Miracle, well done on getting some housework done. Frees up your time a bit this weekend. Yeah, use your office time to get some homework done.
The girlies weekend sounds fab!!!
About the spa, I'm not really as much of an addict as Carolyn is. But I really feel like I need some relaxation and dreaming of sitting in the jaccuzzi. The only problem is that spas can be very expensive so you'd have to look for deals. Sometimes you can get lucky.
I really really want to watch a chick flick movie. Any ideas anyone?
Awaiting Treatment
I need your clever advice girls...
I need to find the right place, emotionally, towards my father and his wife, but I'm struggling a bit. I won't be able to summarize a few decades of interactions and family dynamics, but I can tell you this. My father and especially his wife are extremely inconsistent in their efforts or marks of affection. To give you an idea, my father's wife repeats every single chance she gets that she loves me like her daughter (like she's desperately trying to convince even herself). Yet she adds that, when I become a mother, I'll understand how I can never be, to her, what my sisters and brother are (technically, they're my step-brother and sisters...). She traveled all the way to Montreal to help me pick my wedding gown in 2006. But in 9 years since I moved out, she replied to my emails only once, and she called me to chat maybe 5 times max. We bought our house a year ago; she went to 5 international conventions since then but didn't drive 3 hours to visit us. Last week, for example, I sent her the ultrasound pics on Wednesday. Didn't reply to that email. Didn't show it to my dad, even (he has no email). My dad saw the pics when my aunt, who works at his office, printed them for him on Friday! THey dropped everything and drove 2 hours when I had that life-threatening infection in 2003, but I've been preparing myself for months to the fact they probably will only come see the baby when it fits with their schedule, no matter if it's their first grandchild. Might take days, a week, or more! And this is totally expected behavior in my family, this is normal.
So like my husband says, you keep getting cold showers after warm moments with them. He keeps telling me not to let my guard down, and that's what I did these past few months. I kept a safe emotional distance from them and I felt happy about it. Thing is, during the holidays we had this huge fight/discussion, totally hollywood-like drama, about how they wanted me to open up to them and be interested in them, and so on. At the same time, they told me they weren't interested in knowing about my knitting projects or the baby clothes I had bought; to them, it wasn't the important stuff. My father and his wife are very intelligent people, but emotionally handicapped. They just can't understand other people's point of view, and they pass very rigid judgements on everything. We really don't have the same values. You don't really discuss with them, you debate. And they always have the last word.
After the discussion we had with them during the holidays, DH and I and the rest of the family (my grandparents, aunt and uncle) came to the conclusion that it's us who have to adapt. Unfortunately, we can't ask them to change their attitude, because they simply are incapable of doing that. So, yes, the rest of the family has to answer their needs the best we can, without expecting them to give the same in return because a) they're inconsistent, b) they often don't understand where we come from and c) they're way too trapped in their own bubble, their own lives, values, priorities.
So since the holidays, I made a special effort to answer their needs during phone calls (they live 3 hours away). It worked. My father was happy, his wife too, we had good calls and spent much more time talking about them. On Sunday, my best friend took on herself to organize a shower for me. I invited my father's wife and my two sisters. The only date we could pick was my sister's b-day (April 4th). Given the relatively short notice, I fully expected my father's wife to wiggle her way out of it saying that she was working that weekend or had another trip planned or something. Well, not only did she reply to my friend's email right away, she said she wouldn't come because it was my sister's b-day. My sister, who will turn 20, and who could either jump on the occasion to celebrate it here (she doesn't really have friends) or to have a family dinner at a restaurant either the day before or the day after. Because that's all the celebrations will be; a dinner at a restaurant. So once again, my father's wife missed an occasion to make an effort and behave like she means it when she says she loves me like her daughter. She missed an occasion to show me she understands what a big deal a baby shower can be when you've been through everything we've been through.
I'm happy with myself because I didn't cry for this. This is a major improvement. But I'm angry with myself because she actually managed to take me by surprise once more. I didn't expect her to have the nerve to give THAT excuse. Oh, I could tell her that it's an important event for me, but even if she understood that, she would still manage to make it my fault: I could have picked another date.
I have trouble finding the right emotional place because I don't like that constant instability. I would like things to be clear, you know? I don't need her as a mother, for example, so I'd be perfectly happy if we just behaved like she's my father's wife and I'm his daughter and we get along but I don't have to behave like her daughter. It's hard, having the most significant part of your family being so unreliable. I would like to be more detached, but they're not letting me. They need me to waltz with them and it's hard for me to learn the steps. I'm not a grudgeful person, but I am very authentic and next time they call, I'll think about what just happened and it will make me angry and vulnerable. I won't be able to just do "as if" nothing happened, but that's exactly what they expect from me. And when she mentions that by the way she won't be able to come to my shower (and believe me, she'll make my two sis stay home too of course), I'll have to just smile and say that it's okay. That's what's expected from me. But that's now how I feel. So it asks me to be someone I'm not, to play a part. And I'm struggling with that.
I've already come to the conclusion that, if I want to keep my sanity and my energy through my interactions with them, I shouldn't make big deals out of their attitude and awkward moments like this. That, if I keep all my focus on all the beautiful things that are in my life right now, all this silly drama will seem unsignificant. That it will help me let go. But maybe you guys have other thoughts, other views that could help me with this?
Thanks for listening,
Sophiexxox
I need to find the right place, emotionally, towards my father and his wife, but I'm struggling a bit. I won't be able to summarize a few decades of interactions and family dynamics, but I can tell you this. My father and especially his wife are extremely inconsistent in their efforts or marks of affection. To give you an idea, my father's wife repeats every single chance she gets that she loves me like her daughter (like she's desperately trying to convince even herself). Yet she adds that, when I become a mother, I'll understand how I can never be, to her, what my sisters and brother are (technically, they're my step-brother and sisters...). She traveled all the way to Montreal to help me pick my wedding gown in 2006. But in 9 years since I moved out, she replied to my emails only once, and she called me to chat maybe 5 times max. We bought our house a year ago; she went to 5 international conventions since then but didn't drive 3 hours to visit us. Last week, for example, I sent her the ultrasound pics on Wednesday. Didn't reply to that email. Didn't show it to my dad, even (he has no email). My dad saw the pics when my aunt, who works at his office, printed them for him on Friday! THey dropped everything and drove 2 hours when I had that life-threatening infection in 2003, but I've been preparing myself for months to the fact they probably will only come see the baby when it fits with their schedule, no matter if it's their first grandchild. Might take days, a week, or more! And this is totally expected behavior in my family, this is normal.
So like my husband says, you keep getting cold showers after warm moments with them. He keeps telling me not to let my guard down, and that's what I did these past few months. I kept a safe emotional distance from them and I felt happy about it. Thing is, during the holidays we had this huge fight/discussion, totally hollywood-like drama, about how they wanted me to open up to them and be interested in them, and so on. At the same time, they told me they weren't interested in knowing about my knitting projects or the baby clothes I had bought; to them, it wasn't the important stuff. My father and his wife are very intelligent people, but emotionally handicapped. They just can't understand other people's point of view, and they pass very rigid judgements on everything. We really don't have the same values. You don't really discuss with them, you debate. And they always have the last word.
After the discussion we had with them during the holidays, DH and I and the rest of the family (my grandparents, aunt and uncle) came to the conclusion that it's us who have to adapt. Unfortunately, we can't ask them to change their attitude, because they simply are incapable of doing that. So, yes, the rest of the family has to answer their needs the best we can, without expecting them to give the same in return because a) they're inconsistent, b) they often don't understand where we come from and c) they're way too trapped in their own bubble, their own lives, values, priorities.
So since the holidays, I made a special effort to answer their needs during phone calls (they live 3 hours away). It worked. My father was happy, his wife too, we had good calls and spent much more time talking about them. On Sunday, my best friend took on herself to organize a shower for me. I invited my father's wife and my two sisters. The only date we could pick was my sister's b-day (April 4th). Given the relatively short notice, I fully expected my father's wife to wiggle her way out of it saying that she was working that weekend or had another trip planned or something. Well, not only did she reply to my friend's email right away, she said she wouldn't come because it was my sister's b-day. My sister, who will turn 20, and who could either jump on the occasion to celebrate it here (she doesn't really have friends) or to have a family dinner at a restaurant either the day before or the day after. Because that's all the celebrations will be; a dinner at a restaurant. So once again, my father's wife missed an occasion to make an effort and behave like she means it when she says she loves me like her daughter. She missed an occasion to show me she understands what a big deal a baby shower can be when you've been through everything we've been through.
I'm happy with myself because I didn't cry for this. This is a major improvement. But I'm angry with myself because she actually managed to take me by surprise once more. I didn't expect her to have the nerve to give THAT excuse. Oh, I could tell her that it's an important event for me, but even if she understood that, she would still manage to make it my fault: I could have picked another date.
I have trouble finding the right emotional place because I don't like that constant instability. I would like things to be clear, you know? I don't need her as a mother, for example, so I'd be perfectly happy if we just behaved like she's my father's wife and I'm his daughter and we get along but I don't have to behave like her daughter. It's hard, having the most significant part of your family being so unreliable. I would like to be more detached, but they're not letting me. They need me to waltz with them and it's hard for me to learn the steps. I'm not a grudgeful person, but I am very authentic and next time they call, I'll think about what just happened and it will make me angry and vulnerable. I won't be able to just do "as if" nothing happened, but that's exactly what they expect from me. And when she mentions that by the way she won't be able to come to my shower (and believe me, she'll make my two sis stay home too of course), I'll have to just smile and say that it's okay. That's what's expected from me. But that's now how I feel. So it asks me to be someone I'm not, to play a part. And I'm struggling with that.
I've already come to the conclusion that, if I want to keep my sanity and my energy through my interactions with them, I shouldn't make big deals out of their attitude and awkward moments like this. That, if I keep all my focus on all the beautiful things that are in my life right now, all this silly drama will seem unsignificant. That it will help me let go. But maybe you guys have other thoughts, other views that could help me with this?
Thanks for listening,
Sophiexxox
1st and 2nd IVF = BFN 1st FET BFP! m/c at 7 weeks. 2nd FET BFP! 3rd FET BFN
Now let's spend the rest of our lives having fun together!
Now let's spend the rest of our lives having fun together!
Hi Angel! Nice to see you!!!! Here are a few pics... Under the Tuscan Sun, Little Women, Dangerous Beauty...Angel505 wrote: I really really want to watch a chick flick movie. Any ideas anyone?
Angel, Miracle, thanks for your comments about the demos. I'm the redhead, Angel.
Of course, the photographer took lots of pics of DH and me, but for some reason she didn't send a demo. I asked her for one, but no luck so far... 
Our bellies are small because we're both very tall. My friend is 5'10'' and I'm 6' tall. And we both just gained the appropriate amount of weight, too, so it figures. So there we are... predicted that my best friend would deliver on a Friday, and so far I think I'll be RIGHT! Silly, silly girl... she keeps obsessing about her pubic hair during the delivery; she made an apt this afternoon to get a brazilian wax!!! BRAZILIAN girls! She wanted to go last Monday but I made her cancel; it hurts like hell and she is in complete bedrest, water could break at any time... and she'll go there and inflict herself that kind of pain, with the muscle contractions that come with it each time the beautician removes the bands? Oh come on... but she told me she moved her apt to this afternoon. So my guess? She'll break her water on the beautician's table, no less!
She says she's been feeling kind of electric shocks in her vagina with her braxton hicks, that's new... so I just feel we'll meet that little boy in no time! She'll be 37 weeks tomorrow, so it's a term delivery. 
I can't wait!Okay, gotta get me some breakfast...
Sophie xxox
1st and 2nd IVF = BFN 1st FET BFP! m/c at 7 weeks. 2nd FET BFP! 3rd FET BFN
Now let's spend the rest of our lives having fun together!
Now let's spend the rest of our lives having fun together!
Sophie,
I think you have a difficult situation. Relationships especially with family can be very complex, and there is usually years of history.
Just from your posts, it seems that your step mother is putting you second to her children. Your Dad may or may not be seeing this entirely clearly, because it may not be that obvious. If I were in your place, I would have a separate relationship with your Dad, and his wife. I know it sounds wierd, but once you get used to the concept its not. Have 1:1 conversations with your Dad. As for her, be dutiful as you have been and make coutresy calls. There are times when talking to the two together may be inevitable. I know its not the same thing but I have this type of relationship with my uncle and aunt. I'm close to my uncle but in my heart I do beleive he is greatly influenced by his wife. So when I have 1:1 conversations with him, its lovely. When she is there I find a difference in him - subtle one, but there nonetheless. So I have a cordial enough relationship with her, but a separate one with my uncle. I don't make it too obvious but usually will call when I know she won't be there.
As for your shower, is it possible to ask your sisters and mum to come down and then you will have a cake for your sister's birthday there too. Depending on the time of the shower, you could have a separate family birthday celebration either before or after the shower. So say your shower is at 4.00 p.m, then you could ask them all to come over for lunch (birthday lunch), then they join in with your celebration.
I think the important thing first is to ask yourself how important this relationship is to you, and how much control you have over it. One thing thats helped me get over the grief of miscarriage the acceptance of what has happened. My Dad has always had this principle in life, work damn hard for what you want, but let the results be. The only time we would regret is if we have not made enough effort on our parts.
It takes a while, but you have to learn to clear some people from your mind completely.
I'm not sure if I said anything helpful, but its really difficult when its your own parents as you don't want to shut them from your lives completely. You just have to make sure that you don't let them take you on emotional highs and lows.
I'm sure you'll do some deep thinking and come up with a solution.
I think you have a difficult situation. Relationships especially with family can be very complex, and there is usually years of history.
Just from your posts, it seems that your step mother is putting you second to her children. Your Dad may or may not be seeing this entirely clearly, because it may not be that obvious. If I were in your place, I would have a separate relationship with your Dad, and his wife. I know it sounds wierd, but once you get used to the concept its not. Have 1:1 conversations with your Dad. As for her, be dutiful as you have been and make coutresy calls. There are times when talking to the two together may be inevitable. I know its not the same thing but I have this type of relationship with my uncle and aunt. I'm close to my uncle but in my heart I do beleive he is greatly influenced by his wife. So when I have 1:1 conversations with him, its lovely. When she is there I find a difference in him - subtle one, but there nonetheless. So I have a cordial enough relationship with her, but a separate one with my uncle. I don't make it too obvious but usually will call when I know she won't be there.
As for your shower, is it possible to ask your sisters and mum to come down and then you will have a cake for your sister's birthday there too. Depending on the time of the shower, you could have a separate family birthday celebration either before or after the shower. So say your shower is at 4.00 p.m, then you could ask them all to come over for lunch (birthday lunch), then they join in with your celebration.
I think the important thing first is to ask yourself how important this relationship is to you, and how much control you have over it. One thing thats helped me get over the grief of miscarriage the acceptance of what has happened. My Dad has always had this principle in life, work damn hard for what you want, but let the results be. The only time we would regret is if we have not made enough effort on our parts.
It takes a while, but you have to learn to clear some people from your mind completely.
I'm not sure if I said anything helpful, but its really difficult when its your own parents as you don't want to shut them from your lives completely. You just have to make sure that you don't let them take you on emotional highs and lows.
I'm sure you'll do some deep thinking and come up with a solution.
oooooooooooooooooooh my God, OH MY GOD!
teeeeeeeeeeeeeheheheheeeeeeeeeeee squeeeeeeeeeeee! Didn't I predict this? HA!
My best friend just called! I thought it was THE call, but it kinda was only. Last night she had more braxton hicks and in the early morning she had painful contractions, irregular, for about 30 minutes. They went away, but this was the real thing, no mistake there. She has her beautician apt at 11am after all, and she'll go. But she'll ask for a bikini wax instead, and ask the beautician to shave the rest. She took a shower this morning and really said her hair was out of control. Geez.
So she's calling me to the rescue because her family is getting a bit out of control, worrying, telling her what she should do (geez, leave her alone, the baby is read and it's her body darn it!). Her sister is there right now, but she'll leave in a few hours and DH is at work. She'll need to get to the hospital ASAP if she has regular contractions. So I've left a message to my DH so he can drive back home, give me the car, and I'll drive to my friends' in early afternoon and spend time with her until DH comes back from work...
...that is, if my friend doesn't break her water on the beautician's table, LOL!
Oooooh I can't wait to see how this turns out! squeeeee!
I'll keep you posted ladies!
Sophie xxox
teeeeeeeeeeeeeheheheheeeeeeeeeeee squeeeeeeeeeeee! Didn't I predict this? HA!
My best friend just called! I thought it was THE call, but it kinda was only. Last night she had more braxton hicks and in the early morning she had painful contractions, irregular, for about 30 minutes. They went away, but this was the real thing, no mistake there. She has her beautician apt at 11am after all, and she'll go. But she'll ask for a bikini wax instead, and ask the beautician to shave the rest. She took a shower this morning and really said her hair was out of control. Geez.
So she's calling me to the rescue because her family is getting a bit out of control, worrying, telling her what she should do (geez, leave her alone, the baby is read and it's her body darn it!). Her sister is there right now, but she'll leave in a few hours and DH is at work. She'll need to get to the hospital ASAP if she has regular contractions. So I've left a message to my DH so he can drive back home, give me the car, and I'll drive to my friends' in early afternoon and spend time with her until DH comes back from work...
...that is, if my friend doesn't break her water on the beautician's table, LOL!
Oooooh I can't wait to see how this turns out! squeeeee!
I'll keep you posted ladies!
Sophie xxox
1st and 2nd IVF = BFN 1st FET BFP! m/c at 7 weeks. 2nd FET BFP! 3rd FET BFN
Now let's spend the rest of our lives having fun together!
Now let's spend the rest of our lives having fun together!
HI Angel,
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and reply. It was very thoughtful of you and it was a very interesting read.
Actually, I like your idea and I see what you mean. It's true that my relationship with my father is not the same as my relationship with his wife. Most of the time, I speak with him alone on the phone because she's either busy or not there. And there's no expectation on their part that I should communicate with her directly, which is good. When they're both on the phone, actually, things are more friendly and last time it happened we had fun. When DH is on the phone also, things are a lot easier too.
So you think that I should talk to them, take a chance and offer that we celebrate my sis' b-day here. I think I could do that, especially with that new view of our relationship in mind.
As for acceptance, you're absolutely right. What I came to terms with, during the Holidays, and what I grieved, was the relationship I'll never have with them. However, what makes it especially tricky is, like you said, the fact that it's my father and his wife, people who are closely related to me, and also the fact that sometimes they're wonderful (warm moments), and unexpectedly they'll be completely inappropriate (cold showers). It would be much easier if they were only one way or the other; that way I would know what to accept!
Okay sweetie, gotta get prepared before DH arrives! Not sure I'll be able to eat lunch, I'm so excited! Thanks again for your wise advice, you can be sure I'll put it in my pocket and think about it. I'm sure my friend and I will also talk about it this afternoon; she'll want to check how I'm feeling about that today (she's the one who told me the news).
Kissies,
Sophie xxox
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and reply. It was very thoughtful of you and it was a very interesting read.
Actually, I like your idea and I see what you mean. It's true that my relationship with my father is not the same as my relationship with his wife. Most of the time, I speak with him alone on the phone because she's either busy or not there. And there's no expectation on their part that I should communicate with her directly, which is good. When they're both on the phone, actually, things are more friendly and last time it happened we had fun. When DH is on the phone also, things are a lot easier too.
So you think that I should talk to them, take a chance and offer that we celebrate my sis' b-day here. I think I could do that, especially with that new view of our relationship in mind.
As for acceptance, you're absolutely right. What I came to terms with, during the Holidays, and what I grieved, was the relationship I'll never have with them. However, what makes it especially tricky is, like you said, the fact that it's my father and his wife, people who are closely related to me, and also the fact that sometimes they're wonderful (warm moments), and unexpectedly they'll be completely inappropriate (cold showers). It would be much easier if they were only one way or the other; that way I would know what to accept!
Okay sweetie, gotta get prepared before DH arrives! Not sure I'll be able to eat lunch, I'm so excited!
Thanks again for your wise advice, you can be sure I'll put it in my pocket and think about it. I'm sure my friend and I will also talk about it this afternoon; she'll want to check how I'm feeling about that today (she's the one who told me the news).Kissies,
Sophie xxox
1st and 2nd IVF = BFN 1st FET BFP! m/c at 7 weeks. 2nd FET BFP! 3rd FET BFN
Now let's spend the rest of our lives having fun together!
Now let's spend the rest of our lives having fun together!