Thread for those TTC many years

[dancingirl76]

Marynaz,
I do know how you feel. When I was going through my 3rd time of IVF I wondered if it would ever happen. I got a BFP then... but had a m/c the next month. My dr said to me that had I not had a BFP after three times they would have started wondering if there was another problem too... etc. I really don't count my first and second times as having much chance though because I feel the clinic I was at then bumbled everything... but what do you do?
It is true though that at least I knew it could work... but then it opened up a whole new set of fears that I didn't have before. before it was just all about getting PG... now I had to worry about staying PG too! Yikes.

I have by beta in two days and god am I scared. I have taken a few POAS that have been neg, but then again I know even if I am PG it may not show up yet (using a text with a high level needed). I go back and forth between thinking I am and not. My boobs hurt so darn bad I can't even cross my arms and if they graze something... talk about hurt. But... could just be the progesterone (although they didn't hurt like this the first 2 times, and they did the third time when I was pos. plus when I was pos last time as soon as I had the bleed from m/c they stopped hurting instantly but they left me on prorgesterone shots for another month while we waited it out to see if they saw anything on the u/s). But then I think about the POAS all being neg so far... and that they may be neg anyway still... and that I sometimes have small cramps... and then that I had 3 really good embbies and the ET went awesome... then I think how could I be so lucky as to have it work two times in a row.....................................................
So I am an emotional roller coaster see sawing MESS!!!!!!

I'm just ready to get this over with and be done with IVF. Of course I don't mean I'll give up after this time if it is neg... just I am so ready to get PG and be done with it. I've spent so much time on this, so much emotion, so much energy and I'm exhausted.

[Hopeful in SD]

Hi Ladies, I have not been trying for as long as some of you, but I have felt a lot of the pain you have. This cycle I got a BFP and am currently waiting for my u/s. As some of you have said, I'm still worried about the u/s and if I'll see a hb. The worrying for us never seems to end. I have been looking for positive threads to keep myself thinking positive. I found a great thread on General Forums ... Reunion April/May 06. They talk about what we are all going through now and talk about their healthy, beautiful babies, including pictures. Just thought I'd share as it helped me see I will get through this.

[wendy30]

Hi Ladies

I think anyone who can put themselves through numerous ivf cycles are amazing.

It was our 8th cycle that we finally ended up with our lovely little boy, who is now 1.

I feel we are being greedy now trying for another and are currently on our 2ww.

The amount of cycles you can cope with financially and emotionally is different for everyone. I never thought I would go through as many as I did.

Good luck to you all, may you all have your dream come true.

Wendy x

[kez01]

Hi everyone,

hope you dont mind me joining the thread. I'm currently at work doing the night shift, I'm a gynae nurse, just on my break.

Your stories are all amazing, reading them makes me feel angry that we all have to go through such stressful times, when having a child is supposed to be wonderful, happy and easy.

I have been trying for five years, I have endometriosis, and am anovulatory meaning I very rarely ovulate. I tried 6months of clomid, I did ovlulate but DH sperm motility is not good so did not conceive. Have had 2 ivf and 1 FEt, I now have 2 frosties waiting to be used.

I am also waiting for my follow up appointment following a BFN in July. I have so many questions as three times I have had embryos put in and they are grade 1 and I just can't seem to get pregnant. My friend has two children and cant decide whether to have a third, I just think get a grip and remember who your talking to.

I think I have a problem with implantation and dont know what they are going to do about it.

Work is so hard as all my co workers are having babies, my sister is also pregnant but she needed ivf too, but she does have 2 children already. As i said I'm a gynae nurse so I see pregnant women every day misscarrying etc and also sadly terminations and I just have to keep all my emotions to myself. With each year that passes I'm finding it harder and harder. We are also running out of money. I said this last treatment would be our last as we have to pay for it all, but I just can't see myself being able to say "thats it".

Thanks for letting me ramble. I think your all stars and am glad we have eachother.

Take care
Kerry xx

[birdie]

Hi Ladies,

Still reeling from the news yesterday of my BFN on my 2nd attempt. I realize that compared to many of you, 2 attempts is nothing but I was interested to read all of your posts. I've been having lots of questions regarding how long one makes a go of this before giving up or pursing other options. This cycle was particularly hard for me for some reason. We're not planning on giving up yet but are now looking into a shared risk program that would allow us 3 more attempts (I feel like I may need it). We've maxed out our insurance coverage and as you all know, this stuff ain't cheap, so we'd like to have the opportunity to get some of the money back if all fail.
I find it truly amazing to read about some women who are on their 5th, 6th, even 7th attempt. The one woman who finally had success on her 8th (I forget her name) is very inspiring. My question is, how do you find the strength to keep going? How do you know when to throw in the towel? This is only my 2nd attempt, and while I know that's not much and it is still a fresh disappointment, I just feel really crushed and pessimistic. I worry about the toll it is taking on my mental health not to mention my physical health. Am I setting my self up for future health problems by injecting all these hormones into my body?
I'm thankful for theses boards and for the ladies willing to share their stories. It does make this process that much easier to know you're not alone.

Thank you, everyone.

[Marynaz]

dancingirl76,
I wish you luck and baby dust to you. Going through 4 cycles is not easy good luck to u.

[Marynaz]

Dear Kerry,
Hope you are doing fine. I understand all the sadness that you go through but please don't loose your hope. You are still young and have much time to go. I never thought I am a jealos person before because I was happy with, things I have in life but now when I see a woman carring a little child I feel so bad. I try to change myself but it is not in my hand. I really want to be a mom. so I decided to try as much as I can and I feel I can do it. It is not financialy easy for us sice our insurance doesn't pay for anything but I try my best. I really pray for all of you and babay dust.

[dancingirl76]

Birdie... in answer to your question... I don't know. I don't know how anyone finds the strength to continue trying, especially 7-8 times. I don't know how I have had the strength to do it 4 times. I think as long as there is hope that it could work you want to keep trying though.

My husband and I talked about it last night. He wanted to know if I wanted to give up and try for adoption or keep going. I think as long as the dr thinks there is hope and insurance is paying for it I will keep trying. But the thought of 3 or 4 more tries seems exhausting. but... then I think what if it only took one more try and I didn't do it... would I regret it 20 yrs down the road when I am 50 some years old with no child. And I think I would. I want to exhaust every resource I have, and as long as my husband and my dr are ok with that... that's what we will do.

I haven't gotten the results of todays beta yet, although I am confident I already know the answer- neg. I finally confided in my husband last night about POAS neg. I have to admit... POAS has made today much easier basically already knowing the result. I am afraid I might not hear about the result until tomorrow since I tested at a local lab instead of driving 1 1/2 to the clinic (would have cost lots in gas plus a $25 copay). I have waited this long... what's another day right.

My emotions go all over the place on this... and change constantly. I think this has really tested my faith... to the point I'm not sure what I even believe in anymore. I don't know if I believe in a god anymore. I suppose that is sad to say. I have never considered myself an overly religious person, but I used to believe in a lot and now I'm not so sure. If there is a god how can it be that there are so many wonderful women out there who want this so badly and get denied time after time... yet someone who doesn't even want children seem to have no problem and treat them terrible. I get tired of hearing "there's a plan for you" and "it'll happen when it's right" or "when it is supposed to" or my favorite "God only gives you what you can handle" oh and I almost forgot "it builds character". Well... I think a lot of us have had enough to deal with for a long time and have enough character already.

The things I am certain of though are that I've learned a lot about what I am capable of (being able to give myself shots... have an egg retrieval completely awake, have a 4 hr transfer where I finally have to be put under total anesthetic)... and I've learned above all things I believe in myself.

[birdie]

I hear ya Dancingirl about all the things people say. You forgot "In God's time, not your time". Well He sure is taking his time, huh? You're right, it really doesn't seem fair that some people seem to get pregnant so easily, people who don't have the means to care for their kids or who don't treat them well. And then, the people who really desire them and try so hard to get pregnant just can't.
You sound like you have a supportive husband and that is so very important to have a partner helping you through this. I like what you said about believing in yourself. I think that's important too. Sometimes it's hard. I think, how many more times can I go through this? How much can my body and mind take before I go completely insane? But I agree, as long as there is that glimmer of hope that it could work one of these times you should keep trying. That's what I'm planning to do. I'm not about to give up yet.
I wish you luck through this process and that you get that BFP you are hoping for.

[wishfull27]

Hi ladies - hope you don't mind me joining in ??

Dh and I have been trying for about 5 years - about 2 years ago we thought best see doctor and after basic tests was told DH had low count - prob as a result of car accident 4 years before when he had fractured pelvis - in our area there is currenlty no funding for IVF so we have had to pay out of pocket for 2 cycles - both BFN - after last and more response to meds on both cycles - first cycle they retrieved 3 eggs, second 5 have been advised to go down ED rout - which we are currenlty looking in to - its just a waiting list where evr you go and the clinic we are with does not do ED - just more pressure

Not usre how many more times we will try - I was gutted after BFN in July and ended being signed off work for 3 weeks - just could not stop crying and head was all over place - and have quite a stressful job - if I had been faced with a difficult situation to deal with I would have just burst in to tears

I now feel much stronger but the pain will never go away - just need to focus on the next stage of our journeys to become mummies - I am 40 in a couple of months but at least using ED route there is not so much of an age issue - most will treat up to age of 46 - but i soooo do not want to be a first time mum at 46

Keep strong we will all achieve our dreams

love to all

carolyn xx

[Marynaz]

Dear carolyn,
I am glad that you are not disappointed after second failed IVF. Going through all these things are not easy but going through ED, I am sure will work for you good luck to you.

[wendy30]

Birdie, I don't know how you stay strong but think this board helps a lot. I know I had good times, bad times and utterly crap times during my cycles. I found the second negative the hardest to deal with (not sure that makes sense) but you sort of assume that first time it won't work but second time it might. I wanted to give up after that, but dh convinced me to carry on.

We funded four of our cycles and got nhs funding for the others.

I sort of found I would do a cycle then following a negative result, book a holiday before the next cycle, it helped balance the ivf with having a normal life.

There is a saying in Scotland 'whats for you won't go past you'. Can't tell you how many times I heard that one... I think you need to fight for what you want in life!

Kerry, our problem was with impantation. I am now given antibiotics pre and post ec and et. I read that endometriosis can cause problems with implantation, it caused my hydrosalphix (both tubes now) and it was the fluid that was destroying the chances of the embryos implanting.

I have to say for helping to deal with things emotionally, reiki really relaxed me and helped me not to fixate on the ivf. I had this for the first time on the cycle that created Joe and have also had some sessions this cycle as well

Wendy xx

[dancingirl76]

I had my beta on Sat and was upset because I had never gotten a call from my dr office to give me the results. I had called the outside lab last week to ask if coming in on Sat AM would be a problem and getting the result faxed to my clinic ASAP that day and they said it would be fine. I tried to be patient (I pretty much knew the result from POAS... but still held out hope). I did get ahold of the lab yesterday to at least tell if they had faxed it or not... and can you believe they told me they had no way to tell if they had or not. I begged them to at least tell me if it was a neg result or pos. sighting that I have to take a shot every night and if it was positive I needed to be in their clinic Mon AM. Finally after talking to several people and getting a supervisor he agreed to tell me. It was neg of course.

My doctor called me personally today to talk to me. Come to find out... the lab just faxed the results at 9 something this AM. I am pissed! I'd like to give them a piece of my mind... but what's the point ya know?

Anyway, since I already knew the result... I was able to get on to the important questions. I asked him how he thought this cycle went and he thought it went well... we got 11 eggs, 6 fertilized, and 3 embryos to transfer. We know my system can work, and we know I can get pregnant... it's just getting everything all at the same time. He continues to think it can work.

He wanted to know what we wanted to do from here on... or if we needed time to think. I told him my husband and I had talked and agreed to keep trying as long as we have the insurance, the will, and it looks like it can work.

I kept my composure the whole time and didn't cry until the very end when I told him I talk to some really great, brave women on this message board and it breaks my heart to think so many want to go further but can't because they can't afford it and their insurance doesn't cover it. I told him I feel I owe it to those women out there to keep trying as long as I can.

So we are looking at October/November for the next time. Here's hoping the 5th time is the charm, or maybe the 6th, 7th, ... or 8th!

In the words of Molly Brown (Yes, my mom made me watch all kinds of musicals growing up), "Sure I may be tuckered, and I may give out, but I won't give IN!"

[Marynaz]

Dear Dancingirl,
Sorry to hear about your BFN. I am glad that you stay strong and you will continue to try. It is good that your inurance pay for this however I know it is not just about money but believe it is very important. My insurance doesn't cover anything and we pay out of packet for everything and because my doctor is not in my insurance group anything after second beta U/S and more blood work all we have to pay cash
We were ready to buy a house but we decided to spend our downpayment money to have kids See you are lucky honey:)
be in touch as we go for our second cycle in October so we can chat and I hope it will be our time. Maybe God wants to give us X-mass gift:)

[birdie]

Wendy, I know exactly what you mean by the 2nd BFN being harder to deal with. I think this last cycle for me in general was awful because I already knew what I was going to have to deal with, esp. with the 2ww, and also how it felt to get a BFN. I've been going back and forth from feeling like I'm going to be alright to feeling like a basket case. You are really an inspiration to me though, sticking it out for 8 tries and then finally achieving success. Woo hoo! It gives me hope. I don't think you should feel greedy for wanting another baby. As you said, you have to fight for what you want and if that's what you want, then nothing wrong with that.

Dancingirl, sorry to hear about the BFN but you've got company here. Good for you for having the courage to keep going. If things go as my husband and i are planning, we will be doing another cycle Oct./Nov. too so I'll be right there with you. I'm trying to remain positive and like you said, as long as there's that glimmer of hope, I'm going for it.