Well girls, I was going to take a bit and wait and post when my thoughts were together, but it's almost 10PM and DH is still working, and I tried quiliting and I spoke to my MIL who was almost too understanding...

and all I could think about was you ladies (and this raging head ache I have) - I'll get into why in a bit... first...
Sassy!!! HOLY COW! You have every right, and I mean every right in your body to feel angry - and your couselor is definately on the spot, you are grieving, and I understand that, and there is a process to that. You need to be angry at your DH, (not for long though.. because that would be unhealthy) but take some time to be mad, take some time to cry- and maybe take some time to talk to the couselor with DH.... I know it's hard but maybe you and DH need to talk about the adoption debauctle soon...and also that it feels as if you might need to give up the hopes of being natural parents and that's hard (edited to add - that I didn't mean that to sound as calous as it came across, I am sorry!!!) - (actually DH and I are sort of doing that now ourselves....more on that later in the program) But honestly, there is a process to this stupid rollercoaster, and I hope you know we are all here for you babe!!! Oh, so what did you buy?? Oh, and your friend dinner sounds like you get and A+!!! Great job! I wouldn't have asked about the kids either... kudo's to you!
Fee- I love your St. Louis story!! That was freakin' hysterical! Oh and yes, IVF with this RE costs about $20K, and like I said before insurance doesn't cover one single solitary cent... so I need some relative to die that loved me very much - ORRRRRRRRRR a massive E-bay sale, which I starting - but's it's gonna be like $10 here and $10 there... so I'll be 187 when we do the IVF!
Angie - SOOOOOOOOOOOO how was the RE appointment??? Update, puh-lease!!!!
Patie- Welcome back!!! I wouldn't have shared internet connection either - especially for this site, we sure talk about some private things... totally understandable - you are excused

I've been meaning to ask- what happened with the wedding dress?
Vicki - WHat's going on with the condo? And how's my boyfriend Sanson doing? Okay you asked... my regular ole' discharge is toxic, I guess the Ph is SO high that it kills the fishes... I mean literally poof - the funeral procession begins... so when my husband's crazy sperm start swimming they blow up in a puff of smoke, and don't make it up the tunnel (poor little guys)
Okay so last night DH went over to a friends house (our closest friends actually) and they've done 4 IVF's and on the final IVF they had a son - Harrison, he's 2 now. I went with her to 2 EC and 3 transfers. So I sort of lived it with her, the highs the lows, the miscarriage... and DH felt the need to talk to them about our RE appointment and they expressed their suprise and frustration for us. And also alot of empathy, because they've been there and done that. So when DH came home we talked for a while, but mostly at this point for us it comes done to money... $20K is ALOT of money... I mean we could take a loan, but I don't know that I want to start our child's life (or potential life in debt) so basically DH said that whatever I wanted to do, he would find a way for us to do it. (but again it's a when thing)
***Warning Spirtual Junk ahead***
What DH doesn't know and what I have only eluded to you all is that, I have been praying for us to have a child for 15 years... and last year I starting praying for God's will to be done in our life. After giving up being mad a God for Lent - and I have that sense of peace that I had told you about... I think I am okay not being a mom. (wow I just said that out loud!) BUt honeslty, and seriously... I think that if it's just John (that's DH) and I forever, I don't THINK I'll feel like I am missing out on something in my life. I really don't think I will. Although I feel like I should feel like I would. Maybe that's just the grief that Sassy was talking about, I don't know. Maybe because for SO freakin' long I wanted this, it's going to take a while to turn around. I don't know how to tell DH - that is what hurts more than anything... I think I am going to continue to pray about it, and see how I feel in a couple of weeks, then talk to John.
***Spiritual junk over***
WOW! I have a spilting headache!!! I took some Iron and some advil and its still pounding!
Well, I love you guys.... I am sure I'll come full circle.
(I actually am considering Egg Donation...)