I am so touched!

[Dagny]

Tracey

Your farm shop sounds very nice. We have one near us and the woman who runs it is totally self sufficient with no electricity and running water and she makes lovely home made cakes. She sells all sorts of things but not meat. She has a pot bellied pig that roams about the place. very odd!

You have a lot of cooking to do by the sounds of it. Yumm

Your friend sounds like she has had a rough time with getting PG - where have I heard that before? Her daughter has a very unusual name, where is it from?

I am working on a David about getting a dog. He said we should go to the rescue place and I told him if we did that that I would come away with loads of dogs as I would feel sorry for them all. Then I would lose sleep over the ones I didn't choose. I want to get a sausage dog. I think they are so funny. I would call it Ronny - don't ask me why.

Happy cooking and have a fab time with your friends this weekend.

I am going to get some flowers for Katelyn's grave and have a wonder up there - still no car

Love Dagny xkx

[Tracey S]

Dagny

Hope you had a nice wander - think how fit you will be - what exactly are they doing to your car - rebuilding it? A sausage dog - aren't they fab - long or short haired and Ronny how cool Carry on working on David - I am sure you will win him over - we usually do us women!

How was Katelyn today? Any bunnies?

I have no idea where the name Ximena comes from - Ian was at uni with Samantha but will find out. People have problems pronouncing it but you would know all about that?
Massive hug
Love
Tracey
xxx

[Dagny]

Hi Tracey

I hope you had a good weekend with your friends. Did they enjoy your cooking?

We had a good time in Chichester although it was pouring with rain and gale force winds! We have just found out that a plot of land next to the flat is having 3 story town houses built on it which will take our view of the Cathedral. That was one of the attractions when buying it, so well pi$$ed off

I had a bad afternoon yesterday as I suspect the reality of what has happened to Katelyn is hitting home. I just couldn't stop crying and was so bloody angry I nearly burst open. I went up to the grave and sobbed and sobbed my heart out. I feel so empty. I have such vivid dreams about her or about when she died and I wake up crying. I know it's all a part of the grieving process but I just feel desparate at the moment. I hate where I am in my life. Thank God I have David, he is my strength but sometimes he just doesn't know what to say or do when I have my very dark moments. He said his way of dealing with Katelyn's death is by shutting it out and getting on with his work. How did Ian cope when Oliver died?

How are you today? Are the girls very active?

Love Dagny xkx

[sophie_rashid]

I live in north west london so no farm shops near me just the big ikea ! bit of a concrete jungle really !, my weekend was quiet my huband abdus is away at the moment and is back today so have just been catching up with friends and taking it easy , i am 10w3d now . My husband dealt with everything also by shutting it out , not really talking about it and just working , he never really talks about it unless i bring it up and then just says dont worry it'll be okay ! I'm waiting for him to come back so we can go to the graveyard which is about 35 mins drive from us .Am working from home today so just seen an email i better deal with ..take care sophie

[Tracey S]

Dagny

Poor you Take care won't you and remember little steps.........
They love my cooking of course We went shopping first and got the buggy and another cot and two car seats - all very exciting and expensive!!!!!! What a bind over the view - anything else coming to try your patience I wonder! Is there anything you can do - I suppose not! Re Ian - I think men deal with things very differently to us and also they did not feel the baby kick or move so are in a different place - Ian is very talkative anyway or will talk about his feelings. I found it hard at times as I had days like you described and he would be at work and in another place dealing with it - ie just getting on. I would actually have to ask if I wanted a chat if you get my drift. Sometimes I would throw a wobbly and say horrid things like he didn't care as much as me especially as he has two already and then regret it........... He did feel it dreadfully and still does - or course but just was back in the work routine so very different. You will have these days - it is still only just over a month...... one day you will wake up and not have had nightmares and think of her without crying............ not sure when but it will happen. Big hug

Sophie - time ticking away - are you finding it slow? Soon be the 12 week mark! Don't work too hard from home

Love
Tracey
xxx

[Dagny]

Hello Tracey and Sophie

Tracey - Glad your weekend went well and you didn't poison anyone It must be so exciting buying everything now for the nursery and making it cosy and comfortable.

My 'be-friender' from SANDS came roung this afternoon and we had a good chat. She has lost 3 babies! I have decided to go to one of their meetings where you meet other women in the same boat. It will be hard and a bit tearful but I hope it will help. I shouldn't think David will want to come anywhere near the meeting. He is so quiet at the best of times (I make up for his quietness) and I think he would just sit there and not say a word. He doesn't show his emotions very much and never talks about them either. I wish he would but hey ho, he is so sweet and I love him to bits

Sophie - How do you feel physically? Do you worry about every tweak and twinge?? I bet you can't wait for the scan. I hope you had some nice time together at the grave today. Did you name your baby? Do you have rogue rabbits at the graveyard?? I hate them they need to be punished

Must go and put dinner on.

Take care both of you.

Love Dagny xkx

[Tracey S]

Hey you two

Feeling very rough today - have been suffering from sore ribs for 3 weeks now where they have been forced up and out but now have sprained them - can't think I have broken them but feels like it so can't sleep, can't move and can't breathe in deeply infact everytime I breathe in it hurts and can't bend over and can only sit in certain ways. Am going to rest today as only 2 hours sleep.

Sands Dagny - my friend who lost her 5th at 32 weeks (she is 44) she swears by them - this week a picture arrives of Trinity - it is a painting she had done off a photo and it is done by a lady via Sands in US I think - she makes them look lifelike - thought you might like to ask.

Take care you two
Love
Tracey
xxx

[Dagny]

Hi Tracey

Oh poor you I am sorry your ribs are so sore. Can you take anything for the pain?? Have a good quiet day with lots of rest as you will feel crap in a few days. You need to conserve your energy for when the girlies arrive.

I had heard about the lady who does the paintings from the SANDS news letter. I have thought about getting Katelyn's done. Did you have any contact with SANDS when Oliver died? They really are a God send.

Take care sweetheart.

Sophie - How are you??

Love Dagny xkx

[sophie_rashid]

HI dagny,tracey , am working from home today ,
dagny i contacted sands last year and went to 1 meeting in september ( no way would my husband go to this ) , it was v emotional with various women telling their stories , havent been back again , keep meaning to and now i would like to go to discuss how women coped in subsequent pregnancies , always seem to find excuse not to go , they hold some morning sessions once a month where kids are welcome , so assume that would be more appropriate for a pregnant women to go ,
Tracey , you sound in pain , i've been eating non stop and was overweight to start with ( 13 stones 5ft 8 size 18/20) and now got massive belly but dont think its the babies at this early stage ! also am not doing any exercise too scared to do anything so that doesnt help i suppose . My next antenatal is next week , they mentioned a 20 week scan but not a 12 week scan although they check heartbeats each time I go ..I will be 11 weeks this friday .....take care sophie

[Dagny]

Hi Sophie

I am not sure how I will cope with the SANDS meeting but it's worth a try. My DH said he would come if I wanted him to but I am sure he would rather pull his teeth out!! I think I will go without him and see what happens and perhaps get him to come along at a later stage.

I think it would be good for you to go to the one with kids as those women will be able to totally empathise with you. They will have felt everything you are feeling now what with the worry and thoughts of it maybe history repeating its self. Which of course it won't!!

I would demand a 12 week scan! In fact my consultant said when I next get PG I will have a scan more or less evey week if I wanted it. He said I will be monitored like you wouldn't believe. So I think you should tell them you need the reassurance of scans especially the normal 12 and 20 week scans and any in between. You can tell why my hospital and GP get fed up with me can't you? I don't take anything lying down - I make sure I get what I want

Tracey - Hi there honey, how the devil are you? Are your ribs very sore? You have been so quiet today it's quite strange. I hope you are resting and being a good girl

I have been sort of OK today. I bought a lovely box for all Katelyn's special things. I find it really hard to look at her scan pictures I have so many and they just make me cry so I try not to look at them.

Take care both of you.

Love Dagny xkx

[Tracey S]

Hi only me

Was shopping with my mother yesterday but she had to carry everything. On my midwife's advice I went to the GP - it is a lung infection - lovely and if bacterial no go for hols this sunday! Yikes - he was muting lung cancer and other nasty things - charming - but he has a weird sense of humour

Heard nothing back yesterday on my bloods so presume viral which means I can do sod all about it except take paracetamol - got these on free prescrip so took some yesterday and managed a day with mother in Nottingham! I am assuming that is viral then not bacterial.
Sophie - insist on a 12 wk scan - I have them every 4 weeks cos twins which you should get as matter of course but said they woud have done that anyway after last time if not twins.!
Dagny - a box - how lovely - there are times when you can go to it and pull things out and not cry. It will come. Let me know how SANDS goes.
Love
Tracey
xxx

[Dagny]

Hi Tracey

I posted on the other side about your infection. I hope it clears up soon and you get to go on holiday. Your Doctor is crackers

I am so looking forward to going away and getting David all to myself. He is director of his own business and is ALWAYS working either out on the jobs, up in the office in the loft room or on the lap top in the lounge and only half an ear on my coversation

I had a box with baby things in (the very limited amount I did buy) and I can't bring myself to open it. It has little white 1st size baby grows, muslin squares, a pair of scratch mits, a couple of dummy's, a tiny vest with 'Do not disturb' on the front and a few other bits and bobs. My stomach turns over when I think of that box. I had written a diary too with eveything I felt and did and stuck various PG pictures of me in and anything related to being PG - I can't look at that either. It was all written like 'Mummy and Daddy went for a scan today to see how much you have grown' etc, etc. Katelyn would have had it as a nice journal of when I was PG with her. it's all redundant now and I don't think I will do it again if I ever fall PG again. Who knows?

Feeling a bit wobbly today. I bought an Easter card for Katelyn yesterday with 'Our Baby's First Easter' on it. It will go in her box - but where do you stop????? Did you do anything like that or you Sophie?

Hi Sophie how're you doing?

Take lots of care.

Love Dagny xkx

[Tracey S]

Oh Dagny

You stop when you want to stop and when you think you can stop or even if you think you should............ Open the box when you are ready - there will be a day - don't know when and it really does not matter if it is a year does it or longer. It is your box for Katelyn so time does not matter in this sense. With regards your question. I have a large album type thing with my pg tests and scan pictures and all the cards we received and picture of Oliver. We have a photo of him with his teddy - he had one and we had one on our chest of drawers in our bedroom overlooking the garden. We stopped there but it is up to you. I had bought far more things than that - his cot, his clothes and various things and have kept them but they are in the drawers with the other baby things. Some might think this harsh but I wish they had been for him - it was not meant to be so they will be for his sisters. Apart from his teddy that is............. that is different. This was what worked for me but not nec for you. The only advice I can give you is that see how you feel when you get back from holiday and this might sound hard my special friend but there comes a time when you must stop filling KAtelyn's box - KAtelyn is in a different place - not the physical world here with us and more importantly you but somewhere she was chosen to be. She has a place in your heart and you have the mementos which are just physical things - the most important reminders you carry round in your heart and head and open every day........... that is what I think and tell me to bog off if you want - I won't take offence and hope you don't. She would have been proud of you whatever but in my heart I don't think Oliver would have wanted a "shrine" if that makes sense and in a way that is what your box could become. Keep the special things and the diaries etc. There is no way you need to make a decision on if you do another - that is for you to decide when you are pg again. Things change Dagny and feelings don't but become manageable and not so raw. It would be nice in my opinion for you to do it again as Katelyn would not want to be singled out I reckon. Had she lived and you both go on to have a brother or sister you would have done all those things again. It is because she has died that you are tormenting yourself. Remember the most important thing...... She is and always will be your special number one child - nobody can change that.
Lecture over - you must do what you feel right and knowing you as I do now I know that in time you will do this - you have the right instincts and don't need me to tell you what to do.
With love
Tracey
xxx

[Dagny]

Hi Tracey

You really are such a sweet person. You have so much advice and positive out looks. You truly are an inspiration. Thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I have read and re-read your post several times and it all makes sense.

I know it will be a matter of time before I am strong enough to look in her box to look at her things and read the diary. It's the thought of it which makes me sad and thinking of what should have been. I had so many plans as I am sure we all do and it is now a distant memory. I can only dream now and hope and pray I get my baby to hold and nurture. I do have the odd positive moment about my next treatment don't get me wrong but as soon as I think positively I then think it will never happen and that I don't deserve it. My catholic up bringing may have something to do with my feelings of being punished. Honestly, religion has so much to answer to

I feel like AF is on it's way too which I have mixed emotions about. I have spent so long, well since September dreading seeing blood in the old pants and now I am hoping it comes so I can get my cycle back in order for the next treatment. I also feel all trace of Katelyn has been washed away from inside me when the next bleed comes. If it does come I want it to be soon as I don't want it to come while we are in Lanzarote - it is bound to knowing my luck the evil old witch!!

I hope you had a better day today and that your chest pain is starting to subside. How many birth announcements have we had today on the board?? Have you heard from Nikola recently?

Take care my special buddy

Love Dagny xkx

[Tracey S]

Dear Dagny

You are of course very welcome! Just a warning - imminent AF - you will have mixed feelings as I am sure you know! Mine were that it was a relief things were back to normal, one step closer to next tmt and that it was further away from Oliver and was ages since I had one so all very strange. LEt's hope it arrives before for both your sakes!

As for religion - I have to agree - I am not religious in that sense and was not Christened even - my parents wanted me to decide so I swatted up on all sorts of religion before I felt I could make an informed decision. Ian and I tend towards the PAgan thinking - ie live and let live and being in tune with Natural things - neither of us practice it just thing it has some jolly positive things about it!
Chest pains are better - we took Gabbie around Rutland water this morning - sunny and lovely - she is knackered as am I!

Nikola - yes am posting but C section a week monday - yikes! She sends her love.
Don;t worry about feeling positive about tmt then not - I did all the time - felt I was a nasty person and being punished and that is why Oliver had been taken away and why tmt would never work - life is not like that honestly! You will have a baby to nuture - maybe twins - please fingers crossed and then you will look on Katelyn as showing you the way!
Love and hugs
Tracey
xxx