Where to next ?

fiona_lk · Post by **fiona_lk** » Thu Nov 28, 2002 2:47 pm

Oh Nicola, Having been someone who has been in exactly the same situation, I can guarantee that there is a way back to reality - but it will take some time, which I know is not what you really want to hear. I'm certainly not shocked by what you are saying. When we'd desparately tried donor IUI for a whole year, 7 failures, my dh did in fact walk out and went 'missing' for a whole 3 days. I don't remember stopping crying but it made us both realise that apart we are incredibly weak but together we can be strong. Is there anyway that you can get some councelling to see you through this difficult period? Its not for everyone, so I'd understand if you don't fancy it. You have to believe that it will happen to you - look at all the +ves on here as a sign that everyone else has been through the same difficulties and they've suceeded - so why not you next time or the time after? You've got some hope with the egg sharing research you've been doing. Claiming you life back is difficult, but it can be done - in between treatments I try and carry on as normal - joining TaeKwon Do has been helpful in getting rid of stress. Perhaps you may fancy joining something like a local Tai Chi (sorry, not sure of spelling) group. And the best advise I've had on this site to face children is to remember that what you want is your own and your dh's child - no one elses. I truely hope that you will soon be calmer so you can go forward with a more positive feeling. Take Care of yourself and your dh Love and hugs Fiona xxxx

Wicked Lady · Post by **Wicked Lady** » Thu Nov 28, 2002 5:23 pm

Dear Fiona Thank you so much for replying so soon you are an absolute darling. I do agree with councelling but it is not available over here for infertility and any other councelling is not funded. But talking on this website helps. Thankyou for being so frank and honest about your own problems and how you have both coped with it all. I am going to take your advice and make some 'me' and 'us' time with my dh who has been wonderful today tackling the hospital bigwigs. Isn't it amazing, we wait six months everytime to see the consultant but now we have complained he wants to meet us on monday. My dh has refused this offer and has said that all we want is the truth about my op results and my notes corrected to reflect this. Fingers crossed eh. Thanks again mate I really will sleep easier tonight and it helps knowing your keeping an eye on me. Lots of Love Nicola xxx

fiona_lk · Post by **fiona_lk** » Thu Nov 28, 2002 7:09 pm

Hi Nicola, I am so pleased you're sounding much better already - let us know what pampering works for you as it might give others inspiration. And I for one will wait eagerly to hear how you go on with the hospital. Good on your dh for standing his ground - he deserves an extra special treat for that one (I'll leave it to you to decide what hee hee). Sleep tight Love Fiona xxxx

Savannah · Post by **Savannah** » Thu Nov 28, 2002 10:06 pm

Hello Nicola, I'm sorry to butt into your conversation, but it is nice to see some people can understand. I have also had the same problem as you with friends and family! People tell me that if I get too upset and cry, my dh will leave me! My sister is going through a divorce and feels I should be thankful I have a husband! She has 2 kids, but says a husband is more important! God, that infuriated me! No understanding, you can't compare! My friends who have kids tell me I must be thankful I don't have any, they are too much of a handfull and you can never get any sleep! If you are feeling this down, why not look for anti depressants if you feel you need them, although you need to come off them if you do conceive! I am on medication for the same reason and I found it made such a difference, I can get on with my life a little easier! I was also hoping it would relax me, if that was the reason I wasn't falling pregnant, no such luck! You won't be turned down for adoption, I asked the same question to the adoption agency and they said no. At least you are sounding better, I am going to let my dh read what your dh did, so he can do the same when I have no luck with my consultants! Good luck Nicola. Savannah

suzannemorris · Post by **suzannemorris** » Thu Nov 28, 2002 10:48 pm

God this is just so s#$t! I know all this is supposed to be character building....will strengthen your relationship....you will appreciate your kids more once you have them.....but f#$k me, what a hard slog to get there. The one thing that I really take comfort from in all of this is that I'm absolutely not alone in feeling as I do. I was quite badly depressed last year, and was prescribed anti depressants, they're still sitting in a drawer as the dreamer in me still wasn't prepared to take them because what if that was the month that I was going to finally catch!! Yeah right! 18 months later I'm over the depression (thank god), but I don't think I'll ever be the person I was before, as I feel as if my coping skills have taken a severe battering. Nicola, it sounds as though you've really been through it lately and I really hope that you start to feel better soon. Try not to lose hope, I know it's easier said than done. And take heart from all the support that is offered via this site, everyone is so rooting for each other. Best wishes, Suzanne.x Savannah, I so know what you mean, if one more parent says to me that I'm lucky to not have kids or that they can't understand why I would want kids, oh and let's not forget "you can have mine, ha ha"! Talk about insensitive!

Wicked Lady · Post by **Wicked Lady** » Fri Nov 29, 2002 9:56 am

Dear Fiona, Savannah and Suzanne. Thanks for all your replies. I am so glad that I was honest about how I was feeling and what we have both been going through as it is such a help to read your own replies. I do feel better about things today. Like you say Fiona it does and will take time.And I suppose I had better treat my partner. I looked at him like a new man after wathcing him pace up and down and run rings around the hospital on his mobile yesterday. The poor lamb was shaking but you would never have know it if you had been on the receiving end. As for the friends who tell you how lucky you are not to have children, couldn't you just kill them. I have also been told Savannah that it is better to have a man than children as he will always be there whereas your children can break your heart and leave home. But your man will be there until old age. This didn't help when it was said to me by two couples who were in their fifties as they then went on to produce photos of their grandchildren and talked that being grandparents was 100% love, making me feel even more guilty about my parents who by the way haven't put any pressure on us unlike in laws. Suzanne I worked at a tourist attraction last year where on a daily basis I was asked by parents 'Kids ehh Who'd have them?' my response was 'People like me and my partner who can't' expecting them to feel guilty, but oh no I also got the reply 'Your welcome to mine. Lets see if you feel the same way at 3am when they've wet the bed again! Hang in their ladies. We are all here for each other and you have really helped me get through the last week. Take care maybe we can have a goss in the chatroom one night? Thanks again. Lots of Love Nicola xxx

alison p · Post by **alison p** » Fri Nov 29, 2002 11:04 am

Dear Wickedlady, What a week for you!! I hope you get somewhere with the hospital - they really shouldn't be able to get away with treating patients badly (which is what I said in my last mail I think). Maybe you should go back to see the consultant and see what he has to say. Sorry you have such a crap GP. It really is unfair that where we live should have such an influence on the treatment we get. I did read an article in Woman's Own yesterday (I don't normally read it but I needed something I could flick through for half and hour, honest) about 'cut-price' IVF. It listed all the units in the UK that offer egg donation and listed their prices. I think it was this week's mag, so it should still be available. it may be worth looking at. Anyway, keep your spirits up, which I know only too well is difficult at the moment. Don't feel too bad about taking anti-depressants. I know that there seems to be a stigma about taking them, but they really do help and it's better (I think) than hitting the bottle. You don't need to be on them for long, but it may just help at the moment. Have a nice weekend, Alison

Wicked Lady · Post by **Wicked Lady** » Sat Nov 30, 2002 4:31 pm

Dear Alison Thank you so much for your lovely reply. Hey man, don't be ashamed to admit it , Womans Own has improved over the years. I'll definelty be out looking for that issue. I'll see how things go and if they get worse I will ask for anti depressants there is no shame in taking them and as you say it is better that hitting the bottle. Me thinks you may have a hangover! Hope you have a good weekend. Lots of Love Nicola xxx

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