June Cycle Buddies!

[mellow4]

Margi- This is way worse than the 2ww. It doesn't even compare. It's a strange boat to be in, so I'm glad I'm not alone.

Somethings gotta give at some point. Hang in there, we will eventually have some sort of an answer.

[jenice]

Mellow - I'm soooo sorry. I'll say a prayer for you and DH. It is so stressful to go through IVF and have all this extra stress. I had that sub- chrionic hemmorhage and I never would thought our baby would have made it through but heart beat is strong and it wants to hang in there. I still wonder if I'll make it through this pregnancy and have a baby. I know it is in god's hands now and I have no control over it. I wonder with each passing week and in fear of what might come. I refuse to tel my DD I'm pregnant and after that episode I'm glad I didn't say anything. My belly is starting to grow and I wonder how long I can hide it. I'm so sorry you are going through this and if you ever need to talk you can pm me, hugs

[annashope]

Hi girls

well here goes more uncertainty. We went for the check up today mainly to see what is happening with the delayed m/c since it has been a week since we stopped the PIO (we will not do methotrexate for religious reasons) well after not seeing anything last week and the RE telling us that it is over.... today we saw a sac...just a sac and so the RE says that we are continuously 1 week behind. I am speechless!!!! Very happy to know that it is not ectopic (praise God) but not sure what to think. So I guess our hcg has to have risen above 1000 since last week to be able to see a sac.....ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! now we wait for the blood work once again. Re has no explanation what so ever and so now for 3 weeks we have been told that we will miscarry. Truth be told I am terrified of giving myself any sort of false hope and actually am not optimistic (I guess 1 month of this will make anyone crazy) but we brought home at least proof that we made it this far. I constantly feel like if I give myself any hope then I will get my heart broken again. I mean we really looked last week on the ultrasound and saw NOTHING and he kept saying that if anything viable was there then we would see it and now he is surprised to see the sac! This is crazy!!!! I understand why they do what they do but it seems like if anyone does not fit an exact prescribed stage of development then it is immediately a doomsday. When I had my son (10 years ago) I didn't know my betas and only saw an u/s at 8.5 weeks. Now my sis who is pg two weeks ahead of me will only have her first scan at 12 weeks....but for those of us undergoing IVF this is soooo micromanaged! If your first beta is not over 100 its bad, if your first u/s is not exactly where it should be its bad... how exactly are we supposed to stay positive? Sorry for my rant but I am sure you understand where I am coming from. Every time I believe there may be hope I am told there isn't and every time I come to peace with a loss I am told that not all is lost. I this point I wish they would just stop speculating on what "most likely will happen" and just observe.

Thanks so much for letting me vent I feel like I am so close with you girls and no one else really understands. My mom keeps asking "did you miscarry? and I say well not yet then she says then are you still pregnant and I don't have an answer there either.

Margi I totally understand your frustration and I hope your visit to the RE today gives you more clarity than mine and really good news. We deserve a break

Mellow how are you? any news?

[mellow4]

Annashope- Wow honey, I'm sorry you are going through this. It's quite a roller coaster. You are very right though, things do happen much earlier than what non-ivf patients go through. It can be very frustrating. Was there a yolk sac in the sac? Or is it just a sac at this point? How far along are you supposed to be? Will they have you come in again? If it's a blighted ovum, you can carry it for quite some time before m/c, I had one and carried to 12 weeks without knowing, and had to have a d&c since my betas just kept rising. More uncertainty. Praying.

I wish I had an ultrasound scheduled for today, so I don't have to go through another weekend not knowing if my baby is going to make it. I go in Monday at 2:45, nothing like waiting all day right. Super stressed, but trying to be hopeful.

Margi, any news?

[annashope]

Mellow

I totally understand your frustration. Everything is a waiting game all the time. Hang in there you are in my prayers!

As for us just waiting for the bw. Honestly at this point I stopped guessing as to what it may be. I cannot have a d & c because I have a permanent abdominal cerclage so this has to run its course. At first we were told it may be a chemical preg, next it may have been a tubal, next it is possibly a blighted ovum...who knows anymore just seems like we keep guessing and it just keeps progressing forward somehow always 6-7 days behind schedule

[margi26]

Annashope and Mellow...I am right there with you both

My ultrasound showed a sac and fetal pole, but they weren't able to detect a HB.

I don't like how they told us, because they said nothing during the exam. Poker faces. But clearly printing pictures and taking measurements which made me hopeful. Then at the end of the exam show me and DH the sac and the fetal pole--saying nothing further. THEN, when we meet them in the other room to discuss, he mentions no HB. So for that few minutes we were both feeling relieved and happy.

Sigh. They will repeat an U/S in another week, but he said it is 99% certain that it is not viable.

This was our 3rd and final IVF cycle as we cannot afford any more. It is heartbreaking.

Annashope--I don't know what to say to you. I guess I am now in the "wait to m/c" boat with a 1% chance it is otherwise??!! What kind of way is that to be? I don't know what to do or say to anyone. Please know that I am praying that we both get some peace soon.

Mellow-I am praying that Monday you get good news. I am sending you all the positive energy I can muster!!!!

Thank you for reading/listening...don't know where else to turn right now.

[mellow4]

Margi, I am so sorry. There are no words that will make you feel better, but know that my heart hurts for you. It's hard to understand why these things happen. I have lost more than I ever imagined was possible, and I don't know why we have gone through this pain. I do have hope still, even in the midst of all this. I will be praying for you. I will continue to be here for you to lean on as long as you need. If you want, I am on FB, and we can keep better contact that way...but only if you wish too. You can private message me and I will gladly give you my name so you can find me. Stay strong.

[margi26]

Mellow--

Thank you for all your support and kind words. Sorry, I just needed to take a break this weekend from the forum...my sister was in town so that was somewhat of a distraction....

I am praying that you get wonderful news today at your appt and u/s this afternoon...2:45....good news would be fabulous...you deserve it!

[mellow4]

Well Margi, I wish I could come on here with some good news. Unfortunately I don't have any. The baby's heart stopped beating. I have to wait to miscarry, or have a D&C. I would like to get it over with sooner rather than later, but...
My OB/GYN only does surgeries at the hospital where our baby died. I will not go back there, and we are in a lawsuit against them. So this leaves me in a weird situation. I don't know what to do. Anyway, I expected to see this today. A large yolk sac is never a good thing, so we knew that we were facing this situation. I spent the last week preparing myself for this, so it wasn't a big surprise. It just makes me miss my son even more.

We paid for 2 tries, so in a couple months I am hoping for good news.

How are you doing?

[margi26]

Oh, Mellow...my prayers are with you even more to help you through this difficult time. Loss is never easy and I am sorry.

I certainly understand the wanting to get it over with and hope that you are able to come to some resolution...is there not another doctor/hospital in your area?

I was so hoping that you would get the miracle.....

I am trying to feel "prepared" myself, but it is just so difficult. I am having trouble concentrating at work and trouble sleeping. I don't know if I can wait until Friday--it is just eating me up not knowing.

What do you think about this: I called my OB/GYN's office today...I know that I am not "supposed to" until I am released by my RE, but frankly, I was needing some positive support that I do not feel that I get from their office. They are just so matter-of-fact and not receptive to questions, etc. Anyway--I called the nurse and explained my situation and where we were in the process and she offered to have me come in to their office to let them listen for the heartbeat. Hm...it is very tempting...either way it might help me, right? If they don't hear it, that further confirms, but if they do...I am officially 7 weeks today (5 days past ER). What would your advice be? I am sorry, I know that you are going through your own dilemma and grief, but I am trying to seek answers and need the advice of someone I trust and someone who understands what I am feeling.

[mellow4]

Margi,

Anything you can do that will make you feel more at ease, you should definitely do. I've had 4 m/c before....5 now, and every time I felt the need to have answers, and some dr.s are better about answering than others. Get all the information you can get, and ask all the questions you need. You just have to do what makes you feel better, or gives you peace, even if it's just a little. I would not wait any longer than you must, and if that means getting in somewhere else...then by all means go for it. We all have to grieve in our own way, and sometimes the RE is cold to our feelings, remember they see so much, many ups and downs. I know it's hard, but, you will come through it stronger. Not very comforting I know. I've been through so much though, that I know it to be true. I will keep you in my prayers. Hang in there and let me know what you decide.

[lisadcb]

Margi, there is no such thing as "waiting" to see your OB until your "released" from RE. Take matters into your hands and get the U/S from the OB. I will be praying for you.

[margi26]

Thank you! I "slept" on it and I appreciate the support...I will call the nurse back this morning and will let you know how it goes...

[margi26]

It's official. No heartbeat, no growth. She doesn't even see anything in the sac. At least the tech was compassionate and understanding about it...which I greatly appreciated.

Sigh.

Now we can grieve and try to get through this--having an answer, sad as it is, is better than the uncertainty that has been plaguing me and DH.

But, I don't know what to do next...I certainly don't want to continue with my medications, but I know I shouldn't stop until I get the "ok" from my clinic. I am not looking forward to calling my clinic, the nurse is not very "warm and fuzzy". Actually, that would be an understatement. As if I am not upset enough, now I am quite stressed about the idea of calling her to tell her I went to my OB/GYN for an u/s. I guess I need to either continue with meds until Friday--which seems horrible to me now that I know there is no point; or else I need to call and ask for an app't before Friday so that they can confirm for themselves. Ugh.

The whole thing is upsetting and sad and this is most likely our last cycle as we have exhausted our insurance benefits. We will try to talk with them to see if there are any "affordable" options, but I am very doubtful.

Sorry to be a downer...thank you for all the support and prayers. Don't know how I would have made it through these weeks without you all.

[mellow4]

Margi, you don't need to wait for them to tell you to stop taking them. I would stop. You also don't need to tell them anything about having another ultrasound. Just stop your meds, and when you go in and they tell you to stop you don't have to say anything then either if you don't want too. There is no reason for you to continue just because they haven't told you to quit taking them. It only prolongs the inevitable at this point, and you don't have to do that.

If they aren't compassionate, and make you feel uneasy about this then you need to just do what is right for you. I'm sorry they are so hard, I had a nurse like that once...she actually asked me what I wanted from her when I asked a question about something I really needed help with. I told on her...and it made me feel better. haha. The RE actually apoligized and said that they are there to help when we had questions and then he had a talk with the nurse. I didn't work with her anymore after that.

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this. I understand though, and am holding your hand through this. Its so good to have this as an outlet, since there are few that can understand. Hang in there. I'm right in the same boat with you, and waiting this thing out is tough. Dr's don't always know best, take charge and do what you think is best at this point.