Hey Ladies,
I thought I had better come and post, before u all think I’ve deserted you
I haven’t, and I wouldn’t
… Thank u for your messages – and your wee ‘miss you’ posts xxx
I’m still here and I’m getting by. I couldn’t possibly catch up on what’s been happening – I’m bad enough at keeping up with events at home/work
let alone on here. So I apologize for that.
I’m afraid this next piece might not be what you all want to hear ladies, but I need to write it down somewhere – and for me, the place where everyone understands what I’m going through, is here.
Please don’t feel you have to read, if you don’t want to then that is fine honestly.
I should have been 12 wks and 3 days today!
I have good days and bad days … on my bad days I think I’m going crazy … I worry that I’m worrying too much about things and letting myself go. When my head fills with thoughts of the baby, I can’t help but scream inside …
I close my eyes, and I go back to the day I m/c, and I can see everything over and over again. It starts off when I’m on the toilet, then I’m wrapping it in tissue, then I’m putting it in the ground, then Brian is planting the plant and having to dig the earth in his wellies, and I’m stood there in my pink fluffy dressing gown thinking – jeeze we could have worn summit a bit more fitting … then there is the fact that there are birds up in the tree that bends over the plant, and some of them have left some nice poo on the green leafs, so I have to go out at the weekend to clean it off … I think I’m going mad – who in their right minds goes to an outdoor plant and washes the leafs??? I keep thinking about the wee outfits I bought, will I ever get to put them on my baby. I can’t give them away, but I cant bear that they are now up in the attic in the cold – waiting for a baby … our baby.
It’s been 4 weeks and 1 day since my baby left me. Wasn’t I good enough? Didn’t he/she love me enough? I loved him/her like no other. I wanted my baby so much. I’ve never felt grief like this before in my life ladies. I lost my mum when I was just 9 years old, and my dad when I was 6mths old. I didn’t grieve for my dad, and when I did for my mum, it didn’t feel like this. This feels like a hole inside of me … it physically hurts inside and when that happens, I’m sure my heart is breaking.
Oh I don’t show this to the outside world, to them I am getting on with my life and ‘getting over’ losing my baby. To those that don’t know that I’ve lost a baby, I’m still me! I come to work, I go shopping, I go out for lunch with my work mates and meals and the cinema with our friends. I laugh with them (and have cried with some of them too – the ones that understand!)
These thoughts only happen when I’m alone. Sometimes when I’m driving in my car, or when I’m having a soak in the bath, when I close my eyes to go to sleep, then finally when the sleep comes, I dream I’m still pregnant or that I’ve given birth, and my baby is beautiful. Then I wake up and realize it was a dream, I try to go back to the same dream, it was so nice in there, why can’t I live in my dreams where my baby is?? I want my baby back so much … I don’t know what to do or how to get past bad days like this..
(I’ve tried retail therapy, but my bank balance isn’t having any of it lol)
I am going mad aren’t I …
Poor guy! Maybe you will have to just do what Angie said...kiss his boo boo's from the swab... 
Hope you have a nice relaxing night girly!!!
i wish more than anything there was SOMETHING that could be done to just whisk away all of the pain..... you come and go as you please.....as always -- we're right here