Thread for those TTC many years

[kerpupples]

Hey ladies. I have more replies but I've just been down on this whole process lately. Will type more soon (esp you dancinggirl as I had to call and harass my clinic for my last beta).

[wendy30]

We got a bfn today, no great shock. Not quite sure what we will do next, I put our name back on the list for a full cycle in April and a consultation in November. I'm not sure I want to do anymore, we would love a large family but maybe we should settle for the lovely little blessing we already have.

Birdie, nothing wrong with feeling like a basket case its what keeps you human.

Marynaz, we spent our house money on ivf as well, decided there was no point having the great family home without the family to live in it. We live in a nice flat with enough room for Joe and are now hoping to move to a house with a garden before next summer.

Dancingirl, that sound really bad the way you had to wait for your result.

Good luck for the next cycle, all oct/nov buddies then, try to have a wee bit of a normal life in between, pamper yourself and eat what you like ( just munched a bar of chocolate whn Joe went to bed).

Wendy xx

[Marynaz]

Dear wendy,
Sorry for your BFN. It would be nice for your little Joe to have a brother or sister. I am the only child so I always wanted to have more than one child but right now I am even OK with one
I am sure you will get BFP next time

[dancingirl76]

It is funny how going through this changes your priorities. I am an only child to... and although I don't think it was so bad, now that I am older i realize how nice it would be to have siblings that I could rely on to deal with parents, for holidays, etc. My husband was always set on us having 2 kids... but who knows what will happen down the road. I'd say we would be really lucky to have one.
And, being able to plan how far apart your children are. Most people can do that. They can decide 2-3-4yrs apart, whatever... but we don't get that luxery. I feel that if we are lucky enough to have 1, if we would want another we almost have to get started again right away because who knows how long it could take.
Right now, that seems like a lifetime away... almost an impossible thing since who knows how long it will take for me to have one.

And... how this changes your priority of having multiples! My first cycle when they transferred two embryos I prayed that only 1 took... then my third cycle I prayed not all three took. How I would love to take that back. I could only be so lucky as to have 2 at the same time and just be done. Of course... they couldn't be the same sex though... LOL

[kez01]

Hi everyone,

Wendy: I'm sorry for your BFN, they are just so hard to deal with. I have had lots of encouragement about problems with implantation as I do feel thats my problem. Others have tried antibiotic therapy pre and post EC and ET. On another thread there is someone who is having a mock cycle and having an endometrial biopsy 2 to 3 days following LH surge to check if her oestrogen and progesterone are at an optimum level to be receptive. I feel armed now to meet my RE. Good luck with you.

Kerrupples: I'm sorry your feeling down, if you dont post keep reading it will help your spirits, we are all here for you Take care.

Dancinggirl: I'm appalled that you had to wait for your beta, it must have been agony, I know when you POAS you do still hold out until the very last minute in the hope of getting a positive. My thoughts go out to you and your DH.

Mary: thanks for the encouragement, you have been very strong, I am wishing you baby dust

Hey Birdie: the xmas present would be lovely, I'm still waiting to see my RE so who knows I may be joining you in the oct/nov group.

Well I finished my 7 nights at work and now I'm recovering. I was very glad to finish. Who would have thought it would be one of my colleagues who would upset me, knowing that I have just had a failed ivf. It has made me feel that I am not totally over my disappointment yet, and not strong enough to cope with silly comments.

She was feeling alittle impatient with one of our patients (i'm a gynae nurse by the way), anyway she said "she wants to see what having a baby is like, then she'll know pain", this not appropriate in itself. Anyway I said well the pain she is experiencing is different from labour pains, then she looked at me and said "how would you know", this felt like a knife I know I'm silly but it really hurt. I said "well I wouldn't" but then went onto explain the differences in the pain the patient was feeling. I felt so mad and hurt all at the same time. This woman is in her fifties and usually very nice. It has just made me feel so down and not want to socialise with people incase they say something like that to me again. Yes I have not experienced childbirth but I am a qualified nurse and I have endometriosis which is not exactly a walk in the park.

Sorry for ranting on girls.
Take care all of you
Kerry x

[Marynaz]

Hello Everone,
Hope all goes well for u all,
I am doing fine but I feel very sensetive and still not really happy after my BFN on August 11, It is now almost 3 weeks and I still feel sad. Is this normal. I was worried and wanted to see a doctor as I thought I may have depression. Life is not beautiful like before and it may be because of all the hormons but they should be out my body by now right?
I started a diet to lose some weight for my next cycle in October I thought it may help

Kerry, How are u doing? no more night shifts. I missed your notes.

[birdie]

Hi Marynaz,

I got a BFN last Friday and I'm feeling pretty depressed too. I can go about my day for the most part but then little things, like a song or a t.v. commercial, can set me off and I start crying again. I think it's pretty normal to feel this way, even after three weeks. After my first BFN I was depressed for a whole month. Nothing made me happy, food had no taste, I felt like I was under a dark cloud. Gradually it lifted and life went back to normal. I'm sure part of feeling this way is the hormones but don't forget what an emotional roller coaster ride this is. I would give yourself some more time and go easy on yourself. If you continue to feel depressed and you really feel like you can't function, maybe talking to a counselor might help. The ivf clinics encourage it and often have people they can refer you to. You've got a cycle to look forward to in Oct. I'm hoping to do another one either then or Nov so I'm trying to focus on going forward and that helps a bit. Remember, we all know what you're going through. Hang in there and hope you feel better soon.

[Marynaz]

Hi birdie,
Thanks for the note. Now I know it can be normal I feel better sorry that you are going through the same thing. Hope the next cycle work for both of us and no more crying for us
I will try to enjoy this weekend and enjoy by going out to the beaches. Ocean always gives me peace. take care

[dancingirl76]

Marynaz, I think what you are feeling is just a natural part of the grieving process... and really that is what this is. For some of us, IVF is the first time we know everything came together and worked. We can see it, physically by seeing the pictures of those embryos. No wondering if the timing was right. We know they were where they needed to be. But then for some reason... it just doesn't work. I've been through this 4 times, and each time it feels a little different but the same too. You go into this on such a high hoping it works, believing in yourself, dreaming of the future... and then it slowly slips away. When it does slip away we not only have to deal with the raging hormones and the disappointment, we also have to deal with the realization of what we have to go through all over again to try and then... what if doesn't work then, what if it never ever works. Then what.
If someone can go through this without ever feeling down, depressed, or like there is no way they can possibly deal with anything more... I'll kiss their you know what. But, time goes by... and it does make things easier... and one day (I truly believe this) we will all look back at these times and laugh at ourselves for thinking it would never work, never happen... just like when we were 16 crying our eyes out to our moms because the guy we liked didn't ask us to the dance and thinking we were just gonna die. And then, when we thought 'this guys the one'... and he turned out to be a dog... how were we ever going to find someone to spend our lives with... worrying that we were never going to get married. Think about all those wasted tears, the time spent worrying... when all we needed to do was wait a little longer.
It'll happen... in due time, we just have to keep the faith, and be persistant.
Here's to October and November, may they be the start of the rest of our lives!

[Marynaz]

dancingirl,
Thanks for the note. You are right it will happen to us it just need more wait. I really admire you going through 4 is not easy but it worth it. I am sure you will get what you want. When do u start again?

[kez01]

Hi all,

Marynaz: yes I have finished my nights, I missed chatting properly with everyone when I was on my nights. I am sorry your feeling down and sad, it doesn't go away, 3 weeks down the line and you will have your good days and bad days. I wish I could be more positive for you but I still have them I think we need to give ourselves a break and if we feel sad just go with it and dont feel bad about it.

I had a bad week on nights as I stated in one of my last posts, one of the girls at work upset me and I still dont feel recovered from her comments. It does make you feel will you ever be strong enough to just let something like that go over your head as my other friend said, I wish that was possible. That coming from someone who had 2 beautiful children and can't quite decide whether to have a third

I hope you have a nice weekend at the beach, we dont have any beaches near here but I agree that the sound of crashing waves does give you a sense of peace.

I hope everyone else has a really good weekend.
Take care, thinking of you all
Kerry x

[Marynaz]

Dear Kerry,
Sorry that you had a bad week. I noticed that we all are very sensetive and this is normal for all of us, after all we went through a lot. I had a laser hair removal today and the nurse asked me if I have any kids and I told her unfortunatly no. She smiled and said why you say that? I have kids but is not easy to rais them and don't think having kids is a good thing. I didn't say anything but I was thinking ya you are right it is easy for you to say having no kids is good but how about if you couln't have any like me. I am sure you all understand me

[jade81]

Hi girls
How is everyone going? I had my Beta the other day and it has come back at 6 so not enough to keep it going on - I'm just waiting to bleed basically. Repeat Beta on Monday but POAS has gone negative now so its a waiting game. I'm surprisingly Ok about it - I think the more you go through it the stronger you get (well sometimes I think that lol) We are going to take time out for the rest of the year and I'll try and get healthy etc.. I'm going to keep up natural things and accupuncture etc and we'll start a fresh cycle in January or February hopefully. This journey is certainly a roller coaster. I hope everyone is going ok and hanging in there
Jade xx

[karenvancouverisland]

hi ladies. i haven't read this full thread yet, but wanted to reply to say that YES I AM BITTER! and quite honestly- it's awesome to be able to vent about it without worrying that the people listening will either think i'm a total *****, or that i need to be admitted for a psych eval.

i'm 36, ttc for 4 years, and totally freaking out about my age. for the most part, i HATE pregnant people. i avoid them and their babies. sometimes it's awful being me. i can be in such a jealous, bitter place. i have a hard time looking moms of young ones in the eyes. sometimes i want to scream at them "do you appreciate your kids!" "cause you should". and sometimes i just want to pull my hair out.

i never thought this would happen to me, my oldest sister had kids at 39 and 42. so i thought i was safe. my other sister has 2 also. so WHY me?? i'm a good person. i'd be a great mom... so WTF!!

my social life has shrunk since IF. i'm either obsessively researching on the net the latest IF cure (DHEA is my newest thing), or i'm just plain avoiding friends who are either pregnant, have young ones, or have said stupid, thoughtless things to me - like- "you'll conceive as soon as you stop thinkng about it" , or 'why don't you read 'the secret' , then you'll get pregnant".

so theres my rant.. i this thread. good luck to all of us. karen

[karenvancouverisland]

the end of that was supposed to read 'i love this thread' ..karen