Hi Mia
I have just read your post and wanted to say I am thinking of you going through this hard time. I dont have anything to add that the others havent said only that at least there is some hope if DH has agreed to see a Dr.
Really hoping things get better for you.
**WARNING** Husband Mentioned
Mia,
Like you, I haven't been on the boards for a long time either and, like you, I have found that it seems to help me more to be on them than not. I'm dealing with a really tough issue today so here I am. I was glad to see a post from you but I wish it wasn't such a sad one.
Anyway, I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. This whole process is difficult enough as it is and it really helps when a couple is on the same page while going through it. I mean, the way I see it, women already have to suffer the brunt of this whole thing because they are the ones subjected to the medications, exams, etc. etc. It seems like the very least we can ask for is for our husbands to give us lots of attention, understanding and support while we are going through hell.
I don't want to get you all worked up again if you're feeling any better about things so I'll say goodbye for the moment. I am thinking of you!!
Hugs,
Staci
Like you, I haven't been on the boards for a long time either and, like you, I have found that it seems to help me more to be on them than not. I'm dealing with a really tough issue today so here I am. I was glad to see a post from you but I wish it wasn't such a sad one.
Anyway, I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. This whole process is difficult enough as it is and it really helps when a couple is on the same page while going through it. I mean, the way I see it, women already have to suffer the brunt of this whole thing because they are the ones subjected to the medications, exams, etc. etc. It seems like the very least we can ask for is for our husbands to give us lots of attention, understanding and support while we are going through hell.
I don't want to get you all worked up again if you're feeling any better about things so I'll say goodbye for the moment. I am thinking of you!!
Hugs,
Staci
Me 35/DH 41
TTC 4 years
Diagnosis: MF infertility
IVF/ICSI April 2004: -tive
FET Aug. 2004 (canceled due to cysts)
FET Jan 2005: -tive
FET Aug. 2005
TTC 4 years
Diagnosis: MF infertility
IVF/ICSI April 2004: -tive
FET Aug. 2004 (canceled due to cysts)
FET Jan 2005: -tive
FET Aug. 2005
Mia,
My heart sank when I read your message. I've been there. I have 2 thick journals filled with 9 years of the despair you describe.
I lived in a marriage exactly like yours (days on end of no speaking, no sex for months, fighting over everything - bitterness consuming us) and we had two children. Things never got better. He was emotionally unavailable and I was too young to know how to overcome it or get us the help we needed.
Many years, counseling sessions and self-help books later... I know things I didn't know then.
1) Stop assuming you know his mind. Stop overthinking. And start taking what he says for face value. You have no choice. Men do NOT think like women do and therefore, it is dangerous for us to second-guess what they say. He is NOT one of your girlfriends. Stop expecting him to respond like they do and things will get less complicated - quickly. He may still be a shmuck, but at least you'll be dealing with the real man and not some concoction.
2) Get yourself, if not both of you, into couples counseling, asap! You'll learn tools that will AMAZE you!!! Example: We have learned that when you are expressing your feelings and you say "I feel like..." that is NOT a feeling at all, but a THOUGHT. This has been phenominal for us! You have to stop and take out the word "like" and just say one word of how you feel. It changes things 180degrees!!! "I feel abandoned when you ...." Our counselor says that many times couples are not dealing with the core issue and that's why they keep fighting the same fights over and over. When you BOTH speak about your FEELINGS and NOT your thoughts, you get to the heart of the real matter and closer to resolution.
Another great tool is the Timeout Tool. If either of you feel the conversation is getting emotional/uncomfortable.... you can ask for a time out and the other person has to allow it with no anger. We learned that when your heart rate gets to a certain point, you are no longer thinking in the logical part of your brain, but in the reptilian part (fight or flight) and that's why things spiral out of control or you lock down and can't find a solution to the problem. It takes a minimum of 20 minutes to get the heart rate back to normal so you can think clearly again. (wow!) Our time outs are a real life saver. You can call one if you feel you are the one getting too emotional or if you feel your partner is the one getting too emotional. A dead giveaway for us is when someone says a curse word or raises his voice level.
3) Get yourself, if not both of you, into some kind of positive spiritual study and worship program. I have found that I exude a humility that brings out good in others when I am trying to follow my God's teachings. LIKEWISE, I exude the opposite when I am not. My own pride and ego get in the way and make a HUGE mess of even good things... and when life's troubles come along - it's hell on earth.
It is no small thing for a couple to have spiritual rituals they do together. Even if it's just once a week, spending an hour in church - the point is it humbles you and makes you easier to live with. We are all too full of ourselves if we don't have some humble pie to eat regularly. I know I get too big for my britches real quick!
Anyway, I'll stop there. I hope you two don't have to wait until you are remarried to other people to learn the secrets to a happy partnership. The help is out there, but it won't come to you.
Best Wishes.
My heart sank when I read your message. I've been there. I have 2 thick journals filled with 9 years of the despair you describe.
I lived in a marriage exactly like yours (days on end of no speaking, no sex for months, fighting over everything - bitterness consuming us) and we had two children. Things never got better. He was emotionally unavailable and I was too young to know how to overcome it or get us the help we needed.
Many years, counseling sessions and self-help books later... I know things I didn't know then.
1) Stop assuming you know his mind. Stop overthinking. And start taking what he says for face value. You have no choice. Men do NOT think like women do and therefore, it is dangerous for us to second-guess what they say. He is NOT one of your girlfriends. Stop expecting him to respond like they do and things will get less complicated - quickly. He may still be a shmuck, but at least you'll be dealing with the real man and not some concoction.
2) Get yourself, if not both of you, into couples counseling, asap! You'll learn tools that will AMAZE you!!! Example: We have learned that when you are expressing your feelings and you say "I feel like..." that is NOT a feeling at all, but a THOUGHT. This has been phenominal for us! You have to stop and take out the word "like" and just say one word of how you feel. It changes things 180degrees!!! "I feel abandoned when you ...." Our counselor says that many times couples are not dealing with the core issue and that's why they keep fighting the same fights over and over. When you BOTH speak about your FEELINGS and NOT your thoughts, you get to the heart of the real matter and closer to resolution.
Another great tool is the Timeout Tool. If either of you feel the conversation is getting emotional/uncomfortable.... you can ask for a time out and the other person has to allow it with no anger. We learned that when your heart rate gets to a certain point, you are no longer thinking in the logical part of your brain, but in the reptilian part (fight or flight) and that's why things spiral out of control or you lock down and can't find a solution to the problem. It takes a minimum of 20 minutes to get the heart rate back to normal so you can think clearly again. (wow!) Our time outs are a real life saver. You can call one if you feel you are the one getting too emotional or if you feel your partner is the one getting too emotional. A dead giveaway for us is when someone says a curse word or raises his voice level.
3) Get yourself, if not both of you, into some kind of positive spiritual study and worship program. I have found that I exude a humility that brings out good in others when I am trying to follow my God's teachings. LIKEWISE, I exude the opposite when I am not. My own pride and ego get in the way and make a HUGE mess of even good things... and when life's troubles come along - it's hell on earth.
It is no small thing for a couple to have spiritual rituals they do together. Even if it's just once a week, spending an hour in church - the point is it humbles you and makes you easier to live with. We are all too full of ourselves if we don't have some humble pie to eat regularly. I know I get too big for my britches real quick!
Anyway, I'll stop there. I hope you two don't have to wait until you are remarried to other people to learn the secrets to a happy partnership. The help is out there, but it won't come to you.
Best Wishes.
Randa
Me 44, DH 40
ttc 0, went straight to IVF
1st EC = Feb 05, 5 frosties, no transfer attempt
2nd EC = June 05, cancelled
3rd EC = Sept 05, 4 frosties, no transfer attempt
4th EC/ET = Feb 06, 3 transf., BFN
5th EC/ET = May 06
Me 44, DH 40
ttc 0, went straight to IVF
1st EC = Feb 05, 5 frosties, no transfer attempt
2nd EC = June 05, cancelled
3rd EC = Sept 05, 4 frosties, no transfer attempt
4th EC/ET = Feb 06, 3 transf., BFN
5th EC/ET = May 06