BUMPIN' 08 - Fall Mommies

[geckogirl]

Oh Michele, that just sucks!!!! Giant ((((((((hugs)))))))) to you. Just keep smooching on your beautiful girl and go have some alone time with DH. We are here for you.

[CT_Michele]

Thanks girls, the kind words do help.

Mellie- It sucks, no other way to put it. I am considering all possibilities for how to move forward. We will consult with RE on Oct 27, but they said they are leaving it up to me for what comes next. Really what they mean is it is up to my wallet. It really is sucky that 2 wonderful parents like ourselves are denied an opportunity to love another child b/c we aren't rich.

I have to consider my options, but also consider at what expense to dh and I and Ella. It seems the best option is for me to find a job with medical benefits. We would keep my husbands insurance, but I would get insurance just for myself through my new job. If I find a job that has a different company than anthem for insurance (that is what dh has) then due to hippa lawas the new company can not inquire to whether or not I have had ivf, and I would get 2 more tries under the state of CT mandate. There are also a lot of school districts here that offer more than the mandate and give unlimited benefits, but good luck finding a teaching job right now when everyone is laying off.

So I guess my best option right now might be IKEA. I have a ridiculous amount of retail experience, my MIL and a couple good friends already work there and they offer benefits to part timers too. So I am thinking work the bare minimum hours so I don't need to find child care for Ella, work a crummy no responsibility job like cashiering, my paycheck will probably cover my healthcare premium, but I will get 2 more tries. I have a feeling with this option I will need to wait at least 3 months to even get the coverage, and I read somewhere that some places make you wait 12 months until the IVF coverage kicks in. My MIL is trying to find out all the details for me before I apply.

Dh will probably go through TESE again (poor guy, 3rd time), but if we want a chance for the future, we need to get sperm now if there is any left.

Once we finish paying off the debt from this try, I would also consider financing another try, but right now, we just can't afford another monthly payment. I am not willing to let my marriage struggle by forcing us into money troubles. I want another badly, but if Ella and my husband are all I get in life, then I can't complain. They are wonderful and I am so lucky to have them.

So I really don't know at this point. I am mad that we still owe money for this last try and put out $10,000 for nothing. That money could have gone to Ella somehow, but if my outcome had been different I would be saying money well spent, so I can't be mad we tried.

Thanks for letting me vent. I know you girls understand. I have a lot of support from family and friends but they really don't understand, they try to suggest options that just won't work. Like my aunt says to me this morning, "just have lots of sex, miracles happen everyday, I know people who went through IVF or adoption and then got pregnant naturally." I try to explain to her that it does happen, but that it is not possible for us, and her response it, "anything is possible." I mean, I am not going to pull out Todd's medical records to prove to her it is not possible. I know she is trying to make me feel better and give me hope, but like I said, most people don't get it.

[Mellie_1233]

CT_Michele, You're right about that. IVF stuff is complex and it's hard for people to understand if they haven't been through it.

May I ask what clinic you use?

Your plan sounds really smart about the IKEA insurance. Glad you live in a state with coverage (we do, too). It must be better here in IL b/c I got 2 trials for a second child. Of course, that would've been it.

Oh yeah, is IKEA's insurance through CT? My DH's job had insurance through another state so we didn't get infertility coverage until we switched to my insurance. Just a thought.

Most people don't realize that CCRM in CO (where we went) can be partially covered by insurance. You need what's called a "PPO waiver". I don't know how it works if you have HMO. Also, I'm not sure that it works with every insurance carrier but we got a lot of ours paid for this way and were able to benefit from their amazing lab. Their FET rates are becoming comparable to their fresh transfer rates in fact. Anyway, if you want more info on this let me know and I'll share all I can.

Just wanting to make sure you're getting the biggest "bang" for your buck, so to speak.

[TwinMommy]

I need to get this off my chest and I do not really know who to turn to but I knew you ladies would understand so I decided to come here! A little back story so you kinda know where I am coming from....for the past 2 months I have been spotting brown (I know TMI!) and I just thought it was my PCOS acting up so I went to the Gyno Monday to get back on BC to regulate my periods. I started the pills. Well for the past two months I have also been tired but I gave that up to me bleeding all the time and my anemia and not sleeping well. My boobs were sore the past 2 weeks. I have Fiber Cystic boobs so I gave that up to drinking too much caffeine. See where I am going yet?? Well this morning I woke up and I felt wet (I know, nasty) so I went to the bathroom. Before now I did not need a pad or tampon for the bleeding. Well I sat on the toilet and hear this PLOP really loud. My back was hurting really bad. I look in the toilet and see something weird. I think it was an embryo. So I call my mom up and ask her about it, do some research online, and what I saw looks a lot like a fetus at 6-7 weeks. I am stupid and did not fish the thing out and I just flushed it. I did not know they could do testing on it to see if that is truly what it was. But the doctor did draw blood on Monday and she was running a pregnancy test so that should tell me if I was in fact pregnant. Plus I am making Nick go out and get me a over the counter test to see as well. I am still cramping and bleeding pretty heavy and it is not bring red but a pink liquid looking. So all in all, I think I had a miscarriage and did not even know I was pregnant. When I look back at it now it all makes sense if that is what it really was going on. I did not think of pregnancy, well, you know. IVF people!! I do not ovulate, low sperm count for Nick, etc, etc.

I did more research and PCOS have more chances of miscarriage, I should have taken a test after spotting for so long and I may have needed progesterone to help it out, I was taking drugs (Metformin, NyQuil, etc), and yeah.

I will know for sure in a few days with the blood test I suppose. I am debating on calling the doctor to go in and see if that is what it was. If it was it was early early pregnancy and I should not need a D and C right??

Also, I am still taking the Birth Control and I guess I will not stop with that until my periods get worked out a little better. I am just confused and weirded out at the moment.

[CT_Michele]

Suga- I am so sorry to hear your experience. Sounds very much like what I went through yesterday, and if it is, then sounds like you were indeed pregnant. I don't think you would need a d&c if the embryo came out.

WARNING- TMI coming-

So, like I said, this is what happened yesterday. I called my clinic in the morning because I stopped progesterone sunday and af was still not here. I thought it would have came right away, but I was just getting slight discoloration when I wiped. She told me on the phone it could take up to 2 weeks.

Almost as soon as I got off the phone, I saw bright red blood, so I knew it was coming. I put in a tampon and went about my regular business, went to a playdate and visiting. Came home around 2 and put ella down for a nap. The whole day my cramping was getting worse, but not much flow.

After I put ella down for a nap, the cramping started to get bad. I changed tampons and then soaked the new one in 30 minutes. My cramping started to get so bad, I was calling dh and my mom for what I should do, I was just thankful ella was napping because I could barely walk at this point. I use to get period cramping this bad, but not in over 10 years. No pills were working.

I heard ella waking up but I felt so bad I had to leave her in her crib. She fell back asleep after 30 minutes. I called dh and told him I needed him to try and get coverage for second shift b/c I needed him home. I thought my period was just being really bad since I haven't had in in over 3 months b/c I was on lupron. I spent most of the afternoon in the bathroom, sobbing in pain.

Dh came home with some more appropriate period meds, and when I took my last pill, I kinda heaved a little and I felt something down there. I ran to the bathroom and plop. When I looked, there was blood everywhere and a huge clot, like at least half the size of my palm, maybe bigger, and I saw greyish lines on it. I left the bathroom crying and told dh what I though had just happened. He went and flushed for me.

It was so sad, and the pain went away almost immediately, so I definitely think that was the embryo around 6 weeks. I never thought that could happen as early as 6 weeks. It was pretty devastating. I knew when my period came, it would be a little tough as it signifies the official end, but I thought the hardest most emotional part was over when I got the phone call that my numbers went down, but yesterday was pretty tough too.

Ugh, I am sorry to vent here, but you girls are the only ones I know that understand this kind of stuff. I mean, I told my mom what happened, but I don't feel like I have anyone else to talk to, so thanks for lending a listening ear. I promise my upcoming posts will start to get more positive, they have to now, I feel like I am at my low, so there is only one way to go from here.

[geckogirl]

Awww Michele - that sounds just horrible. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It did sound similar to other stories I have heard. Do you need any follow up with your doctor? DH sounds like an awesome guy. Hang in there. (((((((hugs))))))

[CT_Michele]

I am not sure I need follow up, they have been very vague about this whole this. I am not sure if they would record me as a bfp or a bfn, if this is considered a chemical pregnancy, a miscarriage or what they are calling it. They did not tell me I could expect this, they just said I would get my period and have talked the whole time like this cycle was just a bust due to bad embryos. I have a consult on the 27th, but I am wondering if I should call monday and tell them what happened. I am also due for a pap smear with ob, so I will tell them when I see them.

[TammyS]

Twinmommy and Michele....I am sooo very sorry. I cant even imagine how horrible that was for you. Michele, I would call them for sure. Big Hugs to you both.

Zach has croup bad. He had some fast labored breathing today and we took him to Childrens Hosp. He's doing better tonight, but so scary. Breaks my heart to see him sooo sick.

[Mellie_1233]

CT_Michele - I'm so sorry you had to go through all of this. I hope you're doing better.

Suga - How are you doing? Any news? Sorry for you difficult time, too.

Hope everyone is doing well.

[riogirl71]

Suga and CT - I am so sorry you girls had to go through this I can't even imagine. When it gets really hard, look at your miracles. Big hugs to you.

Tammy - good luck and I hope Zach recovers soon!

Gecko, Corny, Mellie - hope your pregnancies are going well, any guesses on the sex?

AS for us, I am still breastfeeding. I have tried to wean him but no luck. He refuses milk, I tried 1%, 2%, whole, ovaltine, strawberry... you name it hot or cold. He takes a few sips and 5 seconds later gags and everything comes out. So I feel horribly guilty (tried all formulas and in between too) in weaning him. So probably no IVF for us in January maybe in May, I just hate waiting cause DH's count is soooo low that I don't want to develop issues to my age and make it doubly hard. CT - I hear ya! People that know say that to us too, even DH says lets have lots of sex and do it this way... well how when you have such a low count? I don't say it out loud of course! The money is hard too. With daycare at 1000 per month and no insurance for IVF, we will be lucky to get one try. TOugh choices.

Much love to you girls!

[CT_Michele]

Hey girls, Sorry I have not been posting much, but just trying to cope as best I can, which involves keeping myself busy and off the computer.

I never called RE after what happened last week, I didn't think it was necessary. I am going for a consult with him on Tuesday, so I will tell him then. I honestly don;t know why we are even going for consult when I know exactly what will be said, just a formality I guess.

Rio- That stinks about the weaning and your little bean not taking to anything else. I can't even imagine what that is like, but kudos to you for breastfeeding for so long, that's awesome!

Hope all the pregnant mommies here are doing well.

Ella is great, as usual. Her top teeth are coming in and we counted her first step as 2 days ago. It wasn't much, just a quick step unassisted from dad to mom, but she did it. She is so close, and I think she could do it if she trusted herself more.

Ya know, I don;t know how you guys feel, but at first, I did not want Ella to get the h1n1 vaccine, but now I am starting to change my mind. It seems as though they have done a lot of trials, and with how quick it is spreading, i think it might be a bigger risk not getting her the vaccine. She already had both doses of seasonal flu vaccine, what do you guys think?

Well, we have an exciting week of multiple halloween parties top attend. What are all the babes being for halloween? Ella is being supergirl for all her parties that are not on halloween, and then we are dressing up as a family on halloween, we are being the simpsons. Should be fun.

Hopefully everyone is great, and I will talk to you all again soon.
Hey- are any of you guys on fb?

[Mellie_1233]

Glad to hear from you CT_Michele.

I got the H1N1 b/c I'm pregnant with twins and asthmatic. I got the thimerosal-free version. I'm actually allergic to thimerosal so I have to have that kind.

Evie is having a minor surgery on Monday. One of her tear ducts has still not opened and we have passed the one year old mark -- which is when they say it probably won't open on its own. Please say prayers for her. It is a simple procedure but requires general anaesthesia which has me incredibly worried.

They don't want her to have any vaccines the week before the surgery just in case she has a fever or something so we are waiting on the H1N1. I worry about her sharing my thimerosal allergy but her ped says she should still get it. She got the regular flu shot that just had trace amounts (or less) of thimerosal and she did fine. I'm hoping the thimerosal-free H1N1 will be out soon.

In the meantime I am reading up on the controversy. I am only reading scholarly research, though. There's so much stuff on the internet that I can't put faith in -- I don't have to make a decision for a little while, though, b/c she can't have it anyway until after her surgery.

20 week ultrasound went very well. We are having a girl and a boy!

[TammyS]

Congrat Mellie! How perfectly wonderful! Sorry to hear about Evie, that stinks big time. Zach will need surgery to remove a mole that he was born with that they said is the kind that can turn cancerous when he is older. I'm hoping to wait a little while longer. I keep hearing mixed things from his pediatricians as to when to get it done. Keep us posted. Will be praying for her.

Michele...I understand about your apprehension on the shots. I feel the same way especially after seeing this video today....it was posted on my local mommys board. I hope this link works. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mScGC7nFDxM
I am being the last of the facebook hold-outs. LOL It drives my brother nuts and I like it. LOL I will be joining eventually, though, I am sure.

Rio...Zach is all better now. Thank goodness. I think I am going to put IVF #2 on hold now till maybe August for various reasons. I wouldnt worry about weening him right now ....if you and him are both not ready...take your time. There are alot of women right now on our local mommys board who have been saying the same thing lately. Though, I understand with your hubbys issues, too. Tough decision. Good Luck.

Gecko, Twinmommy, Corny and anyone else I am missing. How are you ladies doing?

[CT_Michele]

Mellie- good luck to you and evie for her surgery. I am sure everything will be fine, I think someone else on these boards had that surgery too, I think it is more common than I thought it was. As far as the flu shots, I was thinking the same thing, that if Ella already had her seasonal flu shots and had no adverse reactions, I am hoping for the same for the h1n1. But it is scary to read everything online, there are some sites dedicated to telling us about all the nasty gross things they put in vaccines and the rare bad side effects.

Tammy- I was also a facebook hold out, until about 5/6 months ago when I finally gave in, kinda by accident, and now I am hooked! It is such an awesome way to keep in touch with out of state friends and relatives, I feel like I get to be a part of their daily life in a way. It also great for reconnecting with old friends, networking (it is doing wonders for my husbands photography business he is trying to start) and I am even friends with a few people from this ivf forum. It is so nice to be able to share pics with everyone and just everyday stuff. You should just give in, I know you will not regret it. Let me know when you do and I will look you up.

Oh, and I watched that video...very scary and sad, seeing stuff like that just makes the decision that much harder, but I really think that is a rare instance.

[sharishu]

Michelle-
I just read your whole story. So sorry to hear about that, I can't imagine what you went through last week. Glad your husband was there at the time to help you out with it all. I can really relate to friends/family not understanding that IVF is your only option. My well-meaning SIL told me 'now that I have Eliya, I will now go on to have natural... it always happens that way...'. I too felt like showing her my medical charts, to show her that I virtually have no fallopian tubes left after my huge ovarian cyst was removed. I just chalk it up to lack of knowledge.

Suga-
Sorry to hear of your probable miscarriage!