Paige,
You asked what my feelings were about the infertility being on my side of the court. I could go on for years about that, but will try to keep it short. I didn't know I had this problem until a year ago. My tubes were both completely blocked, and in fact had to be removed before we could proceed with IVF.
The doctor thought the scarring looked very old, as if it had happened in my teens. This was no surprise to me, as I am a recovering alcoholic and I drank morning noon and night from age 15 to 22 when I stopped. I'm sure I had gotten an infection at some point, and had not even realized it. This made me feel as if I had let down DH, my parents and my husband's parents as well as both of our extended families.
So when I found out I would be able to do IVF and that much of the costs would be covered, I felt like once again, I had been given back the life I had thrown away. I was so grateful for the opportunity. Even if it didn't work (and of course I desparately wanted it to), I was amazed that I'd even be able to give it a try. The money, the time, the number of good clinics in our area, even the fact that IVF did not exist only 35 years ago - all made me feel so lucky.
So there it is. That's how it went for me - boy thanks for asking. It has been so therapeudic to write this down.
Alicia
Keep in touch August buddies!
Alicia:
What a great story. Thanks for sharing it. We are very lucky we live in the technological times we do. It's pretty amazing. You know, our insurance paid everything but $600 or $700 of our ICSI treatment, we weren't really sure if we were going to do ivf at all because we have a wonderful, healthy 4 yr old. Maybe we were pushing our luck or being greedy so to speak. We thought that maybe the insurance being so great was a sign that we should give it a shot. I'm grateful we did.
Paige
What a great story. Thanks for sharing it. We are very lucky we live in the technological times we do. It's pretty amazing. You know, our insurance paid everything but $600 or $700 of our ICSI treatment, we weren't really sure if we were going to do ivf at all because we have a wonderful, healthy 4 yr old. Maybe we were pushing our luck or being greedy so to speak. We thought that maybe the insurance being so great was a sign that we should give it a shot. I'm grateful we did.
Paige
Hey everyone,
It's so nice to know I'm not alone, in so many ways.
Alicia, that was a really powerful story. Thankyou for telling us. I am also plagued with guilt as I abused my body through anorexia and all kinds of stupid s**t for years, and now I wonder if I'm paying for it. This is probably really stupid, but I think of all those people in Africa who've been starving for generations and still manage to have babies and think well I guess our bodies are pretty tough... but I still wonder if I deserve it somehow.
Wendy, I guess I had a very different history to you - from 13 my periods were so regular - every 30 days on the dot. I remember always thinking, well that's a sign I'm really fertile, even from when I first started. Funny how things work out... maybe that's why I kept thinking this really couldn't be happening.
I also feel like many of you - on the one hand like I couldn't possibly ask DH for more, but on the other hand like he should be more supportive. He's come to all the appointments, done all the injections, put up with all my crying and carrying on over the years and been nothing but supportive, but on the week-end when I was miscarrying he went out and stayed out till 4 am even after I'd said I didn't really want him to. I don't know, maybe he needs to take some time off too - I did manage to make him give up hot baths (which he LOVES), I feel like at least he has to give up something, even though it's nothing compared to what I have to give up.
On the one hand, I feel p***ed off that I have to go through everything and he really doesn't have to do anything (like Staci), but on the other, I'm kind of glad that I do get to be the one to 'feel' pg, even though it's only been brief. I get to feel whether there are pains, cramps, my boobs get bigger and stuff like that. While he doesn't have to go through any of the sh**, he doesn't get to experience any of that wonderful stuff, in the end, either. So maybe it's kind of fair. It must be so hard for them, trying to understand how we're feeling without being able to really feel any of it.
Take care all,
Jaye.
It's so nice to know I'm not alone, in so many ways.
Alicia, that was a really powerful story. Thankyou for telling us. I am also plagued with guilt as I abused my body through anorexia and all kinds of stupid s**t for years, and now I wonder if I'm paying for it. This is probably really stupid, but I think of all those people in Africa who've been starving for generations and still manage to have babies and think well I guess our bodies are pretty tough... but I still wonder if I deserve it somehow.
Wendy, I guess I had a very different history to you - from 13 my periods were so regular - every 30 days on the dot. I remember always thinking, well that's a sign I'm really fertile, even from when I first started. Funny how things work out... maybe that's why I kept thinking this really couldn't be happening.
I also feel like many of you - on the one hand like I couldn't possibly ask DH for more, but on the other hand like he should be more supportive. He's come to all the appointments, done all the injections, put up with all my crying and carrying on over the years and been nothing but supportive, but on the week-end when I was miscarrying he went out and stayed out till 4 am even after I'd said I didn't really want him to. I don't know, maybe he needs to take some time off too - I did manage to make him give up hot baths (which he LOVES), I feel like at least he has to give up something, even though it's nothing compared to what I have to give up.
On the one hand, I feel p***ed off that I have to go through everything and he really doesn't have to do anything (like Staci), but on the other, I'm kind of glad that I do get to be the one to 'feel' pg, even though it's only been brief. I get to feel whether there are pains, cramps, my boobs get bigger and stuff like that. While he doesn't have to go through any of the sh**, he doesn't get to experience any of that wonderful stuff, in the end, either. So maybe it's kind of fair. It must be so hard for them, trying to understand how we're feeling without being able to really feel any of it.
Take care all,
Jaye.
me 34, dh 36
TTC 3 yrs, lap oct 02, 'unexplained'
3 x IUIs 2003, all -ve
IVF 4/04 & 8/04, both early m/c. 11/04 -ve
So much in life to be grateful for.
TTC 3 yrs, lap oct 02, 'unexplained'
3 x IUIs 2003, all -ve
IVF 4/04 & 8/04, both early m/c. 11/04 -ve
So much in life to be grateful for.
-
Mandy Miller
- Member
- Posts: 44
- Joined: Thu Aug 12, 2004 2:20 pm
- Location: Work, London, SE1, England & Home, Harlow, Essex, England
Reply to Jaye.
Hi Jaye & all the others.
Thanks for your message. Although we perhaps all have different circumstances slightly, we really are all the in same boat aren't we. I do really feel for you though. It must be harder for you having been there & felt that excitement twice now, only to have that elation snatched away again. There is always someone worse off than ourselves isn't there somewhere. It makes you humble. What a lesson! You have my deepest sympathy, as do any others of you who have been through this extra ordeal. Its amazing really how we do all go through more or less the same emotions. Isn't it good to share how we feel & get some support & a listening ear, even if its only to vent our feelings, we are all here for eachother & lets hope we continue to be. I know I will try & keep in touch with you all & follow everyones' progress.
Chubbs -
How are you doing. Are you still around? I feel especially close to you, as we tested the same day didn't we & if I remember correctly, you also only had one embryo put back, like me. How are you feeling now? It takes a while to get over the shock doesn't it.
Finally my passport arrived yesterday!!!! (Time to party!!!) so now we can hopefully book our long awaited holiday in Turkey & are aiming to go now on Monday 4th October for 1 week. I think that will really help. As I think it was Jaye who said (but I'm not sure), the week away will help us. We will have time to talk about how we feel etc & spend some quality time together with time for romance for a change. That is unless AF is evil & visits that week, which knowing my luck will happen!
Hope everyone is reasonably OK!
Take care.
Catch up soon.
Love & best wishes, Mandy (Miller) xxxxx
Thanks for your message. Although we perhaps all have different circumstances slightly, we really are all the in same boat aren't we. I do really feel for you though. It must be harder for you having been there & felt that excitement twice now, only to have that elation snatched away again. There is always someone worse off than ourselves isn't there somewhere. It makes you humble. What a lesson! You have my deepest sympathy, as do any others of you who have been through this extra ordeal. Its amazing really how we do all go through more or less the same emotions. Isn't it good to share how we feel & get some support & a listening ear, even if its only to vent our feelings, we are all here for eachother & lets hope we continue to be. I know I will try & keep in touch with you all & follow everyones' progress.
Chubbs -
How are you doing. Are you still around? I feel especially close to you, as we tested the same day didn't we & if I remember correctly, you also only had one embryo put back, like me. How are you feeling now? It takes a while to get over the shock doesn't it.
Finally my passport arrived yesterday!!!! (Time to party!!!) so now we can hopefully book our long awaited holiday in Turkey & are aiming to go now on Monday 4th October for 1 week. I think that will really help. As I think it was Jaye who said (but I'm not sure), the week away will help us. We will have time to talk about how we feel etc & spend some quality time together with time for romance for a change. That is unless AF is evil & visits that week, which knowing my luck will happen!
Hope everyone is reasonably OK!
Take care.
Catch up soon.
Love & best wishes, Mandy (Miller) xxxxx
Mandy
Hello all!
Some one asked...days ago what my plans were for January. I will be doing frozen. It that does not work we will be waiting a whole year before we do another natural cycle (my husband's idea), however, if something goes wrong before egg transfer we will go right into a full cycle.
We are 100% self-funding and my husband is VERY financially conservative.
Anyway, it was so helpful to here about past regrets. I feel like I am being punished for my past.
When I was 15-years-old I gave birth to a wonder baby girl. My mother decided that the best thing for the child and to save my family the embarrassment of a teenage pregnancy was to place the baby for adoption.
Eighteen years later I realize my mother's decision was for the best even if it was a bit misguided at a time. After the birth and placement of Abigail my mother and I never did reconcile. I met my first husband at 17. The man was much older and was very abusive. He introduced me to a world of partying and drugs, but he controled everything. I had a beautiful son from the realtionship, so before the age of twenty I had already had given birth to two children. After the birth of Jeremy my then husband encouraged me to have a tubal ligation as he already had three other children and did not want to have anymore. I complied. Honestly, I was so young that I could not imagine that I would ever have a life apart from this abusive man.
Luckily, I was able to escape the realtionship with Jeremy and it was only my son and I for many years. During most of that time I battled with bulimia. I lacked so much control in my previous relationship that I had developed the disorder in attempt to gain control over my life.
In reality my infertility is my fault. It is the result of ignorance and passivity. I do not suffer from endo, or PCOS and my husband's sperm is a-okay. I ASKED to have this done to me. I can feel myself ovalate every month. I just can not do anything about it.
I have been with my current husband for three years. He is seven years younger than I, and has never had any children. I no longer suffer from bulimia, but I do not eat as healthy as I should and I am slightly overwieght. Other than that I really have my life on track.
My husband knew that I could not concieve naturally when we become married, but I do not realized how difficult and expensive trying to have a child would be. Most of the time he is extremly supportive, but there are times when he lets me know that our current problems are due to my stupid action in the past.
I have been very scared to let anyone know on here that I had had a tubal ligation. I am afraid that people will see my plight as low priority compared to those of you who have been TTC for years with no success. Maybe it is, I don't know. I still cry when AF comes. I still feel the emptiness, but I do still have hope.
Mia
Some one asked...days ago what my plans were for January. I will be doing frozen. It that does not work we will be waiting a whole year before we do another natural cycle (my husband's idea), however, if something goes wrong before egg transfer we will go right into a full cycle.
We are 100% self-funding and my husband is VERY financially conservative.
Anyway, it was so helpful to here about past regrets. I feel like I am being punished for my past.
When I was 15-years-old I gave birth to a wonder baby girl. My mother decided that the best thing for the child and to save my family the embarrassment of a teenage pregnancy was to place the baby for adoption.
Eighteen years later I realize my mother's decision was for the best even if it was a bit misguided at a time. After the birth and placement of Abigail my mother and I never did reconcile. I met my first husband at 17. The man was much older and was very abusive. He introduced me to a world of partying and drugs, but he controled everything. I had a beautiful son from the realtionship, so before the age of twenty I had already had given birth to two children. After the birth of Jeremy my then husband encouraged me to have a tubal ligation as he already had three other children and did not want to have anymore. I complied. Honestly, I was so young that I could not imagine that I would ever have a life apart from this abusive man.
Luckily, I was able to escape the realtionship with Jeremy and it was only my son and I for many years. During most of that time I battled with bulimia. I lacked so much control in my previous relationship that I had developed the disorder in attempt to gain control over my life.
In reality my infertility is my fault. It is the result of ignorance and passivity. I do not suffer from endo, or PCOS and my husband's sperm is a-okay. I ASKED to have this done to me. I can feel myself ovalate every month. I just can not do anything about it.
I have been with my current husband for three years. He is seven years younger than I, and has never had any children. I no longer suffer from bulimia, but I do not eat as healthy as I should and I am slightly overwieght. Other than that I really have my life on track.
My husband knew that I could not concieve naturally when we become married, but I do not realized how difficult and expensive trying to have a child would be. Most of the time he is extremly supportive, but there are times when he lets me know that our current problems are due to my stupid action in the past.
I have been very scared to let anyone know on here that I had had a tubal ligation. I am afraid that people will see my plight as low priority compared to those of you who have been TTC for years with no success. Maybe it is, I don't know. I still cry when AF comes. I still feel the emptiness, but I do still have hope.
Mia
OH Mia:
Thanks for sharing your story. What I am amazed at....is that Dr.'s would actually consent to doing a tubal ligation on someone who is barely 20 yrs old.
Don't feel like you brought all of this on yourself and don't deserve to have success, we were all different people in our very early 20s and I'm sure everyone on this board has a story about something we did in this time frame that we absolutely shouldn't have!
The good news is, you know that you are capable of carrying a pregnancy to fruition and that once you get pg, you won't have any issues there. Also, that you were able to recognize and get out of a relationship that wasn't healthy for you or your son. It must have taken a lot at that young age to realize all of these things.
Paige
Thanks for sharing your story. What I am amazed at....is that Dr.'s would actually consent to doing a tubal ligation on someone who is barely 20 yrs old.
Don't feel like you brought all of this on yourself and don't deserve to have success, we were all different people in our very early 20s and I'm sure everyone on this board has a story about something we did in this time frame that we absolutely shouldn't have!
The good news is, you know that you are capable of carrying a pregnancy to fruition and that once you get pg, you won't have any issues there. Also, that you were able to recognize and get out of a relationship that wasn't healthy for you or your son. It must have taken a lot at that young age to realize all of these things.
Paige
Hi everyone
I have been really moved by some of the stories on here, I don't think it matters what we all did when we were younger its who and what we are now that matters, I think I am still to meet anyone who hasn't done things they have later regreted, I know I have.
Its not like any of us are sitting here asking for something completely unrealistic, like winning the lottery or waking up as a size ten. We all deserve our simple dreams to come true!
Mia, I don't think any less of you from reading your story nor do I think that you are any less deserving of a successful pregnancy than any one of the rest of us, I know how easy it is to be influenced by a controlling man especially when you are really young.
Alicia & Jaye, I'm sure most of us have abused our bodies over the years again it doesn't mean you don't deserve this.
Speak to you all soon
I have been really moved by some of the stories on here, I don't think it matters what we all did when we were younger its who and what we are now that matters, I think I am still to meet anyone who hasn't done things they have later regreted, I know I have.
Its not like any of us are sitting here asking for something completely unrealistic, like winning the lottery or waking up as a size ten. We all deserve our simple dreams to come true!
Mia, I don't think any less of you from reading your story nor do I think that you are any less deserving of a successful pregnancy than any one of the rest of us, I know how easy it is to be influenced by a controlling man especially when you are really young.
Alicia & Jaye, I'm sure most of us have abused our bodies over the years again it doesn't mean you don't deserve this.
Speak to you all soon
TTC 7yrs, Me 35 (severe endo) DH 36
IVF nov06 8th time lucky BFP! - 1 baby boy
FET Aug o8 - BFN
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/2;51;28/st/20070804/n/Joe/dt/6/k/5ec9/age.png[/img]
IVF nov06 8th time lucky BFP! - 1 baby boy
FET Aug o8 - BFN
[img]http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/2;51;28/st/20070804/n/Joe/dt/6/k/5ec9/age.png[/img]
Mia,
Thank you for sharing your story. It is so moving to see how far you've come in your life. So many women never escape from situations like that. All the more reason you do deserve to have a baby with the man you love.
I also agree with Paige that it is bizarre that a doctor would do a tubal ligation on someone so young. Shame on your ex for not having a vasectomy if he did not want any more children.
Anyway, it sounds like your prospects for success are very good. It has been so amazing reading this thread - it's my favorite one now! So it looks like IVF is not the first difficult thing most of us have gone through. That must be why we're strong enough to choose it instead of just accepting a life without a baby of our own.
Alicia
Thank you for sharing your story. It is so moving to see how far you've come in your life. So many women never escape from situations like that. All the more reason you do deserve to have a baby with the man you love.
I also agree with Paige that it is bizarre that a doctor would do a tubal ligation on someone so young. Shame on your ex for not having a vasectomy if he did not want any more children.
Anyway, it sounds like your prospects for success are very good. It has been so amazing reading this thread - it's my favorite one now! So it looks like IVF is not the first difficult thing most of us have gone through. That must be why we're strong enough to choose it instead of just accepting a life without a baby of our own.
Alicia
I agree 100% about this thread being so interesting. I actual feel I am begining to understand some of you as a whole person instead of just a person that shares my problem of infertility.
It is nice to tell people about yourself and still feel accepted. Some of the things about my past very little people know, and I have come a long way.
I suppose when we know more about each over we are more able to judge where that person is coming from, and we will be less likely to take things the wrong way. It really bothered me that Paige and Mandy took my comments the way they did. The last thing I want to do is diminish the someone else's feeling.
Thank you for all being so kind!
Come on January!!!!!!!!!!
Mia
It is nice to tell people about yourself and still feel accepted. Some of the things about my past very little people know, and I have come a long way.
I suppose when we know more about each over we are more able to judge where that person is coming from, and we will be less likely to take things the wrong way. It really bothered me that Paige and Mandy took my comments the way they did. The last thing I want to do is diminish the someone else's feeling.
Thank you for all being so kind!
Come on January!!!!!!!!!!
Mia
-
jill dickens
- Regular
- Posts: 237
- Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2004 9:33 pm
- Location: UK
Hi everyone,
Thanks so much for sharing your stories. Like Mia said, we spend so much time communicating with one another it's nice to be able to feel like we know and understand each other better ... outside of our shared problem of infertility.
I can certainly identify with sometimes feeling like I'm being punished for things I did in the past. I had anorexia from age 15 to around 21 then developed bulimia then, just when I was starting to get my life back together, got involved with an alcoholic (10 years older than me) who I ended up financially supporting for 7 years. His thanks to me was a daily dose of verbal abuse and an introduction to relying on alcohol to numb my unhappiness. Thankfully, with the help of my father and a good friend, I was finally able to get him out of my apartment and was very fortunate to meet my now husband several months later. For the first time, I actually felt like I was living a real life and that's when it really hit me that I had wasted 7 precious years in the dysfunctional relationship and at least 7 on eating disorders. I guess time also flys when one isn't having fun.
Even though my clinic hasn't found anything physically wrong with me, I have always suspected that the way I abused my body in the past might have something to do with our problem. I eat very healthy foods now and generally try to follow the "everything in moderation" principle but I stay a little underweight for my height and am very dependent on exercise to the point where I really get irritable and can't function when I am unable to workout for some reason.
Jaye, I think you and I "talked" about the anorexia issue a bit at one point in the past. Do you find that you are more weight conscious than most people even now? I seem to be and I sometimes wonder if all the extra exercise and discipline to remain at my present weight are even now working against me. I read somewhere that someone who has had an eating disorder is never "cured". Maybe it's kind of like being an alcoholic who has stopped drinking. I don't think I'll ever be able to relate to food in a completely normal way. I could never sit down and eat a hot fudge sundae for example without thinking about all the calories and having extreme guilt.
Mia,
Please don't blame yourself. It looks like a lot of us have done things in the past that we're not proud of but all that matters is where you are now in your life. I was also in the sort of relationship where I followed what I was told to do. Looking back, I just don't understand how I let myself be so easily led and why it took me so many years to wake up. At the time, I honestly didn't feel like I had any other options. I'm sure that is how you felt then as well. You were obviously misguided and taken advantage of by your husband at the time and your Dr. certainly did you a miservice by not requiring extensive counseling before letting you go through with that at such a young age. At any rate, this is not your fault by any means and your struggles are certainly no less significant.
Paige,
I think I read a post you wrote somewhere on here about your having been adopted and I meant to write back at the time but got interupted and now I can't find the post. At any rate, please forgive me if I am mistaken and someone else wrote it. I just wanted to thank you for sharing that. I found it encouraging since my DH and I may look to adoption if we don't have success with the FET. Of course, one of our big worries is that the child would eventually seek out their biological parents or end up resenting us somehow. I may have more questions for you at some point if you don't mind!
Alicia,
I had no idea of the struggles you had gone through in your past as well. Good for you for overcoming it and I'm so happy that you met with success this time!
Anyway, I guess I'd better end this here as I've rambled on long enough!
We have another hurricane on the way (what a surprise)
so I'd better get moving and go shopping before the lines become terrible.
Staci
Thanks so much for sharing your stories. Like Mia said, we spend so much time communicating with one another it's nice to be able to feel like we know and understand each other better ... outside of our shared problem of infertility.
I can certainly identify with sometimes feeling like I'm being punished for things I did in the past. I had anorexia from age 15 to around 21 then developed bulimia then, just when I was starting to get my life back together, got involved with an alcoholic (10 years older than me) who I ended up financially supporting for 7 years. His thanks to me was a daily dose of verbal abuse and an introduction to relying on alcohol to numb my unhappiness. Thankfully, with the help of my father and a good friend, I was finally able to get him out of my apartment and was very fortunate to meet my now husband several months later. For the first time, I actually felt like I was living a real life and that's when it really hit me that I had wasted 7 precious years in the dysfunctional relationship and at least 7 on eating disorders. I guess time also flys when one isn't having fun.
Even though my clinic hasn't found anything physically wrong with me, I have always suspected that the way I abused my body in the past might have something to do with our problem. I eat very healthy foods now and generally try to follow the "everything in moderation" principle but I stay a little underweight for my height and am very dependent on exercise to the point where I really get irritable and can't function when I am unable to workout for some reason.
Jaye, I think you and I "talked" about the anorexia issue a bit at one point in the past. Do you find that you are more weight conscious than most people even now? I seem to be and I sometimes wonder if all the extra exercise and discipline to remain at my present weight are even now working against me. I read somewhere that someone who has had an eating disorder is never "cured". Maybe it's kind of like being an alcoholic who has stopped drinking. I don't think I'll ever be able to relate to food in a completely normal way. I could never sit down and eat a hot fudge sundae for example without thinking about all the calories and having extreme guilt.
Mia,
Please don't blame yourself. It looks like a lot of us have done things in the past that we're not proud of but all that matters is where you are now in your life. I was also in the sort of relationship where I followed what I was told to do. Looking back, I just don't understand how I let myself be so easily led and why it took me so many years to wake up. At the time, I honestly didn't feel like I had any other options. I'm sure that is how you felt then as well. You were obviously misguided and taken advantage of by your husband at the time and your Dr. certainly did you a miservice by not requiring extensive counseling before letting you go through with that at such a young age. At any rate, this is not your fault by any means and your struggles are certainly no less significant.
Paige,
I think I read a post you wrote somewhere on here about your having been adopted and I meant to write back at the time but got interupted and now I can't find the post. At any rate, please forgive me if I am mistaken and someone else wrote it. I just wanted to thank you for sharing that. I found it encouraging since my DH and I may look to adoption if we don't have success with the FET. Of course, one of our big worries is that the child would eventually seek out their biological parents or end up resenting us somehow. I may have more questions for you at some point if you don't mind!
Alicia,
I had no idea of the struggles you had gone through in your past as well. Good for you for overcoming it and I'm so happy that you met with success this time!
Anyway, I guess I'd better end this here as I've rambled on long enough!
We have another hurricane on the way (what a surprise)
so I'd better get moving and go shopping before the lines become terrible. Staci
Me 35/DH 41
TTC 4 years
Diagnosis: MF infertility
IVF/ICSI April 2004: -tive
FET Aug. 2004 (canceled due to cysts)
FET Jan 2005: -tive
FET Aug. 2005
TTC 4 years
Diagnosis: MF infertility
IVF/ICSI April 2004: -tive
FET Aug. 2004 (canceled due to cysts)
FET Jan 2005: -tive
FET Aug. 2005