Where to next ?

Wicked Lady · Post by **Wicked Lady** » Fri Nov 22, 2002 8:15 am

We have been trying to have a baby for three years and in all that time we have had ovulation tests, a thyroid test, several sperm tests,and were told my partner has a low sperm count with a high abnormal rate and low motility. Finally after much begging they gave me a laparoscopy and told me my left tube is in spasm and would right itslef, but everythingelse is fine.They said we could have donor insemination and the future looked alot brighter, although I am dissappointed that they have never tried us on fertility drugs. Then yesterday we went back to the same hospital and were told by the Professor in charge who I believe just wants to make as much money as possible from the private sector that we had been given false hope and he went on about IVF again which to us is a nightmare as we cannot afford the £3,500's for treatment. We begged for DI and he said that their policy is that you have to have both tubes working and as far as he is concerned my left tube is blocked and damaged unfotunately he would not let me talk to the Docotor who operated as this professor tried to stop my laparoscopy in favour of going straight to IVF backin September. He then wrote DISMISSED across our file and we had to leave. We cannot believe that because we cannot afford to go private they have written us off and are denying us the chance to be parents,surely they cannot do this. What on earth are we going to do? My partner is devastasted and blames himself and I just want an end to all the pain. Where to next?

Annie · Post by **Annie** » Fri Nov 22, 2002 9:15 am

Dear WL That professor sounds like a right swine.I am not completly happy with my treatment right now and we were thinking about trying other places. From reading other messages on this board it doesnt seem impossible to go to a different hospital. Mind you there is the travel factor. Couldnt you write to the doctor who gave you the "false promise" and either get them to argue your case,or perhaps even go back to your gp? very sorry Annie

Michelle · Post by **Michelle** » Fri Nov 22, 2002 9:43 am

Dear WL I am so sorry for the nightmare you are going through. I agree with Annie and the professor sounds horrible. For sure I think you ought to look at other clinics - prices do vary a little and you may get lucky. It is just so unfair and I really do not think you and your dh should give up - it is your right to become parents - and a greedy, horrible professor should not stop you. On this site you can link through to the Infertility clinics....see if you can see any others in your area. Please don't give up. Love, Michelle x

Wicked Lady · Post by **Wicked Lady** » Fri Nov 22, 2002 11:36 am

Thank you Annie and Michelle for your replies it helps knowing that you are both out there. I just tried calling the hospital and they are refusing to put me through to the Doctor who operated or the Professor who has dismissed us. They say that as far as they are concerened unless we agreee to IVF we are no longer patients at the hospital in southampton. We live on the Isle of Wight and there is no support or councelling over here, we moved from London so we could afford to have babies before we knew there was a problem of course but unfortunately there is no infertility care down here. I also called St Georges in London to see if I could register with them giving my mums address and but there infertility department has been shut donw as they gave the wrong embryos to two different women which then had to be flushed out, it was on the news a few weeks ago. So now we are going to try going back to our Doctors to see where he can send us as we deperately want a second opinion. But where also going to call some private clinis regarding donor insemination. I must say after reading other message boards on this site I am amazwed at the ammount of couples being treated in the NHS.Thank you both for your supprt. Will you try somewheresle Annie?

tshepher · Post by **tshepher** » Fri Nov 22, 2002 4:06 pm

Hi WL I don't blame you for feeling angry and let down. You are not getting fair treatment and you definitely need to fight. I have read that you can get cheaper private treatment if you are prepared to be an egg donor at the same time, may be worth looking into. Wishing you loads of luck. Terri xxxx

Wicked Lady · Post by **Wicked Lady** » Sat Nov 23, 2002 12:59 pm

Thank you for your reply Terri. I have been ringing round some clinics and the first thing they want to know is my age. As soon as I tell them that I am 31 they all say how young I am(not according to friends and family I am not for having children or the latest statistics)and they have all asked if I would share my eggs in return for free IVF treatment. In some cases you meet the other person who will recieve the eggs in other cases not. My only concern would be that if my attempt failed and the other ladies was a success I don't think that I could handle it, would you regard the child as yours but growing in another persons tummy and being brought up without your involvement? I know this sounds hypocritical as we are prepared to use Dononr Sperm and god am I grateful to the men out there who donate, god bless you all, but I am not sure about donating eggs. Perhaps if I wasn't trying myself I could no problem but I think I would always wonder did it work for them but not for me, how can my eggs make a baby for another couple but not for me.How do others feel about this? If I didn't have eggs and I could afford to use another womans I would do? God I am a bad person hence the Wicked Lady!

Annie · Post by **Annie** » Sat Nov 23, 2002 10:05 pm

Dear WL, I felt exactly the same mixed feelings when I heard about the egg-donating/free IVF deal. I dont know if I could stand knowing my eggs had worked for someone else and not me.. Perhaps thats the answer, doing it, but making sure that you dont get told the outcome for the other couple? I havent given up hope on my unit yet, I have 6 frozen embryos to try first. Also its so hard to chose between units when you have no idea how good their patient care is ( not a published statistic)I think ill just try to be a little more demanding , mind you thats easier said than done!I have good intentions to ask searching questions when I go for routine appointments but tend to chicken out, I get paranoid that if I piss some one off that they mightnt try so hard to help us... silly really any way good luck with your clinic search Im sure it will work out in the end love Annie

tshepher · Post by **tshepher** » Mon Nov 25, 2002 10:42 am

Hi WL I don't think that you are bad or wicked just longing for that ultimate dream so desperately like the rest of us and trying to deal with it the best way you know how. LOL Terri xxxx

alison p · Post by **alison p** » Mon Nov 25, 2002 10:52 am

Dear WC, You really should try and get an apology from the hospital that treated you so badly - these people should not be allowed to get away with treating patients like this. What has your GP said about how you were treated? Don't give up hope - keeping fighting for the treatment you deserve. For a list of clinics I think that you can contact the HFEA or look up IVF on the internet. I don't think that they all charge the same amount - although I realise that it is very expensive, especially with the drugs on top. (Have you talked to your GP about whether he would consider funding your drugs - especially if your local health authority don't fund IVF cycles on the NHS)? Good luck in whatever you decide to do, Alison

Wicked Lady · Post by **Wicked Lady** » Mon Nov 25, 2002 5:10 pm

Thanks Alison. My GP is a man and I have only been seeing him for a year as we moved from London to the Isle of Wight. His one of these people who diagnoses your problems without getting out of his seat and while starring at his computer. He hs told me in the past that they cannot afford to pay for any of our treatment. I was told by his secretary that this is also partly because we were not born on the island and the attitude appears to be that if they treat us badly enough we might just move back to London, or give up trying for a baby as so many couples do over here, so we would no longer be their problem but some other authorities. I am due to go in tomorrow but he is not there and I'll be seeing a locum so hopefully I might get more joy. Sadly down here it is very hard to register with a Doctor and it is impossible to get dental treatment whether on the nhs or private. Anyone would think we were living in the 3rd world! If we get no joy tomorrow then I am going to register back up in London and give my mums address. I know this will mean alot of travelling but atleast I'll be talking to someone I can trust. We are the first case of infertility they have seen at our surgery in 7 years!

tshepher · Post by **tshepher** » Mon Nov 25, 2002 5:15 pm

WL, Good for you and Loads of Luck for tomorrow. Terri xxx

Wicked Lady · Post by **Wicked Lady** » Tue Nov 26, 2002 10:01 pm

Went Docs today and what a waste of time. The locum said to me ' I can only help you with a medical problem where I can see there is something wrong, but with infertilty you have to wait until your own Doctor is back from his holidays, you really should not have come to see me!' So now we have to wait until the 9th of December! Just to be referred somewherelse, how bloody ridiculous. I swear there was steam coming out of my ears as I left the surgery. Thank you for listening. Nicola xxx

tshepher · Post by **tshepher** » Wed Nov 27, 2002 12:44 pm

Wouldn't it be nice if GP's like you see on the TV i.e those that care and take time out and have sleepless nights over your problems really existed !!! Hang in there Terri xx [Edited by tshepher on 27-Nov-02 12:45]

fiona_lk · Post by **fiona_lk** » Wed Nov 27, 2002 6:03 pm

Hi Nicola, Glad you've managed to post and found some new friends after our little chat last week. I know its really difficult, but I honestly think you need to take a little time out for yourself - not the first time I've handed out this gem of advice (or had it given to myself - Karen, if you're reading this, can you let Nicola know how it helped you), and I doubt it'll be the last. If you just give yourself some luxury relaxing time, you'll find you can tackle the whole decision much easier and with a clear mind. It doesn't have to be an expensive thing - an aromatherapy bath, a nice walk in the country or on the shore may be easier where you live. By the way, I don't think you're wicked - just very emotionally challenged at the moment, as we all are on here. I really hope you will start to feel a bit more positive soon, and will keep an eye out for your postings Lots of Love Fiona xxx

Wicked Lady · Post by **Wicked Lady** » Thu Nov 28, 2002 2:09 pm

Thank you very much for all your replies. Dear Fiona Thanks for the advice. I know your right. This last week has been one of the worst. My friend said that if this was in a soap she wouldn't believe it. My dh has contacted the hospital and is going to make a complaint about the way we were both treated, he is so worried about me as yesterday my period started and I felt so depressed. I told him that I wanted to die and that I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone, go out,eat, drink. I am ashamed to say that I was hysterical and meant every word that I said. I was rude on the phone to my mum who thought that I had a cold when I'd actually been crying. I told her I was depressed and when she asked if it was because of the baby stuff I shouted that of course it was and that she didn't deserve to be a mother for having to ask me. I am so empty and just feel black. I have thought about asking for anti depressants but I am scared that it might go against me if we decide to adopt in the future. I couldn't even look at this website because of the + postings. I know that I will never be one of those women and I am so scared that I will still be posting in ten years after watching all the other names change as everyone goes on to become a mother. I just cannot handle the way I feel anymore and told dh to leave and that it was over between us. I didn't even comfort him when he sat infront of me crying his eyes out. We are still together and he is trying to be really strong which is usually my job. I want my life back. People have said to me that we have so much more than other couples as we are very lovey dovey together and can talk about most things, and would life really be that bad without a baby. But they have children and if I can't have a child then the rests means absolutely nothing to me attall, maybe I won't realise just how precious my life and everything in it already is until I loose it all one by one. Sorry to be so misearable. But I can't talk to my friends as they would be shocked and although one of them tries her best she doesn't pretend to understand. The only people who can are on this website. I feel exhausted now. Thanks girlies. Keep posting I will.

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