DONOR EGG Tmt Thread... " Egg-heads"

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gigi
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Post by gigi »

Ladies:

Big question for you all: Who is disclosing ED to child and family and friends and who isn't?

I just had my psychological and totally changed my mind. I was set on keeping it confidential since I have 2 other kiddies but research has changed my mind. My only issue with disclosing to the child is what happens when the child wants more info about the donor (egg lady is what I am calling her) and they can't get it because it was an annonymous donor. They were suppose to have had this psych meeting with us before we got this far but someone slipped up and forgot to schedule it in for us. So now I am totally stressed thinking we should have selected an open donor.

The research shows that disclosing to the child between ages 4 and 6 is important for the child and how confident the child becomes with it so that is what we are going to do now.

So question for you ladies is 1) Are you disclosing to your child at some point? 2) IF so, when are you informing family and friends?

I have been up at night thinking about this very important Egg Donor issue and hope you all can give me some feedback. I love the idea of making it open but am concerned with our laws in this country protecting the donor's identity and how this will affect children of ED's.
gigi
me 42dh 40
1st ivf july:bfp 8/7/06: dd born 6/07
miscarried natural pregnancy 6/08
next ivf 9/08; bfn
miscarried natural pregnancy 3/09
ED 8/09 (last attempt)
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summerbaby
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Post by summerbaby »

stef - congratulations on your BFP! Looking forward to hearing your beta number!

Hopeful - good luck with your scan on Monday!

gigi - just curious about what research you've been reading and what was it that made you change your mind. You mentioned about telling the child between the ages of 4 & 6 - but didn't give any details about why this is good. I'm asking because we are pretty set on not saying anything about DE. Our donor is also anonymous. She isn't allowed to know our identity and neither we, nor is our child, allowed to find out hers.

I also saw a very interesting program about a woman whose mother and father used an anonymous sperm donor to get pregnant and had told her daughter. The daughter then could never seem to accept her mother's husband as her real father, although he raised her as his own. This woman has spent her life trying to find out the identity of her "real" father, the sperm donor. She now has children of her own and constantly reminds her children that they have a grandfather that they will likely never meet.
I would guess that her story might be on the extreme side, but it was really jarring to me to see how disturbing it could be to share this information with the child.

Take good care everyone,
xx summer
me:45, dh:51
3 IVFs - all BFN // 1 DE-FET - BFP!
Anna born October 7th 2009!
chriss
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Post by chriss »

Congratulations evergreen!!!

Gigi & Summer...

Over time I've read quite a few books about DE that I got from Amazon.com They all seem to be pro telling the child and starting early on. They suggest doing it developmentally, in stages over time. There are all sorts of suggested guidelines. Summer, they suggest that when/if children find out later in life, that is when problems can come about becasue they feel betrayed, etc. But telling them early seems to help with self esteem, etc. Check out some of the books. I fould it to be so interesting. Now when it comes to telling family and friends, they kind of leave it up to your decision... they don't seem to promote either way. They do talk about the difference between secrecy and privacy. Some people are very open about it to family & friends and others feel that they want to protect the child and want the child to know first. So it becomes a private family matter. They say that talking about it over time helps children comprehend it and accept it, etc. Ultimately none of the books say you must do it this way or that, but I felt a real slant toward telling the child. After much discussion with my DH and therapist over this, we have decided that we will tell our children beginning simply when they are young and adding information developmentally appropriate over time. Starting with maybe something like..."We went to a specail doctor and got help to have you" and progress from there. I agree that this is a tough one. As far as friends and family, as of now we feel that it's not important to share the information with them and besides, we want our children to hear it from us first. The only only one who knows is my sister as she has traveled with me through my years of heartache and was one of the encouragin factors in getting me to consider using a donor. I trust her completely.

I respect each person's right to decide whatever is best for him/her. I only state what I feel is right for myself. I can understand why people wish not to tell at all. Like I said, this is a tough one.

Love to hear your ideas as well.

PS My donor is anonymous and I still plan to tell my children. They will have limited information about the wonderful woman who "helped mommy and daddy" and that will be enough because I am their mother and they will know that. (That's my plan)
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Hopeful in SD
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Post by Hopeful in SD »

Hi Ladies,

Hope you are all having/had a good weekend.

As for my DH and I, we are not telling anyone that we used a donor. I think I posted it earlier on this board that one of the things we've learned going this process is that very few people keep secrets well, be it family or friends. Thus, when it came to making this decision we decided we would keep it to ourselves. We asked to have the donor process be anonymous, as well. Aside from people not keeping secrets well, I want our child(ren) to be accepted unconditionally. My cousin adopted her daughter and every now and then I'll hear family members refer to her as so and so's adopted daughter. Thus, we decided to keep it a secret and some day we may decide to tell our child(ren) but as of right now, we aren't going to.

I agree with Chriss, this is personal choice and I respect whatever each person feels is the correct choice for them.

On a completely different note, I'm very nervous about the u/s tomorrow. I am happy to report that I have not had any bleeding/spotting since Friday and today am starting to feel that somewhat quiesy feeling.
3 IUI, 3IVF
chriss
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Post by chriss »

Hopeful,
Good luck tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you.

BTW... I hear you about not wanting people to treat your child any differently. That's one of my major concerns and a big reason why we are not telling friends/family.

XOXO
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gigi
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Post by gigi »

Hi Ladies;

In regard to telling or not, I went to www.donor-conception-network.org and downloaded the info on "talking and telling." Yes, if you tell, your child should be told from birth onward. I plan to tell mine that an "egg lady" helped make him/her. I also plan to tell everyone because I figure it will get out once my other kids know. I will always refer to the ED as the "wonderful egg lady" who helped mommy and daddy make him/her.

I do think others will think differently at first but that will change after a while since biologically the child will be connected with my husband's genes and the child will have traits of him and his/her siblings because of it. It's tough because people will talk at first but feel once it is not treated as a big deal, the issue will get smaller and smaller.

If you tell, it must be from the get go with your child. It's the parents who disclose later in life because of a medical issue or parents separating, etc or they "can't handle the secret" anymore, that usually cause distress to the child emotionally. If the child knows from the beginning then it doesn't become "an issue." It's all they know and they know that mommy and daddy are a real parents.

Tough decision for me too. I never planned to tell until our psychologist the clinic said that this is where all the research is pointing for positive outcomes. It seems that the children of ED are totally connected with their true parents and really feel respected for being told.

Using ED is nothing to be ashamed of...and we know this. I feel like people will be shocked and not understand it at first but this is a job I have to take on for now. For me I was really stressing with keeping a "secret," but for my husband keeping a secret was not an issue at all. That's why it has to be totally up to each couple to decide what is best for them.

I ordered this book, "Experiences of Donor Conception: Parents, Offspring and Donors through the Years" Lorbach.

Again, it's totally up to you but wanted to share what I found out from searching and hearing from our counselor. Also, check out Zannah's story at the donor conception network too. Wow, that was awesome.
gigi
me 42dh 40
1st ivf july:bfp 8/7/06: dd born 6/07
miscarried natural pregnancy 6/08
next ivf 9/08; bfn
miscarried natural pregnancy 3/09
ED 8/09 (last attempt)
sabi
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Post by sabi »

Hi ladies,
wow, I'm coming back to some heavy stuff- stuff that I was actually dealing with last night. such a delicate subject. Zannah's story is amazing & I will be ordering the books from amazon.com - thanks chris. dh & I are going to purchase as many books as we can so we can be up on this.

Yes, I'm in the telling camp. Remember, we put ourselves in this situation because we needed the financial & "egg" support from our family. Ending turned out perfect w/the anonymous donor but until then I went thru hell with my first donor(sister). Long story & who wants to dwell on the past.

I hate to lie right now- I'm getting questions on IVF & my sister can't believe we did it on our own. So there is speculation but I want to tell my children first. I will do anything to protect them. Sometimes I think I'm making a bigger deal of it really. My psych said that if my sister blabbed about the town- re: egg donor most people would be like "oh" but to busy wrapped up in their own life to really care.

Honesty to me is the best policy. I wear my heart on my sleeve so this one is hard for me. I have pictures & bio on my donor & she lives local. Currently there are no laws protecting anyone is this donor recipient relationship. We have signed contracts. you never know what the future could hold. Could end up being fairly easy finding the donor or her finding us someday. Life is short. I believe you must do what is in the best interest of the child- you don't want to grow to regret any decisions you have made - either way.

I have some info from the psych I need to dig up & share with you. I'm glad we are discussing this hot topic- thanks you for all your insight & sharing your innermost thoughts.

I'll touch base later. Have a great day!!

Sabixxoo
Me: 44, DH:42
First IVF cycle BFP!
Twins! Due March 8, 2010
Hopeful in SD
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Post by Hopeful in SD »

Just a quick hello to let you all know the trend has continued ... TWINS it is! We had our first u/s today at 5 weeks 3 days and they were looking for the sac and yolk, both of which we saw for both. Yippeeeee!!!

:lol: :lol: :lol:
3 IUI, 3IVF
JDC
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Post by JDC »

Hi everyone.....I really have been mia! Life has been crazy lately, especially this past week - my sister was here and we went through her stim phase which was a total rollercoaster. First she flew up and forgot one of the meds (not stims). So the whole process of dealing with that and then we had a huge fight! I felt so terrible, but of course we resolved that immediately. Then she was a very low responder (like me). Ultimately we did retrieve 5 eggs and currently have 4 embies growing in the lab! Transfer is tomorrow.

Chris - thanks for asking about me! I was following your progress as well, but have really stayed away from the boards for the most part. I guess somehow I'm preparing to end this whole process whether it is with a bfp or not. Hope all is well with you!

Carolyn and Hopeful - congrats on the twins!!!!
me 38 dh 36
mc twins 20wks 2000, ectopic 4/2005
1st ivf May 2008 cancelled before ET
2nd ivf/icsi BFP, mc, D&C 9/8/08
3rd ivf/icsi, BFP, mc, D&C 1/5/09
4th ivf DE, BFP!
JDC
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Post by JDC »

Hi everyone.....I really have been mia! Life has been crazy lately, especially this past week - my sister was here and we went through her stim phase which was a total rollercoaster. First she flew up and forgot one of the meds (not stims). So the whole process of dealing with that and then we had a huge fight! I felt so terrible, but of course we resolved that immediately. Then she was a very low responder (like me). Ultimately we did retrieve 5 eggs and currently have 4 embies growing in the lab! Transfer is tomorrow.

Chris - thanks for asking about me! I was following your progress as well, but have really stayed away from the boards for the most part. I guess somehow I'm preparing to end this whole process whether it is with a bfp or not. Hope all is well with you!

Carolyn and Hopeful - congrats on the twins!!!!
me 38 dh 36
mc twins 20wks 2000, ectopic 4/2005
1st ivf May 2008 cancelled before ET
2nd ivf/icsi BFP, mc, D&C 9/8/08
3rd ivf/icsi, BFP, mc, D&C 1/5/09
4th ivf DE, BFP!
kellym
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Post by kellym »

Stef, congrats on the BFP!! That is fantastic. Can't wait to hear what your beta is!

Hopeful - wonderful news that we have another twin mommy! I love it! So many cyber twin friends for Evan and Audrey!

Chris, Sabi, Summer, Carolyn - hope you are all feeling well and that those little ones aren't causing you too many challenges. Summer, my little guy was kicking me up under the ribs at your stage. Chris, Carolyn, how is nausea... do you have much?

JDC, looking forward to hearing your embie report. Good luck on your transfer tomorrow. How many are you going to transfer?

Gigi - hope you are well too.

We had a fantastic weekend in Ottawa. the twins were awesome and it was fun seeing some university friends and playing tourist in my DH's 'hometown'.

As far as the telling the kids, we've decided not to tell. Like everyone else, it is a personal decision and i respect everyone's choice but for us that is the choice that we feel comfortable with. I've seen some specials on the sperm donor issue (not as much on the egg donor issue) and it seemed in most of the cases presented, the children came from a single parents family where the mom wanted to have children but didn't have a 'dad' to have one with. So they resorted to sperm donation. It seemed in those cases that the child was longing for the parent that they never had and that is what caused them the most significant issues - rather than it being about donor sperm. I am sure there is research in favour of it in dual parent families, but for us we were worried of the stigma that might follow the child. As much as the whole egg donor thing is 'normal' in our world, it isn't in everyone's world and that concerned us.

It is good to read the views of everyone because we definitely have some for it and against it - a good balanced debate!!

Hope eveyone is well - especially all of our pregnant mommies (which we seem to have a lot of)!!!!

Kelly
7 IVF cycles - 2 chemicals, 5 BFN
1 FET cycle - BFN
9th IVF cycle - BFP!! Twins born Sept 18/08
Trying again May 2010!!!
to_have_fun08
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Post by to_have_fun08 »

JDC - Glad to see you have 4 embies growing. Sending tons and tons of good luck. When considering DE my sister also said she would donate. The problem is that is 38 yrs old so don't think we would get the best results even though she just had a child. It really sucks that I can't use her. I would be doing DE pretty soon if I could. Hoping and praying that this is the cycle for you.


Chris
Chris 40- DH 41
6 IVFs Cycles - BFN's
DE Cycle 2/2011 -BFP Jacob born 11/11/11

FET 7/2012 - BFP - Kaylee due 4/3/13

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gigi
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Post by gigi »

I called our clinical psychologist today with all of the cons from this site. She is getting me "research based stats" regarding this issue. I'm so confused. I wish we would have seen her prior to the actual match but what is done is done. I'm very much like Sabi and wear my heart on my sleeve. I do not have any secrets and hope that disclosing only brings us positive results. I feel that having "2" loving parents raise this child will warrent wonderful results with "telling." But as a counselor I know how Kids can be Kids and some of them retaliate with biological parents in very manipulative and cruels means. Preparing myself for what may come. thanks for responding. Still confused but going in the telling direction.

So I am praying continuously on God to lead us to what is right for our family. I only embrace having a child with an ED but know we are set up for challenges by telling or not telling. I know God will give us strength to deal with any issues that occur. Such great women on this board! I am confident that all of our future children conceived with ED will only receive loads of love and develop strong self confidence as a result of it. Peace.
gigi
me 42dh 40
1st ivf july:bfp 8/7/06: dd born 6/07
miscarried natural pregnancy 6/08
next ivf 9/08; bfn
miscarried natural pregnancy 3/09
ED 8/09 (last attempt)
evergreen, co
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Post by evergreen, co »

Congrats Hopeful, I am very happy for you and cannot believe the twins that seem to run in this family!!

JDC, sorry to hear that you had a hard week, but glad to see you have 4 embies. Good luck at ET.

As far as telling & no telling; we are in the no tell camp. We didn't tell anyone about doing IVF this cycle, but a few very close friends and a few family members know (I told them; DH was not happy about it) we did it before and will obviously suspect. We have not told anyone about DE and do not plan to. My 2 children 14 & 20 are going to have a hard enough time accepting this new sibling as a half; I think it would be very difficult for them to accept the child knowing it has no genetic connection to me our them. My DH is also Christian Science and doesn't really believe in medical science, only out of his love for me and desire to have a child was IVF even considered. DH is also a very private person, he doesn't like anyone knowing anything going on in our lives. We reached a compromise with all of this and it is important to him for no one to know.

I take my first beta tomorrow; I will be 11dp3dt and have tested positve for the last 3 days.
Clemo
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Location: Australia

Post by Clemo »

Hi Everyone :) ,

I was wondering if I could join your group as my dh and I are starting the DE journey using my cousins eggs.

My cousin and I are going to see my FS on Thursday to start the ball rolling. I've booked our counselling and nurse sessions in, so just waiting for time to go by now.

We are going to Phuket for a well needed holiday in 6 wks, then we will hopefully do our 1st cycle.

Look forward to getting to know you all. It's great to see so many success stories.

Clemo
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