.many people told me too. but even if i wanted to go, i couldn't as i had no car.
sorry for such a long mail. but when i read your post, my old memories came back
you will be in my thoughts and take a decision that is right for you.
love
raji
After reading your post, I was almost on tears. I know how you are feeling and I really pray for you. how much ever concolation I try to give you, you won't feel better.Its only you who know-what you are going through.
But my life has not been smooth too. If you had the chance to read my earlier posts-I mentione that I am in the process of writing a book.This book is all about how I faced all challenes in my life and am going to name it: LIfe is a challenge-Lets face it". It all began 11 yrs ago when we got married and when I joined my hubby in the US. I had been suffering from epileptic attacks since I was a 8 months baby. And when my hubby got to know about my sickness, he was furious and at one point, I even left him. but he came back and took me.
Even then things were not smooth. Because of my illness, I couldn't drive car. I don't have to tell anone how it is to live in US without a car.I was totally dependent on my Dh. He used to get frustrated and angry on every little things. Having no cars made it difficult for me to get a job. Though I lived maority of my life outside India, I still have the indian culture of not leaving my hubby unless I was physically attacked. Though he never really hit me or hurt me, I was been toutured mentally, by telling me-"I am useless, worthless, its my parents fault that they didn't tell about my sickness "etc. I attempted to COMMIT SUCIDE 4 times. But didn't succeed.
by that time I naturally conceived our only child. Now handling a premi who weighed only 2 pounds and my health was killing me. he wouldn't even change diapers at night. for a seizure pateints rest is very important. but I never got rest.
I used to call my house a "sohisticated jail"-which has all the accessories but had no freedom to go. even to buy a bra, I have to go with him.
People used to call me a nut case and that I am a idiot to stay with him. But I decided that I will improve my life. thats when I went to india for my brain surgery.would you imagine, your husband not next to you when you are under a knife.He didn't want to come to india for my sugery. imagine my situation.It was a 12 hour surgery.UNFORTUNATELY i am still alive, but a much stronger person and the sugery was a SUCCESS. I now do have my driver's license, but yet to buy me a car. then I worked day and night by going to nite school and got my bachelor's degree without my husband help. and now I am preparing from my financial advisory licensing exam.
Now he does see that I am progressing-BUT IT HAS TAKEN A LONG WAY FOR ME TO REACH HERE.
I had no family support or even friend's support. my parents are in India. It was not possible for them to come. so handling a very tough husband for a big challenge. even with our ivf, we have had several argument, never spoke etc. 5 yra ago- he even once said to me when I told him that we should try for our second-" I DONT EVEN WANT TO GET CLOSE TO YOU. MY BODY POKES WHEN I GET CLOSE TO YOU"(YOU MEANING ME). imagine my feelings. I cried for 11 yrs without one holding my hand and saying-Raji things will get better, don't worry".
Life is still a challenge, but my costant effort to better my self and not being dependent on him makes me feel better
I KNOW THIS WILL NOT HELP YOU. BUT MY LIFE WAS NO BED OF ROSES. I STRUGGLED AND AM STILL STRUGGLING. BUT I HAVE FAITH THAT THERE IS ONE PERSON WHO KNOWS WHAT EVER I AM DOING IS GOOD AND HE ALONE WILL TAKE CARE OF ME.
HAVE FAITH.
lot of people spoke about councilling. maybe you can go for yourself. I know your hubby will not be ready.many people told me too. but even if i wanted to go, i couldn't as i had no car.
sorry for such a long mail. but when i read your post, my old memories came back
you will be in my thoughts and take a decision that is right for you.
love
raji
Thank you everyone for your comments. I really didn't mean to unload everything on you guys, but I have always found this to be a wonderful place where you could always find support. This time has been no different.
My previous message was written at about 2 A.M. after a long road trip where I spent the majority of my time on my cell arguing with DH. I think coming home finding him in bed resting comfortably, while I was so stressed out and overwhelmed really sent me over the edge. Thank you all for being there.
We are going through a really bad time. We are both very unhappy, but as far as the IVF goes I feel like I am on this path and there is no way off. I do want a baby, and I do not want to put that off. I suppose it might be irresponsible but that is how I feel.
I read your post and they all made me cry. I have some specific comments, but in all honesty I do not what to reread the posts to make sure I am addressing the right person so my comments will be “in general”. ( If I reread your post right now I am sure I would start to cry again, and I have done enough of that this weekend.)
Someone recommended a book….Thank you. I am a sucker for self help and I will be checking that out. Sandra, no Chris’ reasoning to postpone was not because of “our problems”, and no, I really don’t think he has very much emotions about the failed attempt. Someone said that men and women deal with things different ( or something along those lines). I know this to be true. My minor in college was Women’s Studies, so I have studied a lot about gender differences. The way men and women communicate are very different, but my current husband is an extreme case. I was married for 10 years before and have had one other long term relationship before meeting my current husband. DH is the most emotionless person I have ever met. I think it is because of issues from his childhood, but it is still a struggle for me. I come from a very loving family that is very quick to say “I love you”. I know DH wants to have a child. I think together we will be good parents, but sometimes I wonder if DH’s desire to be a parent is more for social reasons rather than a true emotional desire to become a parent. Sometimes I feel DH wants to have a child because that is what society tells him he is suppose to do.( i.e. go to school, get a job, get married, have children, and send them to school). DH was raised in a much more traditional family than I was, and I see this reflected a lot in his thought process. DH’s reason to postpone was for practical reasons…he is way too practical and never lets his hair down.
I did bring up counseling. I have brought it up before. Of course it was a no go, but DH did make a big step. He admitted that he was depressed ( he is) and told me that he would ask the Doctor for an anti-depressant. He was on an SSRI before and it was very helpful, so hopefully he will do what he says he is going to do. We will see if it helps. In the mean time thank you all for being so supportive. I am off to spend lots of money. I am in need of some (online) retail therapy. I hope everyone has a good week, and of course Happy Treatments!
Mia
My previous message was written at about 2 A.M. after a long road trip where I spent the majority of my time on my cell arguing with DH. I think coming home finding him in bed resting comfortably, while I was so stressed out and overwhelmed really sent me over the edge. Thank you all for being there.
We are going through a really bad time. We are both very unhappy, but as far as the IVF goes I feel like I am on this path and there is no way off. I do want a baby, and I do not want to put that off. I suppose it might be irresponsible but that is how I feel.
I read your post and they all made me cry. I have some specific comments, but in all honesty I do not what to reread the posts to make sure I am addressing the right person so my comments will be “in general”. ( If I reread your post right now I am sure I would start to cry again, and I have done enough of that this weekend.)
Someone recommended a book….Thank you. I am a sucker for self help and I will be checking that out. Sandra, no Chris’ reasoning to postpone was not because of “our problems”, and no, I really don’t think he has very much emotions about the failed attempt. Someone said that men and women deal with things different ( or something along those lines). I know this to be true. My minor in college was Women’s Studies, so I have studied a lot about gender differences. The way men and women communicate are very different, but my current husband is an extreme case. I was married for 10 years before and have had one other long term relationship before meeting my current husband. DH is the most emotionless person I have ever met. I think it is because of issues from his childhood, but it is still a struggle for me. I come from a very loving family that is very quick to say “I love you”. I know DH wants to have a child. I think together we will be good parents, but sometimes I wonder if DH’s desire to be a parent is more for social reasons rather than a true emotional desire to become a parent. Sometimes I feel DH wants to have a child because that is what society tells him he is suppose to do.( i.e. go to school, get a job, get married, have children, and send them to school). DH was raised in a much more traditional family than I was, and I see this reflected a lot in his thought process. DH’s reason to postpone was for practical reasons…he is way too practical and never lets his hair down.
I did bring up counseling. I have brought it up before. Of course it was a no go, but DH did make a big step. He admitted that he was depressed ( he is) and told me that he would ask the Doctor for an anti-depressant. He was on an SSRI before and it was very helpful, so hopefully he will do what he says he is going to do. We will see if it helps. In the mean time thank you all for being so supportive. I am off to spend lots of money. I am in need of some (online) retail therapy. I hope everyone has a good week, and of course Happy Treatments!
Mia
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bubblymichelle
- Valued Contributor
- Posts: 1960
- Joined: Mon Jun 23, 2003 11:16 am
- Location: West Midlands
Mia....I'm so glad that DH has taken this first step and will talk to his doctor. Perhaps this might be a small sign of his willingness to accept there are issues to be resolved?
As for your 'irresponsible' comment. You must do what you feel is right. Do you know the legal status of your embryos if you were to split (I'm not suggesting this is what I think will happen but)? I read very recently that a UK woman lost a long-running test case after splitting with her partner. She'd had cancer I think and this was her only chance. She wanted to continue treatment using their frosties but the court supported his decision not to have a child with her - even though they don't live together. This is obviously a long way from your situation.
Hugs and enjoy the online retail therapy!
Debra
As for your 'irresponsible' comment. You must do what you feel is right. Do you know the legal status of your embryos if you were to split (I'm not suggesting this is what I think will happen but)? I read very recently that a UK woman lost a long-running test case after splitting with her partner. She'd had cancer I think and this was her only chance. She wanted to continue treatment using their frosties but the court supported his decision not to have a child with her - even though they don't live together. This is obviously a long way from your situation.
Hugs and enjoy the online retail therapy!
Debra