FET in FEB 2009

[Melo_P]

Its all over this round for me. Am so so gutted. AF this morning. Very heavy period - and on day 23??? Haven't ever had so short a cycle EVER - so don't know what is going on.

Am just DREADING telling DH and having the whole do you want to try again conversation - and just completely stressed about how we will finance another go - and can't even face the prospect of not trying again - so not sure where too from here

Sorry to be on a downer. I hope we have some BFP's soon on the thread to lift spirits.

M

[siouxsie]

Woke up this morning with a call from the nurse saying I was scheduled to be there for beta ??? Of course, I ran in and did it, but also double checked the paper and it definitely says 2/9. Anyway, since it’s a weekend, I still don’t get result until tomorrow. But, I guess it’s good since I didn’t have a chance to build up anxiety about it. No matter the results, I also am supposed to take a second beta 2/10.

Melo_P
This is definitely not a fun rollercoaster to be on at times. But, I think Summerbaby could be onto something with the implantation. Try to hang in there.

I think the embryo sticking in the catheter is pretty common and shouldn’t affect the outcome. Still, you shouldn’t be forced to be treated by someone you’re not comfortable with. (esp. for the amount of $$$ you’re paying) and it’s okay to rant if you need to. My normal doctor is out on maternity leave (ha, ha) so I had a different dr. this time. I wasn’t thrilled, but it seemed to go smoothly enough.

summerbaby
Congratulations on your two. Wishing you the best.

I’d be interested in hearing about your experience in Prague, esp. why you choose to go there and research you did beforehand. If we’re not successful, we have enough savings/debt tolerance for only one more major push. These are options we’re considering:

1) participate in study at my clinic comparing IVF to ZIFT (if not pregnant 2nd cycle would be ½ price) http://www.uscfertility.org/clinical_re ... mation.php
2) use my sister (almost 35yo) as an egg donor
3) go international (perhaps we’d get more cycles at same cost)
4) consider embryo donor

I’ve been looking for an international CDC/SART equivalent but haven’t come up with much.

[BarbD]

melo p--so sorry to hear about AF coming. My heart breaks when I hear that it has not work this month and then you have to find courage to try again. Sending you lots of hugs and blessing.

summer--welcome to the 2ww, it is hard but we can manage to stay a little sain or atleast I pretend to be.

sorry to be so short, I keep having these really bad pains in my right side so I am trying to stay in bed and relax.

Have a good nighy

[summerbaby]

dear melo p - I am so very sad to read that AF arrived this morning. You work so hard to do everything right and get to a good place to try again and it doesn't work out and it is the worst feeling. We have all been there before and know the pain and disappointment and uncertainty you are feeling. The money issue is such a big factor and that is really one of the major downsides, because all we are trying to do is something that should be natural and for free, but somehow not possible with our bodies....
Sending you a big hug and hoping for a bright future for you and DH on your journey.

siouxie, did you forget that you had your beta? or did they call you a day early? you sound so relaxed - do hope your post later today starts with a bfp!
Our RE recommended this clinic, when all indications were that my eggs were probably too old ...Since DE isn't legal in either germany (where I live) or austria (where I had tmt), we went where he suggested, which was in Prague. I didn't do a lot of other research other than in Spain, where it was more expensive and just decided to trust my RE, who we had a good relationship with during our other ivf tmts.
What is CDC/SART that you mentioned? An accreditation?
The max age for an egg donor where we went was 35. My donor was 32 and already has children of her own. Does your sister already have children?
Going international would probably be cheaper, but then you have the added cost of flights, which you can't always book very far in advance, thus in the end, costing more...and the stress of flying back and forth...
What would be the advantage of being part of that study? Perhaps you'd be monitored more closely, which wouldn't be bad.

Perhaps all of this is a moot point, because you are going to be getting your bfp today!!
good luck today and I hope I answered your questions.

Hi Barb, what have you enjoyed the most about your 2ww? -- :DWhat I mean to ask, have you done anything that especially made the time pass by? Just over 1/2 week to go till your bfp...will you test at home before your beta?

brit and smiles, hope you are both well.

xx summer

[brit1612]

Melo P- I am so sorry to hear the news. I know exactly what you feel like. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

siouxsie- Hope to hear some great news today!

summerbaby- We went through the site miracles waiting. It is a place where potential donors and recipients can go to find a match. Not everyone there is as open as we have been, but you determine everything and not a clinic or an orginization. It was very easy for us, but there are some people on there who have never had anyone show any interest in donating to them. I guess we were really lucky. You do have to pay 100 to gain access to the entire site, but it was well worth it for us.

barbd- hope your 2ww is going well. Have you thought about poas yet? I can't decide if I want to or not. They scheduled my beta for 14dp5dt so I am going to be very tempted when it gets closer.

I am 4dp5dt now and this 2ww can't get through quick enough! I am very glad to be off bedrest, although I can't do much of anything. No cleaning the house, cooking, lifting anything over 5 pds, but it is all going to be worth it. Do ya'll have these same restrictions?

[siouxsie]

Melo
I’m truly sorry. I was composing offline, so I must have missed this post before my last post. I don’t have the right words, but most of us here can really understand your grief. All I can say is life is !@#$%^& unfair. You are definitely in my thoughts today. Please treat yourself easy and gently. Put off that conversation if you need a little time to grief first. The money is always impossible, but you’ll find a way if that’s what you need to do.

Summerbaby
I’m not really sure what happened with the beta. The chart they gave me said 2/9. Perhaps they mentioned 2/8 at the transfer, but I missed it in the valium haze.

My sister doesn’t have children, but doesn’t want to. I’d hate to make her go through the needles etc., but she says she is willing. I am torn because on one hand, theoretically her eggs would be better than mine even if by a slim margin, but on the other hand, we know how I react to the drugs and we don’t know how she will.

International is definitely cheaper even with flights etc. (we have no insurance coverage), but without the stats I’m not sure if I’m comparing apples to apples.

CDC and SART keep stats nationally for US fertility clinics. The idea is that you can compare more levelly since the same criteria are reported.

CDC http://apps.nccd.cdc.gov/ART2005/clinics05.asp
SART http://www.sart.org/

Sadly, I only speak English so it would have to be a place where the doctors and staff were comfortable with English.

The study would give us the second procedure at ½ off if we weren’t successful the first time. Maybe more careful monitoring, too, I don’t know.

BarbD
Let’s hope the pains are a good sign.



I am really anxiously waiting for clinic to call with the results. I hope they don’t wait unit 4:30! I almost took POAS this morning, but resisted. Now I wish I did. Uggghh.

[siouxsie]

Hooray. BFP! 1st beta was 41.

DH is crying. So happy, but still scared 'til we make it past our last record of 14 weeks.

Let's start a trend, ladies.

[malya324]

Siouxsie, congrats! That so great, I'm keepin my fingers crossed for you!


Sorry I haven't been writing, just waiting for AF to start our experimental cycle. If it works we're going for transfer (out of sync with the rest of the clinic) if not we have another cycle scheduled for March with an implantation date on my birthday, the 24th.

Hope all of you a fruitful cycle!

[BarbD]

Hola ladies,

summer/brit1612--I did POAS and once came out negative and the 2nd time there was a faint line, I think It was a bad ideas to POAS since the first time I cried for about 2hrs and wanted to just give up, the second time I feel like it is too early. I have bad cramps on/off and my breast are really sore but other than that I am taking it one day at a time. The best part of this 2ww is that my hubby is not letting me do anything around the house but relax and take it easy. He has done all the cooking and cleaning

siouxie--CONGRADULATIONS!!!!

MeloP--how are you doing sweety?

[Melo_P]

Siouxsie - thats wonderful news! Congratulations. I guess the next big thrill will be finding out how many of those lovely little embryos stuck!!

Smiles - I hope your Beta goes well

Barb - I know its early - but surely tentative congratulations! Are you on a natural non medicated cycle? If so it would be impossible for HCG readings to have come from anywhere else!!

Thanks all for all the kind words. On the one hand am doing much better (i.e. am functioning and talking and walking on auto pilot and getting on with stuff and have decided to rush headlong into another IVF cycle.

On the other hand I really feel scared that the worm is turning. I know how all of you already relate - so certainly don't want to self indulge - but life before my DD pretty much became one huge uncontrollable nightmare after so long from probably trying and not coping too well (I had the forum and things but otherwise live in NZ with really all my family in the UK). When after the 6 years I actually got pregnant with DD - I literally felt like I had been pulled back from the brink (or the disgusting smelly bottom actually) of a deep black well and like I got my life back and had a reprieve from all of this - but now I just feel like its all getting too big again and like I can't stop myself from sinking into this dark place that just hangs around all the time on the down low and makes me sad and angry and volotile and resentful and desperate and scared and like pure screaming and then feeling all those things all over again for being so selfish and self indulgant that I even feel that way.

Also just scared that I can't curb how much I increasingly want to hide from all things and people that trigger emotions I can't control. More and more crap is now off limits for me coz just makes me feel bad - so is the result going to be this horrid bitter hermit life where I can't actually cope with anyone or anything anymore?? Am just tired and can't see a way out of how I just feel uncontrollably upset and full of ugly feelings - that really I don't even have the right to have.

Just feel so tired with that battle with myself to make myself feel better and think positive stuff / get stuff in perspective / be grateful for what I've got blah blah - while all the crap stuff just keeps resurfacing. This infertility lark is just like fighting your own worse demon that sticks at things like glue. What if I never figure out how to accept this and move on?

So sorry folks. Am crying and just sad and indulging in the most ridiculous spoilt rant. So think a session with a counselor and/or big bottle of wine is on the cards.

Other than that am throwing myself at the wall again - i.e. am starting a fresh IVF cycle today - which is just about crazy because I don't even have clearance from the bank to get another NZD10,000 debt.

Baby dust to all you strong courageous woman (and partners) who really are the little bits of light that make this whole thing manageable.

Hugs

Mel

[malya324]

MEL- I am so sorry to hear you are reaching that place again. I've only been here once, I can't imagine it ever ending or going through this a second time. You are very brave.

I understand about being a hermit. I had been going to a class with other women in my community. Out of the seven women in the class three are now very pregs. The Rabbi's wife leaves a message every week to remind me about the class. I have told one of my firends that I just can't take those three women (the rabbi's wife included) rubbing their pregnant bellies, it was just too much. I stopped going a month ago.

Don't feel bad about feeling bad. Its the women who don't cry, or show any emotion that I worry about.

I'm in Las Vegas while our family is spread out between Michigan, Ohio and Isreal. I miss my family tremendously and sometime I just "wanna go home". We've been living here far two years now, about the same amount of time we have been trying to get pregnant. It can become overwhelming without thats support structure you were use to growing up.

I want to wish everyone courage to go on and understanding friends and family to support you. My all of our pain be replaced by happiness this year!

-Malya-

[BarbD]

malya--I know how you feel about not having family near you, all our family is either in NY or FL. Sometimes it just gets so lonely and overwhelming to be out here without a family support.

Melo--I know how you feel about that dark place where you wish you could be cause then reality is not as bad, but then I look at my DD and I realize that no matter how life seems at this moment and this time when nothing else matters. It does because we have someone that will look up to us and when I look at her and remember how it felt to carry her in me and how it felt to hold her in my arms then it just makes it worth every penny to move on and go forward. I keep telling my DH that is this time it doesn't work I am just going to take a break cause all these shots and extra hormones are making me crazy. I don't want to even go to work(I work in a hospital in the Pediatric Dept) I have seem so many bad things happen to kids because of there parents and I wonder why is it that they can have kids and the people that want and deserve to have them struggle.

I believe that there is a little baby up in heaven waiting to pick you to be his/her mommy and all you have to do is believe that when your turn comes it will be the most blessed moment ever. Don't give up hope and we won't stop believing.

I did do FET so I am just taking the estradiol 2mg twice a day and then 2mg of PIO(shot) once a night. Does that make it a natural cycle?

[siouxsie]

malya324
Glad you piped in I was hoping you’re doing okay. What’s the experiment in your experimental cycle? Also, I was curious about your clinic cycling everyone together. Ours just does it individually, although they do try to skip major holidays.

Melo_P
Sadly, I can relate, too. For me, one of the hardest aspects is the fuzzy future. And, in a way, the technology has made that even harder. I’m willing to throw emotions and money at this evil thing, but even if I do the monster may never disappear.

It is totally normal to be sad, angry, lonely, the whole range. You do have one amazing, huge difference this time, though. You have a DD who needs you and loves you. You will never be so lonely in the well again.

DH and I joke that if this doesn’t work out, we can always take a trip to Hawaii, max out all our credit cards, do lots of decadent things before we drown together. I guess that is not the healthiest fantasy, but sometimes the laugh helps.

BarbD
Your sentiments are beautiful. I’ll try to use them to keep myself uplifted also.

Just got a voice mail from my nurse that my betas didn’t rise enough and they want me to retest. I’ll keep you all informed, but it really can’t be good.

[malya324]

ok, yesterday was cd1, here we go again.

[siouxsie]

malya324

Good luck.