I am so touched!

[Dagny]

A big thankyou from me too

I am just so pleased that there is a place where we can talk about all related aspects of losing a baby and hopefully help others too.

Hey Tracey

How are you today? I am not too bad although I am usually worse when I get back from the graveyard. We are off to Chichester tonight for the weekend in the flat so it will be nice to get away for a few days.

I am off to get my haircut now for the first time since June last year! I won't bother with the highlights as it is in such bad condition, dry and horried from when I was so dehydrated at the beginning of thr pregnancy, now it is falling out even more, big time.

Thanks for the Nikola update. It will be nice when she can come back on to the boards. I bet she is getting withdrawal symptoms

Take care - give your babies a big pat from me, oh and Gabbie too.

Love Dagny xkx

[Tracey S]

Hi Dagny

You ok I hope honey?! I am ok thanks - the big 20 wks today and still flapping - you know me - I will be telling you off when you do the same and knowing your fighting spirit and with me and all else to hold your hand you and David will get there and KAtelyn will smile down and help you through it.

I had an email off nikola and one to give to you all but in my personal one she said how touched she was to get your letter and told me all her hopes and worries for you now and in the future - I did not want to mention it on the main posts from her and then noticed you had got a letter from her. I feel guilty too as not sent her anything yet and not been to visit as she is so far away and I am knackered and panicking about these two - will make it up to her - goodness knows when she will have time to post with the twins!

She is very fond of you and misses you and worries I know. As for you and DAvid and Chichester try and make it a special time - I know that going away is fine it is the coming back that is hard as nothing has moved on there. But it is you and David that need to and are I know moving on bit by bit. Katelyn will go to Chichester with you just as she will always be with you wherever you are. Just think we will never lose our babies again will we. Try and have a lovely time - Rabbit free and I will be here when you get back as usual. You are both welcome here any time you know that if you want to relax in a mad place - well with mad people - actually it is just me who is mad! Gabbie sends a lick back and a small bite - she forgets she has big teeth now and a bark to those pesky rabbits. I send you both a big hug - especially you of course and the twins send you lots of love and luck for the future. Oliver and Katelyn I am sure are just fine doing goodness know what - OK

Have some special time together
Love
Tracey
xxx

[Dagny]

Hello there my good buddy

I am OK I think!

David and I had a lovely relaxing time in Chichester but like you said it's the coming back home and seeing that nothing has changed is the hardest thing. I had a bit of a 'moment' in Sainsburys on Saturday. We were getting a few essentials like bread and milk and went passed the childrens clothes and there was a gorgeous babies dress and I just picked it up and burst into tears. David was so sweet and just held me God knows what everyone else was thinking. My make up was all down my face and I must have looked awful but I didn't care. I was so upset and the dress was lovely. I could just picture Katelyn in it in the summer. I got all angry and wanted to scream but managed to restrain myself. Katelyn is always with us in our hearts and will go everywhere with us but I still take her photo with us and put it up in the flat along with a little candle.

Wow, 20 weeks! I know you like to flap and so do I in a big way but you have got there and I am sure it is OK. I am so there in mind and spirit on Thursday. I shall be waitin with baited breath until I hear from you. Actually I might text you so you get my number and then you can text me with the news that it is all OK.

It was lovely to get a letter from Nikola. She is so sweet. I am praying for her and those lovely babies. I can't wait to find out what she is having. I will have to get something nice and luxurious to send her.

It would be great to come and see you and Ian one day. We are all mad then!!!???

I am watching Heartbeat and it is not the best story line for me at the moment. I am crying now as I know what is going through Gina's mind and I am feeling her pain even though she is only acting but we are not actors and can understand there are loads of others out there knowing what it is like.

Lots of love and licks for Gabbie !

Dagny xkx

[Tracey S]

DAgny

poor you - I had a tesco moment after Oliver and did exactly the same thing - a lady came up to me to check I was ok and she said she had lost her little girl at 33 weeks - just stopped breathing - it's amazing how many of us there are!

I am sure one day you will have a baby to dress up - boy or girl does not matter does it? and then KAtelyn will have a brother or sister or twins?

Talking of twins - Nikola sent me an email on Friday when I posted for her to say her DH had seen a close scan and swears one is a girl becasue he could not find a todger!!! I did laugh and posted back that everything is small - I am hard pushed to find a head! let alone a todger! I reckon it is one of each but can't wait to find out!
Text away honey - I will let you know - trying to track down my midwife to see if she will check heartbeats as yesterday and today all very quiet in there - yikes - flapping again
Catch you later
Love
Tracey
xxx

[Dagny]

Hiya Tracey

I was in such a mood not being able to log on all day yesterday. I did manage for a bit later in the evening but then it went again and I was really fed up. On the positive side David did come home last night as he finished the job he was doing and then a new worry crept in as he had to drive home 3\and a half hours after a bloody long day. He left home at 5am and eventually got home at 10pm. I was so relieved to see him. I wish he would get jobs nearer to home. he is in Milton Keynes today so another early start!!!

I had some flowers delivered while I was out yesterday at Katelyn's grave and they took them to next door (the ones with the new born baby girl!) so I had to go and get them. She invited me in and the baby woke up It was sooooo flipping hard. She asked me if I wanted to hold her and I did I suppose it is good therapy but I found the whole process very difficult. If things had been different our 'girls' would have been friends and grown up together. I am so angry.

My neighbour then told me that her partner has been seeing a woman from work. She found out 2 weeks before the baby was born. They have a 3 year old as well. Why can some people take having a family for granted? Some of us would give everything to be a family and look after our children and people like him next door just mess about. He left last night and I have just been there for coffee. She is really upset. I held the baby again and didn't cry. Is that progress or will it hit me later??

Gosh, I wonder if you are right about Nikola's twins. I think she may be having one of each too. You can tell if it's a girl by looking for two white dots which are the ovaries!

Todger - I ask you, what is her DH like? When is the earliest she can have them?

Scan day is ever coming closer You will find out if they are deffo both girls then won't you? Oooooooo how exciting! Fingers crossed honey. I am sure they are having a bit of a quiet few days so they can have a dance about for the scan

Loads of love Dagny xkx

[Tracey S]

DAgny

I am so proud for you - well done!!! You are doing very well but still give yourself a hard time!!! I did not hold a baby for much longer after Oliver died than that - no I don't think it will hit you later - good therapy. My friend who lost her little girl at 32 weeks with the cord round the neck (just got back from hers after a cup of tea -she is 44 not ivf but has lost 5 already and this was the furthest she got) she holds babies and finds it good therapy - sometimes she has a cry. She is trying again but each month so hard and her age..........
As for couples and men and people taking it for granted - don't even let me start or I will be here or year!!!
Sods aren't they and what we go through!!!

Great DAvid came back bless him - Dagny I was like that with Ian - I panicked when he and still do drives down to Slough for 3.5 hours in the morning - I just don't want to lose him too if that makes sense - course it does to you. I became quite silly about it - better now. Then I watched William and MAry and then something else - oh the Inspector Linley mysteries and they both lost babies - one car crash - and the other was heartbeat not W and M - dreadful so now decided I am not using the car much!!! Honestly!

As for Nik she just texted me and her fundus is 40cm - grown again - she is huge - they reckon 3 weeks as she is so big!! They will be fine I am sure - she sends her love. Is ordering clothes from NExt as we speak
Take care
Love
tracey
xxx

[Dagny]

Hi Tracey

How are you today? Sophie has been very quiet hasn't she?

I feel so much for your friend. To lose a baby is absolute torture but to lose 5 is just awful. How she has coped I will never know. She has my upmost respect and admiration to keep going. I suppose I wouldn't or couldn't give up either. I am so impatient and I just want to get going again. I read all the posts on the General forum (and you do too, being we are v. nosey ) and I just want to be injecting or on my 2ww even though it fills me with dread I will be closer to knowing one way or another. I just wish we had a chance doing it the fun way too and get that miracle surprise pregnancy but as I don't have any tubes it is totally impossible. It's all so pants!!!!!!!

He's still not back next door - the two timing ba$t@rd

I always get in a flap when David has to drive anywhere even if it's to the supermarket. I have to tell him to drive carefully and if I do forget I text him and then I panic thinking he could crash whilst reading my text message I am absolutely paranoid. If I lost him -that would be IT, game over. I couldn't live without him.

I received a copy of the referral letter from my consultant paed to my fertility consultant (Mr B) yesterday, stating he thinks I am fine to get back on the IVF programme again. We see Mr B on the 16th April so I hope we can get the ball rolling once my AF's have sorted themselves out. I think I need to have at least 3 before they'll let me go again.

I did watch Heartbeat I wish I hadn't.

Oh goodness, Nikola, 3 weeks . 40 cm fundus . Do Next do clothes to fit a fundus of that size??????? Send her my love and hugs when you next speak to her.

I am still without my car and beginning to feel trapped. I need it back but the prognosis on it doesn't look good. When I break something I do it in a big way and now it will take longer to fix The back wheels are totally seized up which has something to do with the brakes. Ho hum.

I bet you are flapping about tomorrow. Are they more active today?

Lots of love Dagny xkx

[Tracey S]

Dagny

Sorry I have been quiet today - went shopping to tesco and what a marathon, took gabbie out for 2 walks!!!!!!!! Had tea with two friends and worked and set up 5 interviews for next week - fingers crossed and my midwife came round.
She had a mare with the heartbeats but wait for it - I wasnt too panicky for some reason! She measure me first and 26/27cm!!!!!!!! So she said growth is excellent - she then felt for the twins - got twin one on the left and said this is the spine I can feel - I was like wow - so we knew twin one had its back to us ( I say it as they are not so sure on sex of this one)
She did get a heartbeat but quiet and not as loud as she would like mainly becasue it was wriggling all over the shop and the presentation is wrong with the back to us. Twin 2 was nightmare - doing rolly polies and all sorts - she would not stay still - Roseanne eventually got another quiet one as again back to me - know wonder my ribs hurt - they move out that way - this one is breech too so on my bladder and low down! She did not seem at all concerned - said growth is far more important and I am growing!!!
Let's hope all ok tomorrow - you know more than anyone...........
Nikola and her fundus hey - what a huge one - NExt??? I suggested army and surplus tents used on army camp but all I got was an F off.

Yep you need 3 af's but they do count the first one - ie the one when you lost Katelyn (that is if they feel mentally you are up to it - otherwise they don';t count it!) I understand why you are impatient - I was a nightmare and felt time ticking away - it's not as if we can just go and have sex is it - we have to rely on them doing it all for us - well we can have sex but not in the reproducing kind - off I go again!
Don;t worry about worrying about David - I did the same with Ian and still do - just a bit better now but I kept thinking what if I lose him too - perhaps somone has it in for me! It' s natural.

What a git next door - I suppose it does not help to say she is better off without him!

Take care my special friend - wonder where Sophie is - probably has something called a life. Thinking of you.......
Love
Tracey
xxx

[Dagny]

Hi Tracey

I noticed you are on line at the mo. I have just got back from Asda, my friend had to take me as my car is still not back. We popped in to see Katelyn on the way back and there was a rabbit staring at me, dead still with a look on it's face saying 'up yours'. It was a baby one and I am sure I saw some of Katelyn's flowers between it's big goofy front teeth!!! My day will come and woe betide those pesky buggers - I am biding my time.

You have been very busy today. Make the most of it as when your bump gets too big you will be wondering how to get to the kitchen let alone taking Gabbie for a romp or two!

I am so glad your midwife got the heart beats. It will keep you a bit calmer for when tomorrow comes. It is nearly here - what time exactly is your scan?

I didn't realise that they count the first AF from the birth. That is good news. I am deffo OK to go again up in my head. I am chomping at the bit. My biological clock is ticking so loudly it keeps me up at night well that and David's snoring! I do wonder what the point in having sex is when all I want is a baby and can't get one the fun way so I just think sod it. Poor David he is very understanding but there will come a point............................... you know, when needs out weigh the thoughts

My neighbour is better off without him but it's the kids I feel sorry for the most. They don't understand that their Dad is a waste of space even though we do.

I wonder if any one else will post over here?? I was thinking about Caroline with Amy today and was wondering how she was doing. I hope she is OK.

Take care my pal,

Love Dagny xkx

[Tracey S]

Dagny

Just missed you - sorry! RE the sex bit I did smile - put it this way at least you can or we can seperate the two and enjoy sex and it is not just to get a baby. My friend who is 44 and I told you about it getting her hubby to perform after each ovulation test she does so it just becomes a chore to him and no longer something to enjoy. At least when we have sex (not you and me - with our DH's) then it is because we want to- that make sense - at least that's what I think.
You are right about your friend - best off without him

RE the AF's - rules change to suit people - my specialist (not IVF) told me that you need 6 weeks ideally for the body to sort itself but 3 months is better
Go for it girl - you can do it.
I was thinking of Caroline too - you know exactly how she feels!
Darn Rabbits - we will hve to think of a plan! Wonder what Katelyn thinks - probably her and Oliver reckon it is a right old game. DO you think they have harps or bows and arrows?

Love
Tracey
xxx

[Dagny]

Hi there Tracey

I have just left a message on your other thread about your scan. I am over the moon for you and DH What a relief and now it's spend, spend, spend!!! How lovely that the Dr wants to use your scan photos as an example and put them on the walls. Super Will you be able to have one too to put in their nursery??

I am not doing to good today. I feel really down and negative. I am seeing my councellor this afternoon but I feel like screaming and tearing my hair out at the moment. I am up and down like a bouncing ball. My emotions are all over the place and I just want to curl up and die. I hope it passes soon. I read in a magazine about a baby being born at 22 weeks and having a heart op and she survived and I am now wondering if we shouldn't have demanded that they try to save Katelyn. I know all circumstances are different and they did what they did at the time of her birth but I wish we had done things different. A) I wouldn't have had the amnio and B) I wish they had tried to keep her alive. I expect I will find something to beat myself up over whatever we had done. She should be here with me now not in the ground.

Sorry for being a grouch, I just need to have a moan and get it out.

Your news has cheered me up which is something at least. I really am so happy for you.

Love Dagny xkx

[sophie_rashid]

dagny,tracey , how are you both, just been reading the posts , i normally tend to login when i am working which is 3 days a week from home at moment otherwise i get too obssessive looking at various websites and get paranoid about everything , i had my antenatal appt yesterday , i was okay until i went in to see the consultant , he asked me how i was and i just started crying and said i was worried , which he said was natural becuase of what happened , there wasnt really much for them to check as my diabetes has not kicked in , they said they wld do a quick scan each time i went in to check the heartbeats which they did . I am taking metformin at moment for potential diabetes( bit worried ) but consultant says no effects on baby so will take their advice.i think this whole time for me will be a nightmare , i just want it to be october and hibernate until then , my sister is coming next week to stay for a few weeks she has 3 girls , 4.5 yrs, 3 yrs and 1yrs old and i love them so that'll past the time , dagny your loss is still so recent , for me it was initially crying everynight which gradually stopped , then if i looked at her photo, which i cant do really i still find it too upsetting , i suppose its the different ways we deal with it .......i dont even want to tell anybody i am pregnant as long as i can get away with it ( i.e my big extended in law family ) for fear of jinxing it ..oh well better do some work take care sophie ( 9w6d ..only !)

[Tracey S]

Dagny/ Sophie

Where do I start with you two hey?? Firstly sorry I did not reply yesterday - the day went and I had only had 2 hours sleep the night before with these two jiggling around that I had to have a sleep then Ian got back!
Right Dagny - you are right - you will beat yourself up whatever - we could have been having the conversation where you had insisted and Katelyn had had the op and suffered and died as a result and then how would you have felt? You would not have wanted her to suffer only to be given a chance and survive - there were never any guarantees as you know and we all can only play the card we are dealt with at the time - sometimes it is an ACe and othertimes the Joker but don't seem to be able to cheat!! You will have these ups and downs and let yourself have them - they are I am afraid part of the grieving process and healing. I am thrilled to be pg - of course but I still want Oliver - he was and is my special boy and that is that - I still feel cheated.........

Sophie - you I am afraid will always worry through this pg - it is natural and not something you can avoid - it is all very well people saying "dont worry - everything wil be ok this time " how the flaming hell do they know that - sorry they don't. The chances are everything will be fine and you are being monitored. Try and avoid too many sites - I do - not good for you! Also take some time every so often to enjoy being pregnant. I have known to be very superstitious in my time - honestly me and single magpies!!! But this time we have decorated the nursery etc and nothing bad happened in my 20 wk scan - I know I have time for something to go wrong and do worry about various things but try not to dwell and try and think of how lucky I am to be pg again and enjoy - you have surely earnt it.
right you two - lectures over - I am off to the farm shop
Love
Tracey
xxx

[Dagny]

Hi Tracey

I consider myself well and truely lectured. You have such a way with words and really put things into perspective.

I do feel like I always get dealt the Joker and never the Ace. The frustrating thing about IVF is that you can't cheat. It's all down to timing and a bucket full of luck. It's so bloody unpredictable.

I understand what you mean about if Katelyn had had the op and suffered and then died I would have been feeling equally as guilty. I just have to accept that our decision was made for us by mother nature and we can't change that.

I saw in your other post that you have chosen the name Emily Charlotte for one of your girls. They're lovely names, so pretty. Nikola told me in her letter the names that they are considering for girls and boys. It's like she listed half the kids I have been a nanny to over the years! Do you have to consider family names?

Did you get what you wanted from the farm shop? Are you doing anything nice this weekend? We have Lucy and we are off to Chichester again and meeting up with my aunt and brother tomorrow and making a snagging list as the flat is a new build and I think the decorator did the mastic in the bathroom blindfold

Sophie, hope you are well and not getting to worried. I would tell you not to worry but I would be a hypocrite. Just try to enjoy the time as much as you can. I can't wait to be PG again sickness, worries and all.

Be good

Love Dagny xkx

[Tracey S]

Dagny

I am still smiling over your builder being blindfold - don't suppose it looks funny though - you really have to keep an eye on them - sounds like a good weekend for you - helps take your mind off things doesn't it - dodgy builders and snagging issues!

Me - well it is a lovely farm shop - perhaps when you are pg you can both come over and I will look after you and take you out there. He does all his own meat but also they do lovely cakes and pies and veggies and fresh eggs and fruit things and cordials............. oh and lots of nice food - yummy. We have some friends coming over with their 4 year old - havent seen them for yonks - they are coming tomorrow. Sam has had awful probs being pg over the years - ximena her daughter is a miracle really! Sam suffers from empty sac syndrome - gets pg and nothing there! She has no given up - could go for IVF and PGD but has decided she is blessed with one - we understand that don't we. I am cooking beef casserole tomorrow night with their farm beef and then full english brekky on sunday and then a lasagna etc so all go - I love my food incase you hadn't realized. Can't wait to cook for you one day!

Have a lovely weekend won't you. did smile at Nikola and her names - she is funny - quite a list isn't it? We don't have to consider family names really which is great or I think so - can just get on with it!
Love and hugs
Tracey
xxx